Celia's Fun Thread!!!!

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Celia's Fun Thread!!!!

Post  Celia Eriksson on Sun May 20, 2018 3:09 pm

From my TGBoards collection:

I saw a deaded Rabbit in the road on the way home from work tonight. It always breaks my heart a little to see such a beautiful creature die so. I like to think that nobody would create such a beautiful creature and let it exist no more. There must be a Bunnyland in the sky, where Rabbits go when they die, where there is Giant Carrots, Long Lush Grasses to nibble and no Fox, Wolf, Stoat or Weasel. So tonight readers, I give you not one, but TWO actually really honestly true stories concerning Rabbits. What a treat! I hear you say. Well, that's quite alright, it's my pleasure.

Oddvar IV, a Cousin, was driving along the windy roads of Ireland in 1953, on business. He was on his way to Wicklow in the south when in his headlights, he spied a Rabbit.

Oddvar jinked left.
The Rabbit scuttled right.
Oddvar put the Cobra straight.
The Rabbit shimmied left.
Oddvar slipped right.
Too late! Kerpsplush! He hit the unfortunate Leporine.

Now Oddvar was an Eriksson. Soppy, daft as a brush and very humane. He got out of the little AC Cobra and went to inspect his unintended victim. He was saying a little prayer for the Rabbit when another car pulled up behind. A man alighted the car, plopped on a Trilby and sided up to Oddvar. Oddvar turned to the man and explained that it was an accident. He noticed that the man was a man of the cloth.

"Well, that is so sad." The Father began. "My name is Father Keeley, by the way."
"Oddvar Eriksson, pleased to meet you Father. I do hate it when such beautiful animals suffer."
"Oh bless you my child. Now you stay right there young man, I have something that might help."

Father Keeley went back to his car and opened the boot. He retrieved a little black case and carried it over to the Rabbit and knelt before the Rabbit in front of Oddvar. He opened the case and pulled out a small bottle and sprinkled the contents over the Rabbit.

The Rabbit's eyes opened! The Rabbit sprang to life and ran through a hedgerow and made for a hill. The Rabbit turned and looked at the men.... and waved! The Rabbit started up the hill and every few yards turned back towards the men.... and waved! He reached the top of the hill and waved and waved at the men. Then the Rabbit was out of sight.

Father! That was amazing! I have never ever seen anything like that, what on earth is in that bottle, holy water?

"No, my child." Father Keeley replied. "It is Hare restorer with permanent wave."

............. ........................  

So it was on the invention of Sandwiches in England by the Great John Montagu, 4th Earl of Sandwich in 1782 that Embla and Walentyna added Sandwiches upon their Horse and Cart for their business travels around Storslatt in Norway.

They did a huge variety of sandwich, from tasty Turnip to delicious Seagull ones. One day they were on their way to Berglund when they happened upon a Rabbit on the road, in their way. They stopped Tamir, their trusty steed and politely asked the Rabbit to move.

"Please move!" Embla called.
The Rabbit did not stir and munched grass.
"Hey! You! Rabbit! Get off the road!" Walentyna screamed and whistled loudly. This upset the Rabbit.
"Can't a Rabbit wait for some tasty sandwiches?" The Rabbit said.
"You can talk?" Embla asked.
"Yes, I can, it's honestly true. Now I will have a Turnip sandwich, a Swede sandwich, a Turtle egg sandwich.... and one of your new Seagull sandwiches, I hear they are good. Oh, and I want them toasted please!"
"You don't have any money!" Walentyna said. "Rabbits never have any money."
"I most certainly do!" The Rabbit produced 45 Ore, the asking price for the sandwiches.
"Well, we can't toast them for you!" Embla said.
"That's ok, my wife will toast them for me."

So the Rabbit hopped off and Embla, Walentyna and Tamir plodded on their way.

Now, later in the day, the threesome were returning along the road to Storslatt, when they spied a female Rabbit, dressed in black on the road. Soon it was clear there were lots of tiny baby Rabbits also dressed in black.

Embla pulled Tamir up beside the woeful bunch, crying their little brown eyes out.

"What is wrong?" Embla asked. "Why are you all so upset?"
"It is my Reidar, he died earlier today. He has left me a Widow and my seventy eight children fatherless!"
"Oh, we are so sorry!" Walentyna said. "Did he wear a red waistcoat?"
"Yes, that's right. Everyone knew him, even you!"
"What happened?" Embla asked. "How did he die."
"Oh." The sad Bunnywidow replied. "He died of Mixingmytoasties."
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Re: Celia's Fun Thread!!!!

Post  Celia Eriksson on Sun May 20, 2018 3:14 pm

More from the defunct tg boards! I wrote this last September....

In Sørbotn, in 1908, Wenche Eriksson, a distant Cousin, dined at the Ramfjorden Café i Sør. She was a Widow of 72 and often dined alone. She was quite the eccentric and enjoyed being very silly, quite unlike my good self who is very sensible.

Well, it is told that she ordered the three course meal that was staple upon the menu. First came the purresuppe, a delicious leek and potato soup. As the waiter placed the soup upon the table, Wenche noticed the waiter had placed his thumb within the soup as he had carried it. He deftly wrapped it in his white serving towel.

This is not good! Wenche told herself. That is terrible, but I am hungry, I shall sup my soup!

The main course soon came, Brennsnut, a lamb stew. As the waiter placed the gastronomic feast upon the table, Wenche noticed that once again, the waiter had placed his thumb in her food. It was swimming in the gravy!

I shall not be tipping this waiter! She thought. Such sloppiness. But I am still starved, I shall eat it all!

Pudding was served. A solskinnskringle, (vanilla and cinnamon cake and custard). As the waiter neared, Wenche held her breath. But sure enough she spotted from afar, the offending thumb, firmly plumped into her tasty sweet dessert!

"Waiter, what on earth do you think you are doing?" Wenche finally said. "You bring me my soup and your thumb is in my soup. You bring me my stew and your thumb is in my stew. Now you bring my cake and custard and your hand is in the custard, look it is still there!"

"I am so sorry Madam!" The waiter replied. "But yesterday, my Wife asked me to fix a door and I hit my thumb with a hammer."

"What has that to do with it?" Wenche asked.

"Well, you see I have the black pinch on my thumbnail!"

"You are trying my patience waiter!"

"So, the doctor says I have to keep it warm." Explained the waiter, "So I stick it anywhere warm, like in the warm food."

"Keep it warm, stick it in my food?" Wenche said angrily. "You know where you can stick your thumb don't you! Stick it right up your arse!"

"Oh Madam, I do that when I'm waiting in the kitchen."

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Re: Celia's Fun Thread!!!!

Post  Celia Eriksson on Sun May 20, 2018 3:15 pm

From October 9th, which was on the old tgboards.....

Well it's a lovely morning here in England, though they say it's going to cloud bubbly up later. So I am going to have a round of golf on my own as everyone else is working! I have delved into my remembery bits of my mind and have a story to relate of Cousin Ole, the Narvik railwayman and his fraught career upon the Norwegian/Swedish rail route.

So he had a bad accident. He worked the caboose on goods trains and broke too late reaching Narvik station and eeeeek! fhsushhhh! criiinklekerbang! The train smashed into the buffers. An enquiry in Stockholm, Sweden found that the brakes were only 79% effective, so Ole was allowed to carry on.

Two weeks later they were approaching Narvik and Ole was studying a pretty purply Beetle, too late he saw Narvik come into view. He applied the brakes woefully late. Eeeeeek....screeeeeeech.....shidder-shudder...crack!.....ping.....kerucnch! The wagons were derailed again! A second enquiry was held and as the brakes were found to be only 91% effective, Ole was allowed to carry on.

Well, the following day Ole was having lunch with the Engineer, Jorgen. Ole spied another friendly purply Beetle scuttle up the electricfysiying pole thing. So he wanted a closer look. The Beetle led Ole to the top of the pole and parried along the wire. Ole leant out and deftly grabbed the Beetle from the wire. He studied the purply Beetle and let him go, being an Eriksson he had a kind heart.

"You should be careful!" Jorgen said. "You could of got electrocuted!"
"Oh no, that would never happen to me!" Ole replied. "I'm a bad Conductor!"
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Re: Celia's Fun Thread!!!!

Post  Celia Eriksson on Sun May 20, 2018 3:17 pm

More to come....

So, back to the fun!

A man came into our ward that had unfortunately had quite an accident upon a ladder. He was not critical, but was put under for a compound and other injuries. He also had a cat to see if he was ok. His name was Bert and when he had awoke and gained coherence I informed the Doctor as the Surgeon had left. He soon came to see Bert.

"How are you feeling Burt?"
"Terrible Doctor!"
"Well, that's not surprising." The Doctor read the diagnosis. "So, I guess I have some good news and some bad news. Which would you like first?"
"I suppose I best have the bad news!"
"You have bimalleolar fracture of your right leg and a compound fracture of your left tibia, your right wrist is broken too. Oh, by the way, the ladder fell back and wrecked your Porsche."
"Oh my God!" Burt gasped. "Oh Doctor! What is the good news?"
"Well you see that little nurse over there, the strawberry blonde?"
"Oh, yes!?"
"The one with the nice legs?" The Doctor continued.
"Why yes, I do!" Bert replied excitedly.
"Well, I'm going out with her tonight!"
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Re: Celia's Fun Thread!!!!

Post  Celia Eriksson on Sun May 20, 2018 3:18 pm

by CeliaEriksson » Thu Oct 12, 2017 1:57 pm
Well, I have spring cleaned and having a cup of mint tea before I hit the driving range and then back to get ready for my night shift. So I thought I'd relate an actually honestly true story, that Miki enjoys so much! It occurred in Sørbotn in 1982 but I have changed (*) it a little so most can understand.

The story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in Celia' honest actually true stories are true. All identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, and products is intended and should be inferred.

My Auntie Artemisia was a bit of a fashionista, she loved trying out the latest fashion lines and that. Locally she was known as Artie and much liked and respected. But hard times befell her and soon she had little money for clothes and had to shop at her local Walmart* for stuff. She would telephone their head office in Oslo for any new line. They got a bit fed up with it but one day they told her they had put some new stuff in the Sørbotn branch, but not much yet. If Artie went there straight away she could try some on.

So she drove to the store and ran to the clothing department. It was teeming with other women and she spied a beautiful blue sparkly cocktail dress. Artie was about to grab the only size eight when a hand stretched out and grabbed it before her. Well she was outraged, she tugged the dress off the woman and the woman tugged it back! Artie jumped on the woman and gave her a quick throttle leaving her rival handless and she deftly grabbed the dress. She made for check-out when she saw a lovely cardigan in cream and green. Oh, she wanted it, there was just one left, size 8! So she went to grab it, but another woman cut her off in the pass and swooped up the woollen treat! Artie grabbed the woman from behind around the throat, snatched her prize and ran to checkout with the cardy!

As she left the store a detective stopped her. "Com with us!" They said. So Artie was taken to a little back room, the manager was there with the other ladies that had fought the two battles.

"I have reviewed the situation and the women are unhurt." He began. "But what you did was wrong, you shall pay these women 50 pence compensation each. That will cost you one pound! Don't do that again ladies, you need to behave. We can always order these items, if we don't have enough! Now Miss Eriksson, apologise to these ladies and give me the pound to divide up."

"I'm sorry." Artie said. "I got carried away."
"So did we. Sorry." The ladies replied.

Which would have been the end of the story. But somehow a newshound got hold of the story and next morning in the Sørbotn Daily Blurb the headline read: 'Artie chokes two for a pound at Walmart!'
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Re: Celia's Fun Thread!!!!

Post  Celia Eriksson on Sun May 20, 2018 3:19 pm

by MikiSJ » Thu Oct 12, 2017 6:15 pm
CeliaEriksson wrote:
Which would have been the end of the story. But somehow a newshound got hold of the story and next morning in the Sørbotn Daily Blurb the headline read: 'Artie chokes two for a pound at Walmart!'

If you don't stop posting this silliness I am going to have to post an image of the bruises you are causing me on my forehead. STOP IT!!
When writing the next chapter in your life, start with a pencil and eraser - my first page as Miki is full of eraser marks. Doodling is allowed. I have started a new chapter but will still use a pencil.

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Re: Fun thread
by CeliaEriksson » Fri Oct 13, 2017 1:56 pm
Oh Micki! Well before I begin this factual feast, please place a nice soft feathery cushion upon your desk. Found one? Good girl, then I shall relate the true tale of the 1852 Fagernes raffle. I'm lucky, I have not had any bruisey type accidents recently, though I visited Nelson's flagship HMS Victory at Portsmouth the other day. I was on a tour of the ship when I tripped over a metal thingy on the deck. I looked down and saw it was a plaque. It read 'Nelson fell here'.
"I'm not surprised!" I later told the guide. "I nearly tripped over it myself!"

Oddvar II looked forward to the yearly raffle at Fagernes. He always bought a ticket as the prizes were very good for those days. It was held at the beginning of advent, beginning as a small church raffle, but had grown so large that it was held in the town hall and the Mayor drew the tickets. Being wintertime, Oddvar never had won and could not always attend the draw, the journey being quite difficult. But this year 1852, was quite mild so he went.

"I shall draw the prizes in reverse!" The Mayor, Mr. Sorensson, said in the full hall, packed to the gunwales of folk from miles around. He shuffled his big hairy hands around the ticket barrel and drew one out. "And 3rd prize goes to Mrs. Sorensson!"

Well, Mrs. Sorensson looked quite shocked and stepped up to the podium to claim her prize, the hall erupted. "Fix!", "Fiddle!" the crowd roared. "Booooooooo!"

