New year, new beginnings.

Not going to mention specific gifts, they were received, they were nice.

Christmas 2018 will be remembered as the year I finally got one, a Christmas.
Mine, I wasn't a visitor in another home this year.

I'm yes, an atheist, and you would think "what can Christmas mean to an atheist?"

Good question I suppose.

Ok, the day is universally known as Christmas, whether you celebrate it or not.
There's no more a war on it than there is a war on drugs of course.
It's not even really a Christian holiday if you poke behind the origins.
Jesus, if he ever existed as he's thought of, probably wasn't born in December either.

To a kid, it's about Santa. Who is as real as the tooth fairy.
But I like Santa.

To me, Christmas is the day I open gifts under a decorated tree, and then have a great turkey dinner with my family if they can make it (who is now D'arcy, her son, and daughter, and my son). The family eventually get old enough (like my son who has his own home and Christmas now), that they are potential visitors instead of being part of the home.

We had the dinner on the 24th so I could include my friend Sam who was visiting from out of town.
Christmas day was me and D'arcy enjoying our first Christmas together.
We ate a second plate of turkey dinner for round 2.

I don't require a special justification for the day.
I don't require a spiritual meaning.
It's nice for what it is, a good meal, good friends, family, and good memories.

That was my Christmas.

Then a number of days doing nothing too important.

Last night I had Sam and Nate over, and we hung out as friends typically do. Being idiots, drinking maybe too much in one case eating pizza and in the end, they left early (being drunk causes that hehe). I welcomed New Years snuggling in bed with D'arcy. At 48 and 57 I think we are past loud rambunctious partying late into New Year's Eve perhaps.

2018 miiiiiight have ended poorly if not for two key events.
My dad appears in February, ends up restoring my faith that real men still exist, rescues my dismal hopes for a birthday, and provides me the guidance I lacked.
By summer, I had finally lost hope I'd ever find anyone at all. Hetero male, whatever male, a transgender male, any male. I was spent. I'd tried it all. I was out of ideas.
And out of the blue, I find D'arcy. A transgender woman.
D'arcy was where I was. She'd given up. There was no one for her, her life was about to crash and burn badly too.
D'arcy saved me, and I saved her.

So here I am, sitting here New Year's Day, day 01 of January 2019.

And new beginnings.

I'm hoping to make some serious shifts in my life.
I think I have bought enough toys.
I think I have blathered enough blathering on the internet too to a point.
I am unsure I want to do the YouTube thing.
Yesterday I saw a bit too closely what society can really be like.
It was just two black guys spouting off in an unfriendly fashion about Miss Spain.
And the comments were all disgusting.
And I don't want to be part of that world.

I'm going to do my advocating, and my support, in person, on the street, where I can truly be myself, and show the world what transgender means. For real.
We're just women. Nothing more than that.
Being transgender isn't a trend. Isn't a phase. Isn't a mental condition. Isn't a sin.
It's like being born Caucasian. It's a detail and nothing else.

And I am going to let it become just a detail.
I'll fight back against injustices, but, I'm going to do it in public.
Because complaining here or on my Facebook will accomplish precisely nothing.
Because making YouTube videos isn't enough.

I'm also going to begin using my day to do things worth the time.
Like painting.
Like making a model.
Like playing a wargame (yes those too, even if I suck at it now ).

I'm saving up to get married this year.
It's going to likely be in October.
I likely will be avoiding spending money on anything else other than it and a car.

Because 2019 is going to be about reaching 2020.
2020, is the year I escape my surroundings.
I'm all for getting a Tiny Home, and just mostly disappearing with my lover to where ever we feel like driving to.
Not sure how hard the Tiny Home idea will be. But at least with the car, we can go on vacations.
I've never been on a vacation before.
Dad is hoping to give us a honeymoon in England.

It's time I accomplished a major shift in my life, and how I live it.
The same ole same ole is no longer cutting it.

Given a chance, I'd rather be more infrequent on the internet as a whole.
I'd rather messages from me grew rare.
I've spent large swaths of time on the internet, mostly on forums, since 2000.
That's 20 years.
I think I've run the course.
My life has to evolve away from my dependency on staring at text on a screen unless I'm writing a novel.

That sounds beautiful, Lesley. A Christmas in the True Spirit thereof.

May the future bring everything you seek and more.

And thank you for fighting for me when I am too cowardly to do so myself.

Hi Lesley,

It's so nice to have you back. Hoping all that you desire in the New Year happens for you and D'Arcy and everything goes very well!

Being transgender does become simply just another detail. Nothing more. I have accepted the fact for so long now. New Year does bring things home and thoughts about the past year, or years. I had a good night out, it was fun and I had a few glasses of wine, fortunately I stayed soberish. Today after all the fun is the reflection of the past. It's times like this that I know that I feel the strain of trying to look my very best at all times. It's head to toe with me, I take no prisoners with anything but trying to look my very best. From the slightest little hair growth upon anywhere upon my body, to being upset when my hair isn't right. Any little blemish anywhere is greeted with disdain, my nails must be at their very best and a breakage is like a personal disaster that I take very badly. Oh and a thousand other little things. I rarely let up.

But I shall never, ever.... and have never ever, wanted to change back to being a man. I was anything else but a pretty poor excuse of a man and now I doubt I could even make poor excuse status. Twas a gay effeminate 'man' that took care of herself, but all the same, never spent nearly as much time as I do now upon so many daily regimes to fight ageing and mercessly fight anything that may hold a bar upon what prettiness I have shine through. I guess it's around three hours a day with different stuff, but I shall always do it, if not more. It's the price I pay of being a woman, a transgender woman.

One thing is sure as I reflect over my times, so take my advice Lesley. Make the very best of every single day. Enjoy life, it is good and it is far too short to argue the toss with anybody. Enjoy D'Arcy, enjoy your family, enjoy your life eh. Being transgender is just another detail in life's rich tapestry, and our lives are more colourful than the most flamboyant cis person could imagine, cis man or cis woman. Just be you, enjoy.

Savour each and every moment. Wake up and tell yourself you are amazing, coz you are eh.. we all are. And btw, birds of a feather flock together, so make sure you let me know when you come to England. I want to show you England. My home town and show you the Brighton scene.

Celia xx