But Mr. Sorensson calmed them down and began to read out the prize.
"Hilda, you have won a horse, three hundred crowns to spend in the cake shop, a nice tiara and a years subscription to the Sørbotn Daily Blurb!"
"Hooray!" The forgiving crowd cheered. Oddvar joined in. "Hooray!" he cheered.

"And now 2nd. prize!" Mr. Sorensson continued. "and, the winners is..... Mr. Oddvar Eriksson!"

Oddvar was beside himself he clapped above his head as the crowd erupted! They shouted hoorays and well dones as Oddvar made his way up to the podium.

"Mr. Eriksson, you have won a Cherry Cake!"
"Yes lovely, yes and....?" Oddvar asked in anticipation.
"That's it. A Cherry Cake!" Mr. Sorensson seemed surprised.
"So 3rd. prize gets a horse, three hundred crowns for the cake shop, a tiara and the paper subscription and I get a sodding Cherry Cake?" Oddvar asked.
"Yes. It's a very nice Cherry Cake. It was baked by Mrs. Sorensson."
"Well FUCK Mrs. Sorrenson!" Oddvare swore.
"Oh, you greedy boy. You want the 1st. prize too!"
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Re: Celia's Fun Thread!!!!

Post  Celia Eriksson on Sun May 20, 2018 3:20 pm

by CeliaEriksson » Mon Oct 16, 2017 4:55 pm
Hi Everyone!!!

So I will continue with the adventures of my Great Aunt Celia, also known as Celia of Arabia. She was also an intrepid explorer and my next totally true, factual and actually honest story regards the good old USA, where most of you all are from.

Great Aunt Celia was travelling through America when in a town called Charity she ran into it's Sheriff English Bob. Now, Great Aunt Celia, being Norwegian chatted to Bob at length about his adventures as the Duck of Death. But some nasty men ran Bob out of town the following morning and the town was without a Sheriff. Because Great Aunt Celia was a good shooter with her trusty pink pearl handled smith and thingy guns, they asked her to fill in until another one was sent to Charity.

Well, it was not long before trouble brewed, a poker game in the bar. So Celia of Arabia ran the five men, the McNasty brothers, out of town and she followed them across the Great Thingy Desert, with her trusty steed Thora, to make sure they did not come back. But a little sandstorm started and the McNastys doubled back on her.

A gunfight ensued and Great Aunt Celia felled two McNastys with her pink pistols. But Bruce McNasty fired and got our heroine in the shoulder. Celia of Arabia fell, but lifted her pistols and despatched Bruce McNasty in the heart. There was a stand off between a sand dune and Celia kept her pink pistols firmly trained upon the two remaining McNastys as she lay, badly wounded on the ground.

Great Aunt Celia whistled to Thora and the trusty nag came over to her, she whispered in her ears and the equine ran off at full gallop on her own.

So the stand off lasted four hours, the McNastys shouting horrid profanities at poor Great Aunt Celia. Thank God Thora is not listening to this! She told herself. She is only seven!

Soon, Thora returned. Celia of Arabia raised her head and could see a figure upon the horse. As Thora approached though, it was clear the figure was a woman! A scantily dressed girl of disrepute from Charity town's brothel alighted off of Thora and began to undress! Great Aunt Celia's heart sank. She whistled to Thora and the trusty nag lowered her head to Great Aunt Celia.

"Thora, you cloth-eared nag!" Great Aunt Celia croaked to Thora. "I said go fetch a 'Posse!"
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Re: Celia's Fun Thread!!!!

Post  Celia Eriksson on Sun May 20, 2018 3:21 pm

Hi Everyone!!!!!!

Well, the day soon came when the British army decided to march upon the Whirling Dervish on a Tuesday. For if you recall, Great Aunt Celia otherwise renowned in the Great Halls of Fame as Celia of Arabia, had discovered that was the day when the Whirling Dervish type women washed their men's solitary pair of underpants. She'd discovered this with her fiendish surreptitious stupendous spying.

There was, as always with the British lots of pomp and ceremony as the army left Fort Kangaroo. Pipers and drummers playing, the men in their redcoats like chocolate soldiers afore the cavalries in many colours, with Great Aunt Celia at the fore, next to Colonel Poppleheimer, dressed in her Whirling Dervisher lady spying type outfit. She sat aside her trusty camel, the only humpless camel in Arabia, Humphrey.



So to cut a long story short, they marched for five days across the desolate deserts of Arabia and surprised the Dervish who were busy Whirling naked and got caught with their pants off. A glorious victory was had and the Colonel and Great Aunt Celia inspected the battle torn Whirly camp. When they went round the back of a strange red painted hut, they heard some strange noises at the back. Their were three doors along the rear wall and Poppleheimer drew his pistol as Great Aunt Celia forced the first door open with her ebony walking cane.

Behind the door a Whirling Dervish was caught naked with a Goat in a most uncompromising and rude position.
"What on earth are you doing man?" Colonel Poppleheimer asked.
"Oh no, you have caught me out!" The Dervish replied in perfect English. "Um, oh, I am so ashamed!"
"To the stockade with you. Corporal! Take this man away!" Poppleheimer ordered. "Sorry Miss Eriksson, that you should witness such. I am fucking disgusted"
"I have seen too many things to be flinched by that Colonel." Our intrepid heroine replied. "Let's carry on. Even so, I also, am fucking disgusted!"

As they approached the second door, strange clucking noises came from within. Celia of Arabia forced the door. Behind, a man had a Chicken upon his manhood and was pushing the Chicken along it!
"Dear God man! What the hell are you doing!"
"Oh, I am undone, you have discovered my terrible foible!"
"Take this man to the stockade too!" Poppleheiomer shouted. "I am so fucking disgusted!"
"Absolutely!" Celia of Arabia agreed. "I am very fucking disgusted!"

Great Aunt Celia prised open the third door. A large Dervish stood their with his manhood flopped into a bowl of yellow liquid.
"Oh my Lord!" Colonel Poppleheimer said. "What the hell are you doing?"
"Oh." The Whirling Dervisher replied. "I am fucking this custard!"

Smile
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Re: Celia's Fun Thread!!!!

Post  Celia Eriksson on Sun May 20, 2018 3:24 pm

Thank you Kaye! Keep the place happy with lots of fun!

MikiSJ wrote:The only thing, I say, the only thing of value that you have brought to the forum this glorious Saturday morning is that wonderful portrait of your Great Aunt Celia.

I am guessing it is one of the few photographs that survived the custard.

Oh no no no no no no no no no. I have a veritable case full of photographs of my famous Great Aunt. Almost an inexhaustible supply you could say Smile . It is said only one photograph got destroyed in the Great Custard Disaster of '83.

Great Aunt Celia doing a Whirling Dervish type dance in 1882 for the Purple Whirling Prince in his tent:


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Re: Celia's Fun Thread!!!!

Post  Celia Eriksson on Sun May 20, 2018 3:25 pm

by CeliaEriksson » Mon Oct 23, 2017 9:02 pm
And so it was that the Whirling Dervish were down.... but not out! As you will see in later accounts of my illustrious ancestor. So there was a lull in the Arabian Campaign and Great Aunt Celia resumed her duties as Schoolmistress at Fort Kangaroo for the Officers' Children.

Celia of Arabia was well travelled and knew many people, one day there was a knock on her door, where she resided aside the school building. It was a very old friend, Abdul Popplezaar.

"Hi Abdul!" Great Aunt Celia said. "It must be many years!"
"Greetings and salutations my little friend!" Abdul said. "It is indeed a long time, was it not at the Great Cairo Tea Trolley Disaster that we last met?"
"Yes!"
"Well, I will have to make it brief, for I have to go North and buy a used Camel from Mohammed Macaroon, at his famous Camel dealership."
"Oh, what a pity. I was going to put the kettle on."
"I say it would not suit you little one. Stick to dresses, you look much better in dresses."
"Ok, I will."
"I have a parting gift. I will pass through Kangaroo in three weeks. We can have tea and cakey then!"
"Ooh, I love gifts!" Great Aunt Celia screamed, jumping up and down all excitedly. "Gimme, gimme gimme!"
"Oh, my little one, how exciteable you are!" Abdul smiled. "Here, it is Hamster Jam. It is made from the finest Siberian Hamsters and is the very, very best!"
"What!?"
"Listen to your Abdul little one, I promise Miss Celia will likey!"
"Get lost! Stuff you Hamster Jam! I thought you were going to give me something nice!" Great Aunt Celia took the jar of Hamster Jam and smashed it against the Schoolhouse wall. "Go away. Waaaaah!"
"So sorry Miss Celia! I will come back with something nicer. Adios little one!"

And Abdul was gone. Celia of Arabia took tea and soon forgot about her friend. The weeks passed and Great Aunt Celia opened her door one morning to a most peculiar site. There was the most beautiful array of flowers outside her door! Everyone that was passing complimented her on being able to produce such a galactic feast of colour in the middle of the desolate desert at Fort Kangaroo.

A few days after there was a knock on the door. It was Abdul Popplezaar again.
"Oh.... hi Abdul. Come in." Great Aunt Celia said sheepishly. "Sorry that I went off on one like a mad catwoman."
"That's ok. I guess you did not understand. About the jam. I see it worked beautifully though. Haha! I just realised, you thought people actually eat Hamster Jam!"
"I did."
"No little one. Nobody eats the jam!" Abdul rolled his eyes and rolled his head at his silly friend. "Who would eat that foul smelling stuff when it produces such a visual splenditidy as you now have!"
"Then the flowers are from the jam? But how is that?"
"Oh silly." Abdul tittered over his hand. "Everyone knows about Tulips From Hamster Jam!"
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Re: Celia's Fun Thread!!!!

Post  Celia Eriksson on Sun May 20, 2018 3:26 pm

In her diaries of 1883, Great Aunt Celia writes of the time she was wooed on the dance floor by Popplezaar the Great Purple Whirling Dervish type Prince. I also sifted through the many thousands of photos, almost an infinite supply, and found one. I shall relate a very true, actual, honestly real event that occurred at that time, when Prince Popplezaar fell in love with Celia of Arabia and frankly who on earth could blame him?



So the Prince was besotted and even though he did not trust my illustrious spy ancestor, a Norwegian working for the British in old '83. He gave her a very prominent job, keeper of the Great Bells of Popplezaar. The Dervish had stolen the bells long ago and though they held no religious function, they served as a call to arms under attack. A practise drill was held every week and Great Aunt Celia's first job was to employ a new bell-ringer to ring the bells, held high above Popplezaar Palace in the Great Desolate Desert. So, she put up posters advertising the job and held an interview session.

Well, only one man applied. A man with sensitive fingers.
"But how will you pull the ropes with your very extra sensitive digits?" Celia of Arabia enquired. "You cannot do the job! Go away!"
"Please!" The man pleaded. "I can do it. I can use my face to ding the bell!"
"Now you are being very silly!"
"No. I can actually do that. Please, I must have the job, I have 97 hungry kids!"
"Liar, liar, pants afire!" Great Aunt Celia retorted in a most serious tone, the very first to ever use the phrase in actual true fact. "Nobody has 97 kids!"
"I do, I'm a Goat herder."
"Oh, ok."
"I must do this, please, please, please. You are so very wise."
"No!"
"I must do it!, you are so well spoken!"
"No! Go away!"
"You are so refined!"
"No!
"You are incredibly cute!"
"OK, you have the job."

It was on his very first Tuesday morning, whilst the Dervish women washed the underpants of the men that the man went to his duty. He slapped his face upon the first bell. DONG! The man knocked himself out, slipped off the wooden thingy holding the bell and fell.... SPLAT! on the ground and was deaded.

The pantless men ran to the splatted man and Great Aunt Celia appeared.
"What happened!" They asked her. "Who is this man? What is his name?"
"I don't know what happened and I don't know his name!" Great Aunt Celia replied. "But his face rings a bell."

The following Sunday there was a knock on Celia of Arabia's tent post thingy. A man was outside and Great Aunt Celia engaged him in conversation.
"Clear off! I'm painting my toenails!"
"Oh, lovely Miss Celia. I must talk with you."
"Well stay out there, you are not looking at my ankles!"
"I am the Brother of Jamil!"
"Who the hell is Jamil?"
"Your deaded bell-ringer. I want to do the honour of ringing the bells in honour of my late Brother."
"Well, I've decided to do it myself." Great Aunt Celia declared. "I could do with some pin money for my humble life! Do you know how much Champers and Caviar costs out here! Not to mention silk dresses!"
"What is this Champers?"
"Err, um, it's cheese from Norway. It's definitely not alcohol."
"I will do the job for nothing!" The man said. "Just for honour!"
"Ok, you got the job."

So the man pulled the rope that next Tuesday morning. But KERLANG! The bell fell down as he pulled too hard and spludged him. It was a very squidgy occurrence.

The men ran into the courtyard. Great Aunt Celia arrived too.
"What happened? Who is this man? What is his name?" They asked Great Aunt Celia.
"I don't know what happened and I don't know his name." Celia of Arabia replied. "But he is a dead ringer for his Brother."
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Re: Celia's Fun Thread!!!!

Post  Celia Eriksson on Sun May 20, 2018 3:27 pm

To my illustrious ancestors, Embla and Wallentyna. Their life was largely devoid of romance except for Wallentyna's brief fling with Wenceslaus Werlin, a renowned famous painter of the Werly School of Art. I have photographed portraits he painted of Embla and Wallentyna in 1787 below. Alas, the romance ended one foggy morning when he grabbed Embla's bum by mistake and I have two true occurences to relate of just them days, you'll be pleased to know and thank me for documenting it here, of course.



Well, when the Great Sandwich Bunny disaster occurred, the twins gave up selling sandwiches and soon they had not much money. They would traipse around markets in many villages looking for cheap food as they had not enough to buy seeds to farm and spent most on hay for Tamir, their horsey. One day they went to the market in a village they had never been before, hoping to buy a bundle of hay for Tamir and a Parsnip for tea.

They went up to the first stall. "We want a Parsnip!" Wallentyna demanded. "We already got the hay!"
"What hay?" The man on the stall replied.
"On Embla's back! Can't you see?"
"Oh yeh."
"Well, have you got my Parsnip?"
"No, I only sell jelly. Look, can't you see? Just jelly, custard, cream and hundreds and thousands."
"Oh ok. But watch it!"" Wallentyna screamed.

They moved on to the next stall.
"I'll handle this." Embla said. "You are too rude to them."
"Good morning Ladies!" The stallholder said. "It's very nice to meet you, what would you like?"
"Think you can soft soap me?" Embla sniffed. "Using sexual suggestive language!"
"Sex pest! Hey everyone over here! He's trying to chat us up!" Wallentyna whistled, very loudly. "This one here!"
"I...I... I ca assure you Ladies..."
"Never mind. We want a big fat juicy Parsnip at a reduced sex pest price." Embla said. "Or we split to the newssheet printer!"
"But, I only sell jelly. Look, jellies with custard and cream and a big cherry atop."

So the twins went to all the stalls and it happened that every stall was selling jelly, custard cream, hundreds and thousands and cherries atop. So Embla and Wallentyna made their way home and luckily found a sack of Parsnips on the road someone had dropped.
"What a strange market that was!" Embla said.
"Yes." Wallentyna replied. "It was a trifle bazaar."
Smile

So they made a lovely Parsnip soup as the rains started and pounded upon their little farmhouse. Soon though the roof began to leak.
"Oh no!" Embla said. "The bloody roof is leaking!"
"Yes, but not on my bed. Look at yours!"

Well, next day they were up on the roof in glorious sunshine and began fixing the tiles atop their roof. Embla was making good progress fetching and placing the tiles, but was the weaker of the two, so she stopped for a little break and watched Wallentyna with the hammer and bag of nails. Every other nail that Wallentyna took from the nail bag, she tutted and threw the nail away.
"What are you doing?!!!!" Embla cried. "That's our last bag of nails! Don't throw them away!"
"I'm only throwing away the useless ones!" Wallentyna screamed. "Why 'aint you working!"
"They looked alright to me!" Embla sniffed. "What was wrong with them?"
"As I take them out the bag," Wallentyna began, " I find some point towards the roof, so I use them, but others are pointing away from the roof, so I throw them away! Of course, Miss Silly Billy Bossy Boots!"
"You are Miss Silly!" Embla screamed back. "Any fool knows that those are for the other side of the roof!"
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Re: Celia's Fun Thread!!!!

Post  Celia Eriksson on Sun May 20, 2018 3:28 pm

by CeliaEriksson » Thu Nov 02, 2017 5:22 pm
So after The Purple Prince, Popplezaar made it obvious that he knew Great Aunt Celia was a spy, she had to lay low. She had nowhere to go for it had got to the British that she and Popplezaar were in love and they listed the amazing adventurer as a wanted woman. So she joined an order called St. Helga on the edge of the desolate desert run by Abbess Brunhilda with frequent outside help from Father Godfrey Pugh.

The Abbess Brunhilda and Father Godfrey were very strict and the Convent's silent order was difficult for young Great Aunt Celia. She had lots of hail Mary's and difficult tasks given because she kept breaking it. The order was allowed to speak just once every year, at Candlemas.

The first Candlemas came and all the nuns assembled in the hall for chat time.
"Does anyone wish to say anything?" Abbess Brunhild asked.
The hall was silent for a minute or so. Then Great Aunt Celia put up her hand.
"Sister Celia? Speak your mind child."
"The porridge is awful lumpy Mother Superior, can it be mixed better?"
"Yes, I will talk with Sister Nordberg. Anyone else?"
The nuns stayed silent.

One day Great Aunt Celia was with another young nun, Gunnhilda, they were trying to swipe some of the Gooseberry wine stored in the pantry. When they rounded the corner of the ample pantry they discovered Father Godfrey Pugh with his pants down a-wanking! They ran to get the Abbess who arrived in the pantry as Father Godfrey was buttoning his fly.
"Stop that, you'll go blind, Pugh!"
"Ouch!" The Father replied, catching his thingy in his fly. "Ouch, ouch, ouch!"
"Oh, what now!"
"Never mind, what about your silence vow!" The red-faced Father Godfrey said, walking away in agony.
"It is lifted temporarily in such a case of disgrace!" Abbess Brunhilda said. "In front of such young, innocent eyes!"
"Why is he walking funnily?" Gunnhilda innocently asked.
"Oh, don't worry about that child. God moves in mysterious ways!"

Well Father Godfrey was banished. The next week a meeting was called, all 127 nuns assembled in the hall of the convent.
"I have to break my vow of silence for the second time in a week!" Abbess Brunhilda Announced.
"Ooh!" The nuns oohed.
"Silence! This is a grave matter." The Abbess continued. "Yesterday Sister Edmundsen found this in the orchard, a used condom!"
"Ooh!" 126 nuns oohed.
"Hehehe!" Chuckled Great Aunt Celia."
"And there is something much worse!" The Abbess announced. "I am a woman of the world, it is clear that this condom split during sexual intercourse!"
"Hehehe!" 126 nuns chuckled.
"Ooh!" Great Aunt Celia oohed.

Six months later, the annual chat at Candlemas was called in the hall.
"Any nun wishing to speak may do so. Does anyone have anything to say?" Abbess Brunhilda asked.
The room fell silent. Then the luckily unpregnant Great Aunt Celia put her hand in the air.
"Yes, Sister Celia. What is it?"
"It's the porridge Mother Superior, it's too salty."
"I will talk with Sister Nordberg about that child. Anyone else have anything to say?"
The hall remained silent.

Two nuns were allowed to go out to the local market every fortnight to buy the very few things the Convent needed that they could not make themselves. Those going, were of course allowed to speak outside the Convent. Great Aunt Celia and Gunnhilda had never been given the detail being so young, but this particular day the Abbess had nobody spare, they were all to useful, so the hapless youngsters were told to go by written message and a shopping list.

Great Aunt Celia was brilliant at bartering and bought everything very cheaply, leaving the nuns with 7 yaks, the Desolate Desert currency.
"Let's buy ourselves a big glass of raspberry juice each!" Great Aunt Celia suggested.
"Oh yes, yes, yes!" Gunnhilda replied.
So they went into a bar and had two delicious glasses of raspberry juice. Soon they wanted a wee-wee.
"Barman!" Great Aunt Celia called. "Where is your latrine?"
"Oh, you don't want to go in there!" The barman said.
"Don't be such a silly-billy, we need wee-wees." Gunnhilda chuckled.
"It's not good for such devout ladies!"
"Oh, come on, we are both 22, we're not little girls!"
"But the statue. There is a statue of a nearly naked man!"
"Then we shall look away!" Gunnhilda declared.
"Ok, it's through the green door."
When the nuns came back the barman was smiling from ear to ear.
"You are the naughty, naughty girls!" The barman rocked his head. "Naughty!"
"What?" Great Aunt Celia said. "What are you talking about!"
"We all know!" He said. "When someone lifts the fig leaf, the lights go off!"

Another year passed and it was Candlemas again.
"Does any nun wish to speak!" The Abbess asked.
The hall was silent for a while then Great Aunt Celia put up her hand.
"Sister Celia?"
"It's the porridge Mother Superior, it's too milky!"
"Right! That's it, you are defrocked and out of the convent!" The Abbess declared.
"Why?"
"All this arguing about the porridge is giving me a headache!"

So Great Aunt Celia left and her adventures continued, which I know you will be pleased to hear!
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Re: Celia's Fun Thread!!!!

Post  Celia Eriksson on Sun May 20, 2018 3:29 pm

by CeliaEriksson » Sun Nov 26, 2017 4:13 pm
I was astonished reading my Great Aunt's memoirs of 1894 written in 1956 aged 97. It told of her escape from Arabia. Celia of Arabia went to Montevideo upon a Camel Barque bound for there. She then decided to explore the country and bought a Canoe from an American club owner at the Uruguayan port, called Rick who liked the piano and had a pianist called Sam.

I glossed over the reams about the love tale between the two but basically it appears to include Sam, his piano, a German naval Captain, Rick, the British Navy, a special song, a news reporter, a ship scuttling, lots of cigarettes, sundry German, Moroccan, Uruguayan, French and British people and lamentations about time going by or something.

So I decided to write the details here to cheer up Miki who has been through the mill lately and I hope she is feeling well and feeling good soon.

Well, she drove the Canoe up the river and paddling was hard it was against the flow of the mighty River Plate. She had lots of supplies and a friendly pet Rooster called Bert, she'd met in Montevideo. It was quite hot work and soon she was away from civilisation. It cold very cold that night, but understandably Great Aunt Celia did not want to go ashore in the jungle, so she decided to light a fire upon her canoe. Unfortunately it burnt a hole in the bottom and it sank. So she swam ashore with Bert the Rooster on her back. She was met by a naked man with a gun.

"I am Mr. Jinx!" The man said. "Why you come to our land?"
"I am Celia Eriksson, the great Norwegian explorer and spy!" Great Aunt Celia replied. "I was a bit silly, I started a fire to keep warm upon my canoe."
"Ooh. That was silly!" Mr Jinx said, he spoke perfect English you see. "I guess you can't have your Kayak and heat it."
"How true."
"Come we will look after you!"

So Celia of Arabia was a guest of the Pokeepaul tribe. The Chief, Mr. Toms said she could stay but she must work for her keep. Once she had proven herself she could continue her exploring, they would build her a solid wood boat, but it would take some time, for their boat builder Mr. Pirogue was on vacation in Louisiana. So, as Great Aunt Celia liked animals she elected to look after the chickens, she could introduce Bert to them.

"We will build you a house overnight Miss Celia." Chief Toms declared. But tonight you have to sleep with two of my 127 sons. The two that have taken the vow of celibacy. So fear not. I would put you with women, but they are all entertaining me tonight."
"Oh ok."

It was quite a large bed in the Celibate Sons house. Bill and Bob Toms were very nice and told Great Aunt Ceiia that she could sleep in the middle, as it got quite cold that time of year.
In the middle of the night Bob woke up all a sticky and that.
"Oh!" Bob shouted. "I had a dream that I was masturbating and I've come all over my Celibate Cowl!"
"Yikes!" Bill screamed. "Me too. I've come over all unnecessary upon my Celibate Cowl too! I was dreaming that I was a-wanking too!"
"Oh my!" Great Aunt Celia declared. "I'm Norwegian and I was dreaming that I was skiing!"

Next morning, she was shown her new house, a nice little two up and two down, built magnificently and shown the Chicken compound where she would work. There was lots of Chicken, about 300 hens and two Roosters. She introduced Bert to them and Bert quickly dispatched the other Roosters and began to fuck the hens with a passion. Great Aunt Celia chased after him but could not catch him. He did the circuit three times and all the hens eyes were quite crossed as they clucked happily around, queueing up to be fucked.

So Celia of Arabia built a fence around the hens, but Bert's passion was not satisfied, he fucked all the Geese and Duck at the tribe's little town with Great Aunt Celia chasing after him. Finally she gave up and tended the 300 Chicken who slept blissfully that night.

Next morning after collecting eggs she went to look for Bert. She finally found him in a glade, laying on his side not moving, a score of Vulture circling above.
"Oh my Bert!" She exclaimed, seating herself beside the bird. "You silly Rooster! All that fucking and running around, you have died of exhaustion."
"Shhhhh!" Bert shushed, opening an eye. "They will be down in a minute and I can shag 'em all!"

Well Bert was ordered to be caged by Chief Toms and Great Aunt Celia told she must work in the Great Kitchens of the Pokeepaul as the Chicken thing did not work out.

So she was delegated with making pastries in the pastry department of the Great Kitchens. A huge wooden building layered on the sides with dried grass with a grass roof. As she had once worked in Denmark as a young girl making pastries there, she thought she should be head pastry maker. But she was told to sieve the flour and keep an eye on the pastries in the oven, that they do not burn and call the pastry man, Mr. Tibbs when they were golden brown. So she sieved and sieved for hours and checked the pastries. But late in the afternoon a friendly purply Beetle passed her sieving thingy and Great Aunt Celia started to converse with the purply Beetle.

But she forgot about the pastries! Soon flames were licking from the oven! Great Aunt Celia grabbed the pastries and tried to throw them out the door but missed and the building caught fire and burnt down to the ground! She did save the purply Beetle from the flames.

Chief Toms was not happy!
"Every one knows!" He declared. "Pokeepaul that sieve in grass houses should not throw scones!"

Well, he said he'd give Great Aunt Celia one last chance, she could be an observer upon the Great Hunts of Chief Toms. She was to look for animals and report to the royal hunting party the whereabouts of suitable creatures. "Get that bloody boat built!" He told the newly returned Mr. Pirogue from his trip to Louisiana.

Great Aunt Celia was an Eriksson. She hated hunting and secretly misdirected many hunts. It was one Thursday morning she encountered a bear.
"Mr.Bear, the Chief is coming this way. I'll tell them you went that way!"
"I'll face them!" The amazing talking in English Mr. Bear said. "I am a proud Uruguayan Bear!"
"Oh no!" She replied. "Don't do it!"

She ran to the hunting party that was chasing down a Deer type animal. The Chief said the Bear was no match for him, the others should carry on and he would face the Bear with his trusty Winchester type gun thingy. Celia of Arabia was to watch.

He soon found the Bear and fired and missed with all seven shots and the Bear beared down upon him, placed his thingy in front of Chief Toms face and came all over it. "That'll teach you!" said Mr. Bear.

Well, Chief Toms was a proud man. "I'll get that Bear back for that!" he announced the following day. "I'll take my trusty bow and arrow!"

So the following day Chief Toms and Great Aunt Celia looked for and found Mr. Bear. She hid as the battle commenced. Chief Toms fired 17 arrows but they all missed by quite some way and the Bear bore down upon Chief Toms. He stuck his thingy in Chief Toms mouth and came inside his mouth! "I hope you have learnt your lesson!" Mr. Bear said. "Stay away from Mr. Bear!"

"I'll get that pesky Bear tomorrow!" Chief Toms declared through bruised lips. "I'll use my amazing pea-shooter and get him between the eyes!"

So off they went again and soon they found Mr. Bear. Chief Toms blew 47 hard boiled peas at the bear and hit many times but they just pinged off the great beast! Mr. Bear beared down and lifted the Chief's skirt. "This is not about the hunting, is it?" Mr. Bear said.

Mr. Pirogue had finished the boat and all the ladies of the tribe gave Great Aunt Celia a hula farewell as the men cheered. The cross-eyed Chief Toms and his new partner, Mr. Bear, waved from there new house upon the hill as she drove away with her newly finished boat and her adventures continued.
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Re: Celia's Fun Thread!!!!

Post  Celia Eriksson on Sun May 20, 2018 3:29 pm

by CeliaEriksson » Sat Dec 09, 2017 6:44 pm
So it was, I was reading my Great Aunt Celia Eriksson's journals this afternoon as her Great Exploring Adventures continued up the River Plate, [Br.], (La Plata River/Plata River [USA] ).

Well, she was driving her Canoe thing round a corner when it hit a rock! She paddled with all her might and just reached the shore. She unloaded everything and started sending Norse Code messages of Mayday, but as the radio had not been invented in 1894 nobody heard her taps on the side of the tree, except a little band of friendly Skunks.

The skunks felt very sorry for poor Celia of Arabia, so the Head Skunk called all the Skunks and solemnly said "Let us spray for Celia of Arabia!"
"No!" shouted Great Aunt Celia. But it was too late. "I'd have just wanted directions to a friendly village."
"Oops, sorry!" said the Head Skunk and he gave her directions.

So my ancestor, the intrepid spy and explorer, followed the directions and found herself at last in an open glade on the edge of the village where she beheld a very peculilalar sight. Three naked villagers were laying in a row with their thingies erect and upward, pointing to the sky. She watched closely for a while, 'for scientific reasons', she wrote in her massive, almost infinite journal, and approached them.

"What on earth are you doing?" She asked. "Just a-laying there, all oiled up with your thingies pointing heavenwards?"
"Oh!" The first Uruguayan Native said as he spoke perfect English. "We are the village clocks. The Chief, Mr. Brown, he likes to keep good time and to be sure, he has us three dickdial cockclocks. It's our job!"
"What time is it then?"
"It's 3.33 p.m. Standard Llama time." The first Native replied. "And 49 seconds."
"Wow!" Great Aunt Celia wooed. She walked up to the second native. "What time do you have?"
"It's 3.34 p.m. and 10 seconds!" The second native replied.
"Incredible!" She exclaimed. She walked towards the thirdy swarthy native, who suddenly began furiously a-wanking. "My word! What are you doing?"
"I'm winding up the clock!" The third native replied. "At the seventh stroke it will be......"
"Ok, ok!" She said and after eight hours tinkering with and lubricating the village clocks she entered the village.

She was, of course taken to Chief Brown. She told him about having seen the clocks and agreed it was a wonderfully brilliant and invigorating invention.
"We are the Cochsmyff tribe." Chief Brown's Chancellor Mr. Green said. "We take great pride in our self control. Behold, I will ask our General, Mr. Pink to demonstrate!"

The General marched to the middle of the hut and dropped his grass skirt.
"Att..... wait for it, wait for it..... A..a..aten...shun!!!" He bawled and his thingy stood to attention, upright and perfectly still! "Steeeeand....wait for it, wait for it......stand at ease!"
"Oh my!" Great Aunt Celia whispered. The General's thingy sat at perfect right angle to his body.
"On my command!" The General bawled. "Fire!"
But nothing happened.
"Open Fire!" He bawled, his eyes becoming angry. "Fire!!!!!"
But nothing happened. The General then started a-wanking furiously.
"General stop that now!" Chief Mr. Brown said. "Not in front of our guest!"
"Sorry sir, I was just giving it a dishonourable discharge."
Well, the General was sacked on the spot!

Now the Chief decided that this Norwegian maiden was inspiring too much of this naughtiness. He called every man in the tribe into his great hall. Great Aunt Celia, using her spying wiles listened to the goings on.
"Right everyone, wank now!" Chief Mr. Brown ordered.
Much rustling occured. Finally it stopped with a whimper.
"Do it again!"
The rustling began again..... and calm.
"Again!"
Well of course the rustling started again and this continued for several hours, then he banged the floor to stop them.
"Who feels like continuing?" The Chief asked.
"We will do it for you boss!" They all chanted and then the rustling was furious. Suddenly, one held dissent. "I can't Chief, I just can't! I'm all spent, I'm a failure!"
"Thank God. Then it will be you will take Celia of Arabia to the river with my best pirogue!" He announced.

And so her adventures could continue as she paddled away with the men lining the river bank, making an offering to their River Goddess, Boo-kakki.... or at least that's what they said they were doing. My what a sticky episode for our heroine!
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Re: Celia's Fun Thread!!!!

Post  Celia Eriksson on Sun May 20, 2018 3:31 pm

Glad Jul!

Seasonal Greetings Everyone! It's my Bumper Festive Feast. I'll just start rambling on shall I?

So I quickly flipped through my Great Aunt Celia's almost infinite number of journals and looked at the Chrissymassy type ones.

It was one whilst she was driving her canoe up the River Plate that I found first. It was Xmas 1894 and she was traversing some rapids, she told herself: Oh well, Christmas here's not so bad without the Reverand Eriksen keep bringing religion into Christmas at Sørbotn every year! I mean, who wants to pray when there's lots of lovely prezzies to open!

She then beheld a vision. Above across the heavens a sleigh! It was clearly not Santa though, it was a large lady dressed like Santa, but in gold. She had a team of Bobcats pulling her sleigh, she was lit up in a yellowy aura and the sleigh alighted close by in the trees. Great Aunt Celia parked the canoe and made her way there.

She saw two sleighs! The one with Reindeer too! Santa was there conversing with the lady.

"Hi!" Great Aunt Celia decided to be subtle. "I hope you've sent me lots of big prezzies! Whoo hoo! It's me!"
"Why Celia!" Santa replied. "Come here my girl, it must be some years since you were upon my knee!"
"What!" The gold lady exclaimed.
"Oh, this is my wife." Santa chuckled. "Don't fret Ingeborg, I refer to the time in Tesco's when Celia was but ten!"
"You'd better be." Ingeborg Claus replied. "My coming all this way, just to bring some Cobnuts for your deer! My Bobcat are famished!"
"Yes Ingeborg, yes. Ahem. Now Celia do you remember?"
"Of course. I asked you for some nails for my Kitten, Miss Jinks!"
"Yes, you said that only her outer nails were there, retracted in or out. She was missing her middle nails."
"I did."
"And I told you not to worry they would be there for Christmas Day."
"You did, oh you did!"
"Well, err, did they?" Santa stroked his beard. "Did they appear?"
"Yes, they did. As you said, centre claws comes on Christmas Day!"
"What!" Ingeborg Claus screamed.

"So come here young lady." Santa sat down. "Come sit on my knee and tell me want you want for Christmas whilst my Rein feed."
"Oh no you don't!" His fierce wife stated. "Oh nonono!"
"Stand before me then young Celia."
"Well." Great Aunt Celia started. "I'd like something for my Mother."
"How unselfish of you! That's so wonderful to hear, what shall I get her?"
"A six-foot four, handsome Son-in-Law."
"Oh, you've not changed much after all."
"And for me, I'd like that blue sparkly cocktail dress in Harrods, a Faberge barcelet the one with 45 diamonds and....."

48 minutes later.....

"Is that all?" Santa sighed.
"Oh, I want to make a Solskinnskringle pastry after my Grandmother Celia's secret recipe, but the recipe went to her grave. It is said she typed it out on a piece of notepaper though, so it must be somewhere."
"That's right." Santa pondered. "It was written upon her outdoor typewriter, in a snowstorm."
"Yes, she died of Typothermia."
"Go talk to Blitzen, she is my expert upon Norway." Santa pointed. "Over there under that Palm Tree."

"Hello Miss Celia" Blitzen mooed. "Imagine seeing you here. I guess your going to ask about the recipe."
"Yes."
"Yule be sorry!"
"Oh."
"Not really, I just had to say that. Never mind. Your Great Uncle Edgar, her son, pasted it in his scrapbook. It still exists I think."
"But he moved to the USA!"
"Mmmm. Ok well what is Emily Dickinson's favourite Reindeer?"
"What?"
"Dasher!" Blitzen laughed uncontrollably. "The USA is one of Dasher's knowledge places. Go talk to her."

"Hi Dasher!"
"I'm eating!"
"Oh but Dasher, I need to know about my Great Uncle Edgar's scrapbook!"
"Edgar the Christmas parcel man? Did Christmas parcel's up for posting and he also sang in bars?"
"That's him."
"The Wrapper Rapper."
"What?"
"He pasted the recipe on the back of a painting. The painting now belongs to Wencelas, a man in Hungary, in Budapest. See Rudolph, she's the one over there with the bulbous nose."
"I know."
"She has Hungary on her expertise list. She was Elf-taught."
"Groan!"

"Hello Rudolph! Do you mind if I put my sunglasses on?"
"Waaah!"
"Sorry, did not want to make you cry. Wow, it's like Rein!"
"Everyone does that, I can't look into your beautiful, green, sensual, lovely, cute eyes!"
"Ok, they're off!"
"You want to know about Wencelas the pizza lover."
"Pizza lover?"
"Yes, he likes them, deep and crisp and unleaven."
"Oh."
"He took the painting out and sold the frame, back and all, to the Captian of the Good Ship Kangaroo."
"I've been on that."
"I know. Go see Comet, she is the sea expert. That's her there collecting all the Cobnuts in her cheeks. Crafty cow!"

"Hi Comet!"
"Hah....." Cobnuts pinged all over Great Aunt Celia! ".....llllo"
"Oh."
"Darn, I've lost me nuts!" Comet screamed. "What do you want! I suppose it's about that little tramp-steamer Kangaroo!"
"Yes."
"Well the Captain used it as a blackboard. The recipe is still on the back, he died one Christmas Eve after walking into a bar."
"Was it a rough bar?"
"No quite smooth, cast iron."
"Oh."
"It was sent to his daughter, Marissa Compini in Italy. Go see Cupid, she is the Italy girl. She's over there brushing herself against the tree."

"Hi Cupid!"
"Stupid!"
"What?"
"This tree, not good enough to scratch upon. Oh you want to know about the blackboard?"
"Yes."
"Well, she put an old cartoon into it's frame. It was hanging in her house, when she called the police." Cupid sighed. "Whilst we were there."
"Really!"
"Yes, Christmas Eve it was. She phoned them and said there is a man on her roof emptying his sack into the chimney. The vice squad came!"
"Oh."
"Then when they cuffed Santa, he said 'But I only come once a year!', they took him down. We had to finish the night with Ingeborg and those pesky Bobcat!"
"What about the recipe?"
"She had bought a cartoon print and put it in the frame instead. She gave it to her Aunt Anneka, a Swede, for Christmas."
"Oh."
"Go talk to Donner, she knows about Sweden. There she is, having a bath."

"Hello Donner! Glad Jul!"
"Glad Jul!" Donner replied. "Would you like to join me? The mud is warm!"
"Err. No thanks, all the same. Well, I guess you know what I want to know!"
"Mmmm. You should get in the bath first." Donner rose up and squidged her big tum into the mudbath. Schplurb! Bluuuuuurp! The mudbath sang. "It's so relaxing."
"Just had one." Great Aunt Celia replied. "What about this Anneka person?"
"The late Anneka Lund." Donner sighed. "Such a shame."
"What happened?"
"She went to the hairdressers and her stylist kept asking her to remove her headphones. In the end the stylist took them off. Anneka died in moments, sadly."
"Oh no."
"Yes, then they heard the headphone tape."
"Oh?"
"It was saying, 'breathe out...., breathe in....., breathe out....., breathe in....."
"Oh dear."
"Well it was bequeathed to her Sister, Wilma. You best see Prancer about it. She does Northern Sweden. That's her jumping around over there."

"Hi Prancer!"
"Why, as I live and breathe, it's young Celia Eriksson!"
"Hello Prancer, you prance wonderfully."
"And you look so pretty!"
"Thank you. I want to ask about Wilma, the Swedish lady?"
"Ah. The late Wilma Lund."
"Not again!"
"Yes, so sad just after Anneka's demise too."
"What happened?"
"She went on a picnic with her Swedish friend Helga and her Norwegian friend Celia."
"Oh, great name!"
"Yes. Anyway, after the picnic they got lost and they realised they needed to cross a river to get to the car park."
"My, what happened then?"
"You have to see Vixen, she was on duty at that moment. I had lots of prancing to do. She's over there, next to Santa."

"Hi Vixen!"
"Hi Celia, I guess you want to know what happened when the girls had to cross the river?"
"Yes please!"
"Well, Helga said she was a strong swimmer, kerplunk! into the water she went and was washed away by the river, never to be seen again!"
"So sad."
"Yes, then Wilma said she was an even stronger swimmer and Kerplunk! into the water. Only to ber swept away and never seen again!"
"That's terrible. What happened to Celia?"
"She took the footbridge." Vixen crossed her chest and looked up to heaven. "The estate of Wilma was valued by experts."
"Wow."
"The cartoon was from a London funny magazine and was sold for 900,000 pounds!"
"Never!"
"Yes, it hangs to this day in their offices. In the foyer."
"The recipe still on the back?"
"Oh yes! You need to telephone them!"
"What's the number?"
"Ask Dancer, she is our Media and Entertainment expert. She is over there doing some pirouhettes, go ask her for the phone number."

"Hello Dancer!"
"Sorry, there is no Punch line!"
Embarassed



Glad Jul, God Jul!

Beautiful, we are best in the world at this song.... Stille Natt, a southern choir... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-h8SYYGFTp4

....and a young women's choir....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1VAy92Fw8vc
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Re: Celia's Fun Thread!!!!

Post  Celia Eriksson on Sun May 20, 2018 3:33 pm

by CeliaEriksson » Mon Jan 22, 2018 9:21 pm
I was recounting our family sagas last night. It was in the spring of 1788, when the Danish Earl Søren came north with a retinue again to record the farms and Rein that were viewed as part of their assets in Troms. The Norse had always to entertain him, begrudgingly, in Tromso's town hall and Embla and Wallentyna Eriksson, my Supergreat Aunts had been selected to run the gaff.

"Bollocks!" Embla declared, reading the decree. "How are we supposed to organise that, we couldn't organise a piss up in a brewery!"
"There's money to be made! Ooh lots of lovely cash, we'll never want for anything again" Wallentyna dreamed, stepping on the Cat. "We'll be rich!"
"You've taken the tail clean off of Mr. Jinks with your heel!" Embla cried. "You silly person!"
"Don't worry, if we are buying stuff we have to go to the retailer."

So off they went in the cart, poor old Tamir, their trusty nag made the two week journey with ease and they arrived in Tromso safely. They made directly for the Ordfører's house.
They sat with the Ordfører, Arne Skolem and supped tea.
"So there will be 288 guests." Arne said.
"Two gross!" Embla said.
"Well not all of them are horrid!" Wallentyna declared.
"What the hell are you going on about?" Embla screamed.
"Well, they're not all bloody Danes!" Wallentyna replied.

"Sorry about my silly sister." Embla said, holding up her little finger as she cuddled the huge cup. "Will that delicious Leif Selberg be coming at all?"
"No, I did not think of him." Arne said. "Sorry!"
"Well invite him. He's buff!" Wallentyna interjected.
"Of course. I must have taken Leif off my census." Arne confirmed.
"Too right you have, you're mad!" Wallentyna confirmed. "Crazy as a box of Frogs!"

"So how can we ask him to come now then?" Embla wailed. "I wanted him to go!"
"He is a Doctor, is he not?" Arne said. "Why don't you go to him with some small malady and ask if he wants to go?"
"I'll do it!" Wallentyna said excitedly. "I'll say I've got growing pains!"
"Well, you are only 4 foot eleven and you are 51." Arne noticed. "You'll just have to be a little patient."
"No! I want him now!" Wallentyna screamed. "Now, now, now, now!"

"Sorry again." Embla apologised. "So I guess the Earl will have the Blue Room to rest."
"Yes, before he goes into the party." Arne replied. "Put some beer in there for him."
"Can I tell him when it's time to party?!" Wallentyna begged. "I'll say, Your Most Serene Highness, in thee go!"
"Blue." Embla said, squaring up to her sister. "It's blue!"
"Who's silly now then?" Wallentyna said. "I never said indigo."
"Yes you did!"
"Ladies, ladies!"
"Sorry Mr. Skolem!" The twins chanted in unison.
"Just get on with it. I have to feed my.... erm..... mouse!"

So the twins decided to get the entertainment sorted. They interviewed various acts in the hall. The first was an American Harpist, Bert Foran.
"Ok!" Wallentyna screamed through a loudhailer type thingy. "Play the bloody harp!"
"Well, last month." Bert the American replied. "I was playing at my Brother Sam's dance hall on the West Coast of America."
"So what?" Embla asked, fighting for the loudhailer thingy.
"Well, I left my harp in Sam Foran's disco."
"Get out! Next!" The twins yelled.

Next was Lorraine the Flatulant Singer.
"What's a bloody Flatulent singer?!" Wallentyna asked politely. "Never heard of it, you bloody English are mad!"
"Well, I can fart Rule Brittania, perfectly." The English rose Lorraine replied.
"Oh go on then!" Embla sighed.
Lorraine lifted her bustle, fiddled down her knickers and lifted her dress cage fronds high. She then proceeded to drop a steaming brown lump on to the stage!
"What the fuck!?" Embla gasped. "How dare you, you clean that right up now!"
"Oh!" Lorraine cried, tears streaming down her face, fiddling with her fronds. "I was only clearing my throat."
"Clean it up!" Wallentyna screamed. "With fronds like these, who needs enemas?"

Lorraine had finally cleaned up her mess and left in tears. Embla took the loudhailer thingy and called to the stage manager.
"I can see Clare Lee now Lorraine has gone!" She called. "What does she do?"
"She has gone to the pub to use the toilets." The manager, Mr. Larsen replied. "She'll be a while!"
"What happened to the toilet bowl here at the hall then?" Wallentyna asked.
"It got stolen." Mr. Larsen replied.
"Who by?"
"We've no idea." Larsen said. "And we've got nothing to go on."

The twins waited, but soon grew impatient.
"We can play some sport maybe." Embla suggested.
"What sport can you play indoors?" Wallentyna sniffed. "Miss silly billy?"
"Bowling!" Embla suggested. "There, I'm not such a silly billy!"
"Ahah!" Wallentyna exclaimed. "But the Tells are here, the famous Switzers from Switzerland!"
"So?" Embla said. "What about it?"
"The Tell family might play for the Danes and then we'd lose!"
"Ah." Embla pondered. "But they might play for us and then we'd win!"
"Well." Wallentyna declared. "Nobody knows for whom the Tell's bowl."

Luckily the stage manager, Mr. Larsen was shuffling two men on to the stage.
"These two can sing. Juan from Spain and Amil from Turkey." He said.
"Are they any good!?" Wallentyna bawled into the loudhailer thingy. "We're not wasting anymore time!"
"They are about the same actually." Mr Larsen confessed. "When you've seen Juan, you've seen Amil."

And so the entertainment was set. The party was quite something else and I will tell of that another time. But for now I put the old dusty tome of sagas back with the others in the huge chest full of sagas. An almost infinite amount, you may be pleased to know.
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Re: Celia's Fun Thread!!!!

Post  Celia Eriksson on Sun May 20, 2018 3:34 pm

by CeliaEriksson » Tue Mar 13, 2018 4:57 pm
As I was looking for my old golf clubs in the loft this morning to give to a friend, I saw that other huge blanket box, full of my Great Aunt's journals and photographs, it is twice as big as the first, which I have barely read a handful of! I know how much this news will please you all, yes it means I must write them all here for posterity! So I grabbed a journal from the top. It tells of her time in the Antarctic in 1899, just when Carsten Borchgrevink went there!

She was in a wooden hut, the first to be built in the Antarctic, with Carsten her boyfriend, the rest of the crew were still on the ship readying supplies. Carsten was talking of his favourite subject, wasps.

"I am a world renowned expert upon the Wasp." Carston declared to the lovelorn Great Aunt Celia, as they drunk Raspberry wine. "I was stuck on Baffin Island for 8 years alone with nothing but an entire collection of the world's Wasp and thirty-five books upon the subject! There is nothing I do not know about them!"
"It so happens," Great Aunt Celia declared. "That I have a record of Wasp hums in my backpack! Shall we play it!"
"Yes! And I will indentify the kind of Wasp and astound you with my knowledge! Go on Celia, play the record!"

So Great Aunt Celia played the record.... "Bzzzz bzzzz bzz bzzzzzzzz."

"So what wasp was that?" Celia asked, consulting the little card that came with the record.
"Erm.... well, I have to admit to not recognising that one!" Carsten said, dejectedly.
"Boo! Swizzz! Fake fake!" Great Aunt Celia giggled. "Oh sorry Carsten, I do love you."
"Give me another Celia!" Carsten asked.

"Bzzzzzz. Bz bzzzzzz bbbbbbbzzzzz bzzzz."

"Mr. Carsten? Name that Wasp!" Celia said, dramatically of course.
"Oh dear, let me think, it must be, oh no. I don't know!"
"Boo! Boo!" Great Aunt Celia booed, jigged around, pointed and whistled. "Liar, liar, pants on fire!"
"No no, please, I truly am the number one authority on the world of Wasp, please let me try again!"
"Oh, ok." Great Aunt Celia rolled her eyes. "Here's another!"

"Bzzzzz bz bz bz bz bz bz bzzzzzzzzz!"

"I have never heard of any of these Wasps, there must be something wrong with my hearing. I know my Wasps!"
"Oh, hang on a moment!" Great Aunt Celia held up her hand. "I've been playing the Bee side!"

Well, the marmalade skies shone ever bright as no night came. It was extremely chilly outside as Great Aunt Celia refilled their glasses. Only Gramps Emersen was around, he'd been staring through the same window for hours, his teeth chattering away, icicles forming under his nose. Great Aunt Celia gave Carsten his glass as she sat next to him by the toasty warm stove. "Carsten?" She asked. "Don't you think we ought to let Gramps come inside now?"

Carsten opened the door, the southerly wind sang her song as snow bellowed through the door.
"You got them?" Carsten asked.
"I could not find the Ranunculaceae Sir. I am sorry." Gramps wheezed. "There were only these Fern, but they are pretty!"
"You're bloody useless, but it'll do. Now stay out there and keep guard!" Carsten kicked the old man back out of the door. "Don't look through the window, you are unsetlling my bird!"
"Here my sweet. Flowers for you, I'm afraid being the Antarctic, it's only some ferns!"
"Wow, with fronds like these, who needs anemones?" Great Aunt Celia gasped.

"Oh, I'm tired!" Carsten declared, eyeing up Great Aunt Celia through the corner of his eyes and licking his lips. "Let's go to bed!"
"Yes, you have that bunk over there and I'll have the one.... in the shed next door!"
"Oh no, it's going to get very cold and when sleeping we can't stoke the stove."
"No we can't and neither shall we" Great Aunt Celia sniffed.
"But we can snuggle up together at least. Let's pretend we are married!"
"Ok. Ahem. Sorry Darling, I've got a headache."

Next morning they got ready to go exploring, as explorer type people do. Carsten told Gramps to walk a mile every day to keep warm. He was found frozen solid in 1924, 90 miles away. As they readied the dogs outside the sled dogs little lodging, the Mush-room, a large Snowy Owl, wearing a bra landed on the roof of the Mush-room.

"Hi!" Great Aunt Celia said. "Wow, you are one pretty Owl!"
"Yes, I am, am I not." The Owl with the Bra replied. "Hoo, I said whoo are you?"
"I am Celia and this is Carsten."
"A talking Owl!" Carsten declared. "I'm rich! I found me a talking.... I mean we are rich! Of course."
"Why?" The Owl asked. "I am not letting you anywhere near me. I am way to clever!"
"Ah!" Celia said. "I bet you can't do maths!"
"Oh I can. I am far too clever for words."
"Ok prove it!"
"I'd like algebra actually." The Snowy Owl said.
"Right!" Carsten said. "If N=Z what is ZxH divided by P?"
"What are you going on about, you nincompoop?" The Owl answered. "I want an Owl G Bra, 34 inch. This one's killing me! Must fly, bye!"
And the Owl went to fly off, but skidded down the roof and fell upon his tush. "Skid stuff" He shouted back as he took to the skies.

Great Aunt Celia fed the baby sled dogs, the slush puppies, and closed the Mush-room door. She sprayed some auntie-freeze upon the lock and joined Carsten on the sled in the barking lot.

"I baked us a new pudding for our journey!" She declared. "A Russian taught me how to when I was in Nikolaevsk, when I was trying to buy North of Canada for the British. It's called "Baked Here!"
"Baked here? Oh surely.... never mind Celia!"

So off they went!

Soon they were hungry and had already eaten the pie. Carsten spotted a line of Hare, hippity hoppiting across the ice. He took his gun out and shot the last one. Then the next last one.
"The one's at the back are furthest away." Great Aunt Celia said. "Why are you shooting those first you silly person!"
"I don't know, it's something on my mind."
"Ah! I saw you this morning, inspecting your receding hare line!"
"That'll be it."
Just then the beach came into sight, the cold sea lapped the icy shore. It was full of life, Great Aunt Celia made friends with a Turtle stranger, a Dolphin bipped as she stroked the Turtle's shell, he bipped even more, with Porpoise. It was then the biggest Polar Bear anyone ever saw crept up behind them!

"Boo!" The Polar Bear shouted.
"Aaargh!" The duo screamed.
"Sorry!" The Polar Bear apologised. "I just came to say your ship got sunk by an iceberg. All hands are lost. Burp! Pardon me."
"Yoooooou ate them!" Celia said, screwing her eyes up. "All the men off the Celia Gunnhilda!"
"Burp. Oops!" The Polar Bear replied. "Well................................... no."
"Oh, that proves it!" Great Aunt Celia declared. "Else, why the long paws?"
"Yes!" Carsten agreed. "Mr. Bear, where were you on the night of March to September?"
"I'll give you money!" The Bear said. "Don't shop me!"
"Cold hard cash don't cut the ice!" Celia screamed as the Bear ran off. "You'll hang! We'll track you down! We'll hunt you Mr. Bear!"
"Wait Celia." Carsten said. "Have you actually ever hunted Bear?"
"Well no actually. I did shoot a Rabbit once without a bra on."
"Mmmmm!" Carsten looked at Great Aunt Celia sideways again. "Let's get back to our hut!"

And so the adventure continued!
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Re: Celia's Fun Thread!!!!

Post  Celia Eriksson on Sun May 20, 2018 3:35 pm

Not the best of mornings, my porridge exploded.... well ok not exploded, but made a mess of my micrywave, then I laddered a new pair of tights with a snag on my thumbnail, I'd filed and missed it. Well, after a little housework, I now have my coffee and one of Great Aunt Celia's almost infinite number of journals and photographs and I'm only on page 4 of 793 of this one. So I shall continue, for I know you, and especially Miki love them so very much....

So Great Aunt Celia sailed to Australia with Carsten who unfortunately got eaten by a big White Whale called Dopey Dick or something, I can't read that bit. So she landed in Melbourne, with a friendly Ostrich called Oscar that Carsten had given her and traversed the Great Down Under.


Great Aunt Celia & Oscar, 23rd September 1900

She parked Oscar outside a bar and decided to have some Raspberry juice in a nice looking little bar. Soon she had the attention of many locals. She sat at the bar and pulled out a cigarette. A man in a hat with corks all-a-dangling about, leapt forward and lit it for her.

"Well actually I don't smoke." She cooed and pulled the lit bit off of the end. "I just like to look sophisticacated you know."
"Oh, sorry Sheila!"
"Celia, actually. But I am de-lighted."
"My name's Bruce!"
"Pleased to meet you, I am sure. So what do you do for a living Bruce?"
"I'm a clown!" He laughed, pouring Great Aunt Celia a whiskey.
"Well, a nice jester, but I don't drink, I am a Temperance woman!"
"Sorry, well what do you do?"
"I'm an explorer, I canoed up the Amazon!"
"Oh, you are that Celia of Arabia I have read about. Hey Cobbers! This is Celia of Arabia!" All the men cheered. "What was it like canoeing up the Amazon?"
"Quite an oar deal actually."
"So what's with the Ostrich."
"Oh that was my late boyfriend's."
"Don't see many of them here, we have Emus. How did he get it?"
"Well, whilst in the Desolate Desert, he found an old brass lamp. He cleaned it up and out popped a genie! The genie gave him three wishes for setting free."
"So?"
"Well, he asked for a million pounds, a big chick with long legs and to see a white Whale real close up."
"Oh I see. Listen I should tell you what the boys said, behind ya back when ya came in!"
"Oh, behind my back??"
"Yeh, nice ass!"
"Really!"
"You know Celia, you remind me of my little toe."
"Coz I'm small and cute and delicate, I am supposing."
"No, I'm going to bang you on my coffee table when I'm drunk!"
"Too much, you fiend, goodbye!"

So Great Aunt Celia drove Oscar down the high street and after a bit of a mix up with a few horse and carriages headed for the Great Interior!


Great Aunt Celia, Melbourne 20th September 1900

Oscar seemed to have a will of his own and they traversed many miles together. Soon she drove into a little town called Canberra and she parked outside a really big house and knocked on the door for directions. She was greeted by the High Commisioner!

"Come in!" High Commisioner Albrecht Poopenheimer said, "We are going to have a party next week before the Men's XI play the Ladies' XI at cricket and we are preparing now!"
"Oh." Great Aunt Celia said. She was about to ask directions.... "Do you..."
"Snails!" Poopenheimer exclaimed. "We forgot the snails! Girl, do you know what snails are?"
"Why yes I do!"
"Clever girl, go down to the beach and find me lots of snails, quick! They take a week to prepare!"
"Oh ok."
"Do this and you can attend my party!"
"Ooh party!"

So off Great Aunt Celia went and drove to the beach. There were lots of swarthy, oiled, muscularlar Ozzies there, flexing their muscles and twitching their tight, firm bums in their shorts, running around with their..... ahem ..... anyway 5 days later after her telescope broke, Great Aunt Celia looked for and found a large family of snails and put them in her bucket. She drove her trusty Ostrich back to the big house.

She could see Poopenheimer pacing up and down and using her spying wiles, she covertly sneaked up unseen. She heard him cursing about why she had taken so long getting the snails! She quickly hid the bucket and lined the snails up in a row.

"Mr! Mr!" She shouted. "We are back!"
"Oh. There you are!" Poopenheimer exclaimed.
"Come on boys!" Great Aunt Celia leant down and shouted at the snails. "We are nearly there!"

Poopenheimer believed her feint! She was invited to the party and was given a ball gown as a present.


The High Commisioner's Party. All The Great Were There

Great Aunt Celia revelled in the party, she spoke at length with the High Commisioner, Albrecht Poopenheimer, Duke of Ratcliff.
"So where is Ratcliff?" She asked.
"It's near Mayfair in London, a most refined place. I sold it for two bananas though."
"Oh." Great Aunt Celia said, taking some stuff out of a tureen type thingy. "How nice!"
"No my darling, you pass the Duchy on the left hand side." Kristina Minnogue said.
"Through Stepney?"
"We play cricket tomorrow Celia." Alice Blackwell interjected. "Ladies versus the Gentlemen. You are titchy, I'd like you to play behind the stumps."
"Won't I get hit with that hard ball if I'm messing about playing games behind the stumps?" Great Aunt Celia replied. "Thanks Alice, but I am Norwegian, I know nothing of cricket."
"Oh it's easy Celia!" Alice laughed. "There are two teams, one out in the field and one in. Each woman that’s in the side that’s in goes out, and when she’s out she comes in and the next lady goes in until she’s out. When they are all out, the side that’s out comes in and the side that’s been in goes out and tries to get those coming in, out. Sometimes you get women still in and not out. When a woman goes out to go in, the players who are out try to get her out, and when she is out she goes in and the next woman in goes out and goes in. There are two men called umpires who stay out all the time and they decide when the women and men who are in are out. When both sides have been in and all are out, and both sides have been out twice after everyone has been in, including those who are not out, that is the end of the game! Simple!"

"Yes, thanks Alice, I totally get that now!" Celia looked around. "So is Dame Embla Everigge going to play too?"
"Of course, but she plays for the Wonga Wonga XI, not a good team." Alice said. "My 95 year old Gran is with them, she spends the longest time on the crease, believe it or not!"
"Wow, at 95!"
"Yes, she irons the shirts."
"Oh."
"We have to beat the men this year, they are so terribly conceited!"
"I agree, especially that man over there. Why does he keep blowing his nose with sandpaper?" Celia coyly pointed across the room. "He does it when nobody is looking."
"Men!" Alice declared. "They invented the box protector in 1870 and the headguard in 1974. It's clear where their priorities lie!"
Alice and Celia chuckled.
"But we at in 1900!"
"Oh yes, sorry Celia I forgot!"
"How long have you played cricket?"
"Oh a long time, it's in the blood. I am captain and from a long line of cricketers, I'm going to ensure it continues!" Alice caught the eye of a handsome man in a cowboy hat. "We must win tomorrow Celia, Archie Benode, the Cricket Supremo is watching. Shhhh. here comes Reg Normmann, the famous golfer!"

Well next day, the Gentlemen fielded first and Alice was, of course, smashing the ball all over the ground. Celia thought she'd get a better view of her new friend's superb batting so she made her way to the stands. Celia was number eleven as the only bat left was as nearly big as her! She made her way around the packed stand and spied a seat. Alas it was reserved.

"Sorry, this seat is my wife's seat." An old man sitting there said. "But I guess you can have it, I could use some company!"
"Why thanks, I might be some time though with Alice Blackwell at the crease!"
"Yes, it's been quite lonely sitting here on my own watching such a good game with nobody to share it with." The old man smiled. "My wife and I bought these seats, in trust for 100 years, we've used them for nigh on forty-five years."
"Oh." Celia looked about her as the crowd cheered another boundary. "Won't she be back soon?"
"No. She died."
"I'm sorry. Is there nobody in your family that could use this seat to keep you company, or any friends, distant relatives, casual aquaintances?"
"Not today there's not, they are all at her funeral!"

So the Ladies scored 432 from 50 overs and Celia took the gloves. She only let 187 byes through, a personal best, but the Ladies still won! More Great Aunt Celia's adventures, in Australia again soon!


"Only 187 byes!" Gt. Aunt Celia wrote.

Celiaxx
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Re: Celia's Fun Thread!!!!

Post  Celia Eriksson on Sun May 20, 2018 3:36 pm

Got a bit of time on my hands, a very dangerous thing if you are prone to banging your head upon desks and that kinda stuff.

On the 28th of Febryary 1891, Great Aunt Celia landed in Boston, she'd pretended to be a cabin boy on the Good Ship Kangaroo. She sneaked past customs using her wily spy type skills and boarded at The Pancake Hotel. She came down for breakfast the very first morning and noticed she was placed at a table with a very handsome Bulgarian.

"Why, hello!" The Bulging Bulgar said. "May I offer you a seat?"
"I've a Volvo actually, but thanks!"
"What do you say?"
"It's ok, don't worry. I'll sit here." Great Aunt Celia munched some toast. "Are you Russian?"
"No my sweet, I just eat fast." The brawny Bulgar smiled. "I am Ivan Ugeoneova."
"Can't say I did not notice Sir, but so forward! And at this time of day too!"
"Sorry, you are a very confusing little delight."
"I know."
"Yes, well call me Ivan. I am a world renowned ballet dancer!"
"Never heard of ya! And I use to do ballet." Great Aunt Celia announced fluttering her eyelashes. "I was quite brill at it too!"
"Oh that iz wonderful, my lovely. For my leading lady unfortunately fell off an Elephant at the February Is Great Parade and got squidged. Would you please fill in for me."
"Oh I'd love to!"
"Ahem. Yes, it was quite sad. Anyway, you have to move in with all the other dancers, now!"
"Now? Ooh but I love doing ballet and the bright lights! the fame! the stardom! And all those men watching me!"
"Yes. So do you have your own lingerie?"
"Lingerie?"
"Yes and you don't have any nasty little diseases do you?"
"Erm. Well I do have lots of Parisian lingerie and I had the Chicken Pox when I was liccle. Ooh, when do I get to dance?"
"Well we can do a little praccy when we get to the brothel, err,..I mean the theatre."
"What is this brothel you speak of kind Sir?"
"Erm. It's what you girls eat to keep slim, it's like broth, but... erm, it's got everything in it, so broth all."
"Oh goody, I love soup!"

When they got to the theatre, as promised they went to a large room at the back, to praccy ballet. The girls laughed as Great Aunt Celia walked past in her Sunday best.

"Why are all the theatre doors all locked, why are the girls all in their flimsies and what are these chains and ropes hanging from the walls and ceilings for?" Great Aunt Celia asked. "Very curious!"
"Well... the girls are having a pyjama party and we don't want anyone walking in on them and the chains and ropes are...." Ivan stopped and looked around. "Put your ballet stuff on."
So they danced.



The journal clearly has many tear stains upon it, she never wrote about what happened after the dancing. Poor Great Aunt Celia was crying as she wrote in her little pink book, installed into a little room with a large bed and lots of drapes. There was a knock on the door and a very buff, handsome Dutch sea captain entered the room, soon he was atop her.

"Ah, you are all shipshape and Bristol fashion me little cuteykins!" He said.
"Oh God!"
"So me darling' how many knots am I doing?"
"About three."
"Only three?"
"Yes, your not hard, your not in and you're not coming!"
"Oh." The Captain mused. "I'll tell ya what. If my left leg was breakfast and my right leg supper, what comes in between?"
"Sorry, I don't eat in between meals."

Great Aunt Celia took over the task in hand, it was soon over and Great Aunt Celia was allowed to join the other girls.
"So honey!" said Nina, "How was your first?"
"Oh it was a handsome sea captain, quite a bit of eye candy."
"How much?" Curly asked.
"Well, I asked and he said he did not have much. So I told him to get off me and I placed my right hand on his thingy."
"So, $2 dollars?" Delores asked.
"I oiled it up and put my left hand on it above my right hand."
"Oh." The girls cooed.
"Yes, then I put my right hand upon it above my left hand."
"Oh, ooh, ooh!" The girls cooed.
"And then my left hand atop my right hand again! It was so very good. The end price was $100!"
"That has to be a record!" Nana, Nina's sister said. "100 dollars for a handy!"
"Yes, I only have fifty dollars left now, but wow, it was worth it!"
"Oh." Delores said. "What did Ivan say?"
"He hit me." Great Aunt Celia sniffed. "We have to escape!"

And so they escaped, but they did not know what to do for money so Great Aunt Celia went to the bank to draw some money. In the queue a Gentleman behind her goosed her! She gave him a dirty look.

As she reached the counter, she lifted her skirt to get the cheque in her stocking, her pistol was also poked in the top of the stocking.
"Nice hose!" The cheeky Gentleman said. "Rarara!"
"Tis not hose...this is a hold up!" Great Aunt Celia sniffed as she slammed the cheque on the counter and pulled down her dress. "I'd like to make a withdrawal please!"
"Here take it all!" The bank teller quivered, placing piles of dosh on the counter. "It is everything!"
"Oh, thank you. I never knew I had that much in there. Ok, I guess I could use it!"

Well, she read about the robbery and all the girls agreed, there was nothing for it, they formed the infamous Eriksson gang. They met two ladies at a bar called Miki and Jess and the Eriksson gang robbed banks and that. Soon, the local Sherrif McNasty put up a wanted poster for Great Aunt Celia's capture!



Well, the first bank they robbed with the new girls, Miki held the gun as Great Aunt Celia and Jess was to grab the money. Nina, Nana, Curly and Delores were outside keeping dogeye. But a little chimney sweep boy came in the bank, saw the gun, threw his sooty arms in the air! Some specks of soot landed on the trio. Great Aunt Celia and Jess ran to the bathroom. Three hours later with Miki's arms getting tired holding folk up, the duo returned and grabbed the loot, but all they got was three boxes.

Back at the den in Boston High Street the gang opened the boxes and were disappointed with what they saw.
"Yoghurt!" Great Aunt Celia declared. "I saw it in Russia."
"Let's try some!" Delores said.
The girls all agreed it tasted familiar.
"Quite yummy!" Nana said.
"Oh wait a minute!" Miki sighed reading a label. "You've done it again Celia! That was a sperm bank!"

Well soon Boston's finest, Sheriff McNasty had surrounded the den and the gang was made to stand out in the street in their finery, in the freezing coldikins! Men came out the bars and gambling dens to view the five hour ordeal!



In cell number 47, Miki paced up and down.
"How did I end up in here! Another fine mess you've got me into."
"This cell was Mad Shorty Cabinette's cell. No. 47." Jess said.
"So bloody what!" Miki said.
"He was a clairvoyant." Great Aunt Celia stated. "And apparently only four feet tall."
"Yes." Jess mused. "I remember his wanted poster after he escaped. It said Small Medium At Large."
"Oh for heaven's sake!" Miki said. "But wait. How did he escape?"
"Look under the toilet, the concrete is all kinda wiggly cracked." Great Aunt Celia noticed. "I wonder why?"
"That's it!" Miki said.
The girls lifted up the toilet and found a tunnel leading to the High Street. They were free! Great Aunt Celia said her heartfelt goodbyes and rode her trusty nag, Bob,to the shore after sending a telegram to her favourite sea captain.



And her adventures continued!
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Re: Celia's Fun Thread!!!!

Post  Celia Eriksson on Sun May 20, 2018 3:38 pm

On the 21st of August 1893, Great Aunt Celia landed in Scotland. She was on one of her liccle vacations and started the trip at the Wooden Spoon Hotel in McPoopenheimertown.

She soon gained the attention of Hamish McPoopenheimer, the Laird of McPoopenheimertown the owner of the hotel.
"Have ya ever been fishing lassie?" Hamish asked as she tucked into Square Sausage.
"Well no actually." Great Aunt Celia replied. "Never, why do you ask?"
"I think we should hook up!"
Well with that superb piece of chatteryupness, Great Aunt Celia was suitably smitten.
"What a fine lassie ya be, ya must come fishing with I tomorrow." Hamish continued. "Please!"
"Oh, I don't like touching smelly fish."
"Women make the best fishers ya know lass. And I can teach ya, by teaching ya ta cast! Dinnay worry, I'll handle the fishys."
"Okay, but as long as you don't handle me, with the teaching and that!"
"Well I agree." Hamish looked disappointed. "Tell me, what's the difference between a woman and a fishy?"
"I don't know."
"They both stop shaking their tail when ya catch 'em!"
"Really!"
"Anyhoo lass, are ya willing to come with Hamish, to go fish?"
"Oh ok, I'll go for the halibut."

So off they went to Loch McPoopenheimer and Hamish began to show Great Aunt Celia how to cast. But her first cast was a disaster, it was captured for historicacal purpose by the Laird's own personal artist....



.... who happened to wander past at the right time!
But soon she got the hang of casting. The Laird Poopenheimer took his position further down the river as the Laird's artist watched both, in case they caught a whopper.

The Laird was almost falling asleep when a friendly Woodnymph landed on his pole..... he was having a pee.
"Mmmm!" She said, licking her lips. "Is there anything you desire?"
"I'm a wee bit peckish sweetheart. I cad do with a wee bit of haggis for me tum."
So the Woodnymph flew away and brought back a large steaming chunk of haggis.
"Aye thanky lass!" The Laird exclaimed, gobbling down the rare treat.
"Could there be possibly anything else?" The Woodnymph grew to woman size and pulled down her cami strap a little. "Anything you choose can be yours."
"Aye. There is, after that haggis, I am a little thirsty."
So the Woodnymph flew away and brought back a huge bottle of finest whisky. The Laird greedily drank a quarter of the fine liquidation.
"Thankee!" He said. "Ya are a real magician, that is the Bee's knees!"
"Would you like anything, anything your heart desires?" The Woodnymph pulled her other cami strap down and pushed her breasts out. "Would ya like to play around?"
"Oh no. I'm a fishing. I'll be playing golf tomorrow!"

Then a friendly Lesser Tartaned Haggis flew by, noticed Great Aunt and landed on her fishing pole.
"Hi!" The Haggis said. "What are you trying to catch?"
"I don't know, I thought the Laird was going to help, but he's making it into some kinda competition now and I'm hopeless!"
"I'll pipe up the fishys!" The Haggis said. "DrrrroneWaahdrrrrrrrmmmmnnnnwaah!"
Great Aunt Celia's rod bent over and soon she had landed two huge fishys!
"Oh Mr. Haggis, that is wonderful, I have never seen such big ones before! If there is anything I can do to help you!"
"Well, that's okay, I will look after you, you seem so nice, you did not try to shoot me!"
"What?" Great Aunt Celia asked, but the Haggis had flown away.

The Laird was amazed at Great Aunt Celia's catch.....



So the Laird was a little annoyed. He'd fallen head over heels, but as those that have been smitten know, love and hate ride very close together through jealousy and want. He suggested they play golf the next morning.

"Have ya played golf, my little diamond?" He asked. "I guess you've not!"
"Once or twice." Great Aunt Celia lied, for she was an expert. "In England you know."
"Ahgh! Donnay mention the place in my hoose!" Hamish squealed. "We play tomorrow, on my private course. Well it was all mine, now it is co-owned by the US President, Mr. Tramp!"
"Ugh!"
"Yes, ugh!"

So they made there way to the course. "I guess you'll want green golf balls!" Hamish chuckled.
"Why?"
"Coz there's lots of bunkers lassy!"
"Ha... frickin' ha!" Great Aunt Celia replied. "I'll bet there's lots of worms around this course!"
"Explain yourself lassy."
"I've seen lots already!"
"I've nay seen a single worm on this course!"
"That''s coz they all hide under your ball when your on the course, then they know they are safe!"
"Guess I deserved that!" Hamish laughed. "Watch and weep!"
Great Aunt Celia wiped the floor with poor Hamish! She was of course, a whizz!




Hamish made for the 19th hole and never reappeared! Ladies were not allowed in so Great Aunt Celia hired a cottage near the river where the Haggis lived. The next morning the friendly Haggis flew by and saw her, he landed on the roof. He was crying and poured out his heart. Great Aunt Celia spotting the Haggis!....



Soon she'd heard everything about the impending demise of the last surviving Haggis species, the Lesser Tartaned Haggis Hagissa Ochayethenooa. After trying to stop the American slaughter of the Passenger Pidgie and the Carolina Parakeet and failing she agreed with the Haggis, Bob, that she would help defend the last three known Haggis from being hunted down. Next morning she sent telegrams to her American friends to come over and help the Haggis. Her friends sent a telegram back and on September 2nd. 1893, both Sureshot Jess and Deadeye Miki landed in McPoopenheimertown. The photographs below show that they meant business alright!





They were known as the Miki Haggis Preservation gang! And the next instalment of my Great Aunt's journals will tell of their fight for the Lesser Tartaned Haggis' survival war!

The Miki Haggis Preservation gang.....

Miki and Jess Highland dancing, the evening before the Great Haggis Showdown!

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Re: Celia's Fun Thread!!!!

Post  Celia Eriksson on Sun May 20, 2018 3:39 pm

Anyway, reading on through Great Aunt Celia's journals, the intrepid trio made plans how to smuggle the last known 3 Haggis out of harm's reach and Great Aunt Miki said she'd put them up at her farm in Californey in a chicken coop so they could breed and that, she had a Belgic guard dog called Sammy who'd look out for them.

Deadeye Miki decided that Great Aunt Celia should use her spying wiles and infiltrate the Haggis Hunters, whilst Sureshot Jess would use her archery skills and send bits of meat all over the place, then go to the Hunter's bar to stop any Haggis munching if they bought one back. Miki would stand by at the lodge and would ride to wherever the hunt went and stop any massacrering of innocent Haggae.

Great Aunt Celia introduced herself to the hunt at the Hunter's bar. the evil hunt leader Colonel Poopenheimer, Cousin of the McPoopenheimers, liked what he saw....

"Nice kilt!" Great Aunt Celia said. "I've always wondered, is there anything worn underneath?"
"No my little Nordic noodle dumpling." Poopenheimer swaggered. "All working and ready to go!"
"Groan." Great Aunt Celia nearly puked. "I suppose you want to kiss me, don't you?"
"Why, how did you know?"
"From the gleam in your eye Colonel. And, I suppose you want to hug me?"
"Yes, why of course. How did you summise that?"
"From the gleam in your eye Colonel, from the gleam in your eye." Great Aunt Celia swooshed her bustle and turned her back upon the Colonel. "And, I suppose you want to..... fuck.... me Colonel?"
"My, you have me there, of course I do. But how did you deduce that, from the gleam in my I, I am supposing?"
"No, it's from the pointy bit sticking out the front of your kilt!"

Just then, English Bob hopped in to the room, he was bleeding badly for his foot was missing!
"I tracked the Haggis sir! All three of them!" Bob sat down and some of the hunters attended his wound. "I tracked them to the Burn McPoopenheimer by McPoopenheimer Hollow!"
"Bob, Lucy and Tammy." Great Aunt Celia whispered to herself. "Oh dear!"
"What?" Poopenheimer asked.
"Nothing."
"What happened to your foot?" The Colonel asked English Bob.
"Well, I was following the tracks when a train hit me."
"Oh." Poopenheimer jumped upon a table. "Come on men! Get the Horses, Dogs and guns, tonight we eat Haggis! You can have my bay mare, Miss Eriksson"

A piper piped as the men got ready.
"What's the difference between a lawnmower and the bagpipes Miss Celia." The Colonel asked as he saddled up. He put the belt thingy under the horse.
"Dunno."
"You can tune a lawnmower!" The Colonel laughed.
"Oh."
The Colonel walked to the back of his horse, lifted the stallion's tail and kissed it's bum!
"Ewwww!" Great Aunt Celia ewwed. "That's disgusting! Why did you do that, for good luck?"
"No. It's for my chapped lips I get when I ride."
"Does dung stop that then?" Our heroine enquired.
"No, but it stops me licking my lips!"

And off they rode. Great Aunt Celia pretended that her mare, Pricilla, bolted and went to find Jess.


Great Aunt Celia, pretending that her Horsey had bolted.

So she found Jess linseed oiling her trusty bow.
"Hi Jess!"
"Are they coming?"
"Yes, they'll be here soon!" Great Aunt Celia said. "Start spreading the meat about, when you are done, fire three shots in the air and we will meet you here under this tree! I'll get Miki!"

Meanwhile, back at the lodge, Miki's horse, Hercules, was playing up. It was quite a tail of whoa!
"You naughty horsey!" Miki said as her mount began nuzzling a little Shetland Pony mare. "Leave this little mare alone!"
"Sorry." Hercules replied. "I'm feeling a little hoarse at the moment."

Just then Great Aunt Celia came barrelling along. She sped past Miki, Hecules and the little Shetland Pony, shot into the barn and straight into a hayrick.


Miki, waiting for the call!

"My, my, Celia!" Miki said upon reaching the sight of a straw covered Great Aunt Celia and Priscilla. "Where on earth did you learn to ride."
"Well, if you must ask, my first ride was a disaster too!"
"I'll bet. Go on tell me."
"Well." Great Aunt Celia said dusting herself down. "I got on my very first mount aged 27. The horse gave me a terrible time, bucking and boring, soon I slipped right off the side-saddle with my legs all a dangle in the side stirrups, at the mercy of the pounding hooves as my horse continued to buck, bore, jink and leap!"
"How did you get out of that one then?"
"The Walmart manager came and pulled out the plug. 'Twas a close call!"
Miki banged her head upon the barn door..... several times!

They rode to where Jess should have been and waited. But no three shot signal came. So they went to the Burn McPoopenheimer, but alas the delay had taken it's toll. Poopenheimer had shot Lucy, the Haggis out of the sky....



Meanwhile, Jess had ridden back to the Hunter's bar and laid in wait. The Haggis Hunters returned with Bob and Tammy in a cage. But Sureshot Jess had them! She took the cages off them and told them to tie each other up. Soon Miki and Great Aunt Celia arrived and secured them.
"Celia will let you go, once Jess and I are on The Good Ship Kangaroo back to the Americas, where these Haggae will live in peace!" Miki announced. "And Jess, what happened to the three shot signal?"
"I fired three shots several times." Jess said, pointing to the door.
Miki looked at the bow Jess had left by the door and banged her head upon the bar..... several times!


Jess laying in wait for Poopenheimer and the Haggis Hunters

So the Haggae were saved and they say the Haggae now live happily ever after in a secret liccle corner of Californey and are thriving! Great Aunt Celia went to Finisklin, Ireland and made friends with a Mountain Sheep called Fred. Then she rode a Sligo Goat to China, where her adventures continued!
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Re: Celia's Fun Thread!!!!

Post  Celia Eriksson on Sat May 26, 2018 3:46 pm

And so it was in late old '93 my illustrious, spy type Great Aunt Celia was on a slow boat to China. But the good Captain Chang got lost and asked her for help.
"The Mariners of Yore used to navigate by the stars!" She confidently stated. "Oh, you silly billy!"
"Of course!" The salty seaman replied. "What a silly twit I am!"
Well, they went to the rail of the tramp steamer Bobolink and looked up to the stars.....





So Great Aunt Celia navigated by the sun instead, they landed at Cleethorpes, England on the 17 September 1897 thinking they were in China. They'd sailed 19,000 miles from Scotland on a round trip of the seven seas to England. Great Aunt Celia went down to the Captain's Captain to inform him, but caught him with his trousers down, almost looking as though he'd been a-wanking!


"Why, Captain Chang, what are you doing!" She asked.
"Just putting on these socks my dear!" The Captain blushed. "Not a-wanking at all,  you understand."
"Oh. Then why is that copy of The Victorian Lady's Lingerie Supplement looking all kinda sticky and creamy and that!"
"Aherm, well you see." The salty seaman stroked his beard, which also got sticky! "It's ice-cream!"
"Well how did you manage to get it all over the place?"
"Have you ever tried to wank whilst eating ice cream!" Captain Chang confidently said. "Oh, , what have I said, my secret is out!"
"Yes it is!"





"Well, it's a thing we men do you know, lots of a-wanking. It's like back in Scotland. I went to see the Nurse."
"Oh, I am a nurse too, as well as an explorer, spy, fashionista and cuteykins!" Great Aunt Celia pondered. "What has that got to do with it?"
"Oh, I knew you were a nurse.  I noticed your knees are a little blushed."
"What, from my knees Captain Chang, how did you deduce that?"
"Yes, coz they are blushed, I realised you must be a Head Nurse!"
"Really!"


"Well anyway Celia, I went to see that Scottish Nurse and she told me I must stop wanking!"
"Coz you pull muscles?" Great Aunt Celia enquired. "Or is it your heart?"
"No she said I should stop wanking because she wanted to examine me!"
"Oh Captain Chang!"


"Yes. I admire you Miss Celia, very much!"
"Why?"
"Coz you want your cock and eat it too!" Captain Chang laughed.


"That's enough. Anyway we have landed in China, I think. Though there are people on the beach eating fish 'n chips and tied hankerchiefs upon their heads. I fear the sun navigating thing went wrong. It could be Cleethorpes."
"Well, let's go further up the coast. I'm wanted in Cleethorpes for coming across a dog."
"That's not a crime!"Great Aunt Celia mused.
"Well, I only got away coz the policeman that owned the dog had to wipe it off!"


So the little Tramp Steamer chugged up the coast and Great Aunt Celia said her farewells to the crew that went ashore for a picnic.
She walked miles and it was getting dark and thunder started when she beheld a very spooky looking house in the distance. She made her way there and after knocking and not receiving an answer went inside the half open door.





"Nice to see you." A voice said.
"Well, it's not nice not seeing you!" Great Aunt Celia replied. "Where are you?"
"I am Bob the Ghostie. You are quite a cuteykins! Let me guess, you are a heir ghostess?"
"Oh, hello Bob! Well, no actually, I am Celia Eriksson, explorer, spy and all that stuff. I'm not a ghost at all, I am real"
"Oh! A real person and such cuteness! I have not seen a real person for 300 years. I wish we could dance." Bob said and then appeared before Celia. "But I have no body to dance with!"
"Oh, you!" Great Aunt Celia waved down the compliment. "I can see right through you!"

Just then there a tinkling sounded. It was like someone was piddling on a flannel!
"What is that I can hear!" Great Aunt Celia asked. "It's spooky!"
"Oh don't worry about him, it's Mozart, he's decomposing."
"I see."
"Yes he is now a ghost writer. Would you like to meet him Miss Eriksson?"
"Na, tell him I can't see him."


"Would you like something to eat then?"
"Ok, but I thought ghosts did not eat."
"But of course. This way." Bob ushered her through. "Tonight it is booberry pie"
"Yummy!"She exclaimed and opened a door. "In here, is it?"
"No that is the living room, we never go in there!" Bob said opening another door. "It's quiet now, all the transparents have gone down to the dayscare centre to pick up the children!"


"Oh you are kind. Is that the pie? Are you having some?"
"No Miss Celia, I need to keep fit, I need more exorcise!" Bob looked at her. "You are not frit at all are you? Do you not get frit, by ghosties, ghouls, vampires, demons and that?"
"No. I quite like ghosties. And remember demons are a girl's best friend! I'll tell you what though Bob, vampires give me the willies. They are a pain in the neck!"
"Yes, it's true Miss Eriksson, you are so wise and cute!"


"Well that pie was nice. I best head for Cleethorpes. How can I get there?"
"Take the roller ghoster. Go out the door, don't turn left, it's a graveyard, a dead end. It'll be right in front of you. It's raining now so you won't have to worry about any bad ghosties!"
"How is that?"
"Oh, everyone knows that rain dampens the spirits!"
So Great Aunt Celia took the roller ghoster to Cleethorpes and her adventures continued!


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Re: Celia's Fun Thread!!!!

Post  Celia Eriksson on Sat Jun 09, 2018 11:09 am

And so it was Great Aunt Celia found herself in Cleethorpes late one evening with nowhere to stay.
She went to a boarding house that had a 'vacancies sign and knocked on the door. A large lady in an apron opened the door.
"Oh hello." Great Aunt Celia said. "Do you mind if I stay here the night?"
"No, that's ok." The landlady replied. And shut the door.

Great Aunt Celia stood at the door bemused. And it started to rain, so she slept in a beach hut. In the morning she decided to have a swim and wore the swimming cozzy she found in the hut. It fitted perfectly. 



As she walked down the beach, she beheld a buff guy totally naked lying on the beach with a hat over his thingy.

"A Gentleman would raise his hat to a lady." She sniffed as she wiggled past, she looked back and noticed the hat had risen, considerably. "That's more like it."

So she splashed in the waves and a friendly Sea Bass swam by.
"Hello!" She said. "Do you know how I can get a bus to somewhere that will take me to Grimsby, I need to get a boat to Europe."
"The only bus I know is the Octobus." The friendly Sea Bass replied. "But McFinnegans on the shore does mean sandwiches!"
"Oh ok."

So she ran past the man with the hat, now flying at full mast and got changed and made her way to the sandwich shop.

"Why hello there!" McFinnegan said. "What kind of sandwich do you want."
"It's so hard to choose." Great Aunt Celia replied. "While I am choosing, where do I get the bus to Grimsby."
"Just the stop outside. It comes in two minutes."
"Oh, then I best have the Turtle one then. Make it snappy!"

But she missed the bus.  Soon a large woman with a Dog joined her at the bus stop. The Dog, smelling Great Aunt Celia's delicous sandwich kept whining, barking and jumping up. It's sad brown eyes caught Great Aunt's eye.

"Can I throw your dog a bit?" She asked the huge woman.
"Why yes, of course!" The Lady replied. So Great Aunt Celia threw the Dog over the wall.
Well the Lady was outraged so Great Aunt Celia gave her some of the sandwich and they were soon friends.

"I like to ride on a bus." Great Aunt Celia said. "But the drivers get so upset when my horsey Gunnhilda drops poop on their floor!"

"Yes me too." The large Lady said. "I used to take the bus to school, but I had to leave it outside. Too big to get through the doors and the horses filled the classroom!"

After two hours, one bus had clearly been cancelled, the bus came along the driver whoaing the Horses. 



Great Aunt Celia allowed Fiona, the large Lady, to get on first.
"Sorry!" The conductor said. "No dogs on the bus!"
"I've been waiting at the bus stop for two hours!" Fiona complained. "There's nothing on the timetable about dogs!"
"No elephants either!" The conductor said. "We can't have signs for everything!"
"Well I never!" Fiona screamed. "You know where you can stick your bus, don't you!"
"If you could do that with your Dog," The Bus Conductor started, "You can get on my bus!"

In the harbour of Grimsby, Great Aunt Celia made a deal with Mad Mick the sailor and was told to hide in a lifeboat upon the SS Gunnhilda, bound for Marseilles he had told her. All she had to do to pay him recompense was have sex once a day. As Mad Mick was quite handsome, she agreed.



Every day Mad Mick would go to her and it continued for three weeks, when the Captain discovered her hiding in the lifeboat, munching sea biscuits.

"How long have you been here?" Captain Poopenheimer asked her in the wheel place thingy from where boats are driven.
"Three weeks, my passage was in return for sex with Mad Mick." Poor Great Aunt Celia declared, tears running down her cheeks. "I need to carry on with you to Marseilles please don't throw me off!"
"That Mad Mick!" Poopenheimer said. "Look, that's Grimsby. This is the Humber ferry!"

So Great Aunt Celia left the ferry and got on a Clipper bound for Italy.  As she got off the plank thingybob, she had a hat crisis, her hat was blowing off too easily! The American Captain,  James T. Spangler III went to help our little Maid in distress. Great Aunt celia fumbled with the 15 hat boxes she was struggling with.

"Now this hat is size 6 1/2 so I need a smaller one." She declared to the Captain. "I guess a newsboy cap might be best, or a shooting cap, which size do you think?"
"Sorry, no capsizing upon my ship!" Captain Spangler ordered. "Get below!"

"I am sorry!" Great Aunt Celia said. "Are you worried about it then?"
"Yes, a few months ago I was on the Michaela Marie, we were carrying a cargo of red paint to Senegal!"
"Oh."
"Yes and we collided with the Papillon Niyori which was carrying a load of Blue paint to Grimsby."
"Oh."
"Yes, we were marooned!"

"Oh." Great Aunt Celia sighed. She saw a  bunch of huge round leather balloons and kicked one in the air. "I see!"
"Don't kick that!" The Captain said. "That is a new invention for the hold, we are experimenting with it to help with tonnage."
"Whatever floats your boat." Great Aunt Celia sniffed. "Here is my ticket!"

"Hold on let me get Midshipman Poopentrope." The Captain called the Midshipman that had the passenger list.
"Let's have the number!" Poopentrope said. "I've a sore head, too much rum last night. Whisper it in my ear."
Great Aunt Celia whispered it in Poopentrope's ear.
"Wow!" He looked at her and Captain Spangler. "She wants me to have sex, sex, free sex tonight? Well, ok, if that's ok Captain?"
"What?" Captain James T Spangler III grabbed the ticket. "You nincompoop Poopentrope! The ticket is number six, six, three six two nine! Have your ears syringed by the surgeon!"

One day out of Rome and Great Aunt Celia was a hit with all the sailors. At the Captain's table that night, James T. Spangler III decided to ask her how she had become such a hit with his Yankee crew.

"It must be the mast thing." She replied, tucking into a fudgecake. "I'm quite rich now, thanks to them and they love it when I do the mast thing!"
"Mast thing?" He asked, looking at the two other passengers quizzically. "What is that?"
"She climbs the Mizzenmast." Doctor Thingybob said. "I've viewed it."

""You climb the Mizzenmast young Lady?"
"Yes, the crew bets me a dollar I can't get to the top." Great Aunt Celia said. "But I do it every time, I've made 373 dollars!"
"Oh child!" The Captain chuckled. "They just want to look at your knickers!"
"Oh, I thought that too. But they don't get to see them!"
"How iz that?" Madame De La Croix asked, spinning her wine glass. "C'est impossible!"
"They don't!" Great Aunt Celia sniffed. "Coz I always take 'em off!"

So the gallant Clipper docked in Rome and the adventures continued!

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Re: Celia's Fun Thread!!!!

Post  Angelic on Wed Jun 20, 2018 12:46 pm

Celia Eriksson wrote:From my TGBoards collection:

I saw a deaded Rabbit in the road on the way home from work tonight. It always breaks my heart a little to see such a beautiful creature die so. I like to think that nobody would create such a beautiful creature and let it exist no more. There must be a Bunnyland in the sky, where Rabbits go when they die, where there is Giant Carrots, Long Lush Grasses to nibble and no Fox, Wolf, Stoat or Weasel.

Hmm. Your emotions remind me back of how I was in my 20's when I used to be a nice and caring person. But I went down the road of lonliness and rejection for so long that I no longer really feel anything when I see roadkill anymore. Of course there are pros and cons and my new mind is arguably more logical and pristine that it was before. It allows me to be a better critic since I am not really concerned with anyone's feelings or popular opinions on the matter only the sheer quality of the art.

But I still do have emotions, usually negative, as I break out in hives and have hives all over my body being such a nervous wreck and rejected by society as much as I am. I am not sure if there is anyway to remove them as I am scarred all over. Possibly giving them more pause and increasing rejection, despite hives being not an actual disease and thus not actually physically contagious (although emotionally so.)
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Angelic

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