Andrea's Journal

I have been here before. To TG Boards. Many years ago. The experience was mostly positive. I am back here as I seek to write out my thoughts and feelings (good and bad) as well as my aspirations, dreams and goals (personally and even professionally.)

It seems as though I have resisted for nearly 35+ years what was in plain sight as it pertains to my gender "struggles" — and yes — I am a bit of an old  (or perhaps we can say 'middle-aged') hag  I have gone through life kind of knowing but never wanting to disclose — to anyone; including self — that I have never really felt "connected" to my genetic gender. As I post more, more details on this will emerge for those who are reading. For now, it is enough to say I am accepting of a place where I feel far more connected to being a woman, then a man, and as a long-time M2F CD/TV/TG I am confident that I am entering a new place of both acceptance and integration.

Perhaps one of the worst things I did — and what has indirectly pointed me to return to TG Boards — is using chatrooms and porn sites as an outlet for the female self. I felt so unable and unwilling to allow the complete me out, that I went to a virtual place where that version of self — we will call it the female version for now — could have a home… a space int he greater universe. A space where I would be "accepted." The problem with that is that I am pulled into a place that is not only tawdry and salacious, but  it is not real — and worst of all — it prevents me from living a real life, and prevents me from achieving many personal and professional goals.

The short version of the above paragraph is — life has not turned out anywhere close to where I wanted to be. And I realize much of that is truth for just about every human. But for me — when I added in how much time I have spent in a virtual world of chat and porn, combined with all of the other challenges I have been faced with — I feel like it is time to rebuild, and make better decisions.

I have remained away from any chat rooms or porn sites for over a week now. I feel this is critical on many fronts — as follows:

• Staying clear of these internet places will allow me to refocus energy on work projects that long piled up.
  
• Finishing lingering projects, paves the way to get new projects.
  
• By taking on these tasks and completing them, I can spend more time on living and work space improvements (I work on my own, from home)
  
• The life experience I have with my wife will be healthier on several fronts.
  
• I will be far less stressed with the work pressures off of me. This will make me less grumpy/grouchy/bitchy which I tend to be regularly
  

There are several other items I can add — and over time I will.

The outlet for the female self has to be a healthy one. And I am starting to come to terms that it has to be more present in life. To claim it as a more complete version of me! It cannot be some forever hidden, taboo part of me that connects to some kind of sexualized fantasy. At one time, I thought, "this was just a fetish" but when I began to be able to just present as female as I sat and worked — and I realized my feelings had nothing to do with the clothes, and more to do with anatomy and persona and inner soul — I knew this was not just a fetish.

And so — I welcome comments, thoughts, input from other members. Thank you for allowing me the chance to use this space as a place to share, and vent, and perhaps build new friendships!

Andrea

Hi Andrea!

Thank you, that is a very nice read and well written. There is a little of you in all, I guess, at least some of it at some point in our lives. I particularly like the anatomy, persona and inner soul part. I thought about that and believe me it is quite true, just don't get terribly vain like me, my inner soul is not quite perfect because of it...

Celia xx

Andrea, welcome.

I hid who I was for over 50 years and the inward torment I endured was both harmful to my self and also selfish in not being able to be who I was to my family and friends and the world in general.

You are welcome here and among friends.

I am taking a little lunch break, but before I did I wanted to add some thoughts for the days progress and feelings.

First — thanks for the feedback. It is greatly appreciated.

Touching on what I wrote in the opening — I have been able to stay away from the chatrooms and "adult" sites for about 10 days now. That may not seem like much, but for me — for someone who feels like it is an addiction — it is a positive step.

The only negative I am still feeling as a struggle is my procrastination — I am still not advancing work the way I would like. This is important on several fronts, but not just the obvious ones like making sure work is done so clients are happy or I am getting paid. It connects to every aspect of life. I suspect even my gender side of things.

Many times I have been willing to lay the blame of my failure to accomplish my goals at the feet of "Andrea."

"If only this side of me didn't exist," I was often say in my head. "She is the one taking the time away from my ability to succeed in life..."

Of course not only is this not true, but I am starting to wonder as I detox from the chatroom experience and try to refocus my energy on a real world experience, I am sensing that by accepting more of this as the more complete version of self, the taboo of it is taken away. The anxiousness is removed (easily enough since being out as a woman is not part of it — yet). The seeking out acceptance from others in chat to validate the female self does not feel necessary. Im the only one I should need to validate myself! To claim self in its entirety.

Yesterday, was an okay day. I got some work advanced, but when the day came to an end I knew I could have been so much more effective. Interestingly, I had told myself in the morning — don't dress. stay focused on work.

This morning, I have felt much more energized and productive. I started off with the idea I should dress, but stopped myself — but it was different this time. It was more along the lines of "I don't feel like it; so why force it?" Then I sat down, cleared a few small details, and then, got up, and got dressed anyway. And as I did, I asked myself — checked to be sure. It was something I wanted to do and it felt right. I sat back down — no temptations to go to anything tawdry or illicit. I just worked.

Interesting — that the work got advanced more today already as "Andrea" then yesterday as "Andy." Makes me wonder if embracing what I believe is a more true self not only will complete me, but make me a better person on many fronts — including productivity.

Hi Andrea,

Well, nice to hear at you are getting stuff done! Oh, procrastination.... yes, I am just as guilty, I do believe most people at least feel that they are, for the true 'pro' procrastinator is very apt at doing very little! But, time is quite difficult to manage and people should realise that. Rest is important too.

So it is that there is the book that I am writing that I go to, then leave for weeks, coz I've got my golf, my never ending quest to conquer competence in dressmaking, my badminton, my elderly Mother to visit, friends that want to keep doing stuff, my housework and the biggest sucker upper of my time.... work!!!! Jaded, jaded, jaded, just finished my last nightshift for a few days and simply must sleep soon.... (having brekky), but cannot sleep for long, then up and away to Aylesbury at 1.30!!! Just a couple of hours slep! But I will make up for it tonight.

There I go, talking about myself again!!! Anyway, I hope you can keep it up and get into a rhythm of 'get up and go!!!

Celia xx

I can relate to your struggle dear (the chatrooms).

For me, it's forums, places that I 'think' are doing something for me, when they are not.

I not so far back, went back to a military-themed forum under the notion I could discuss models and war games. The truth though was the forum was 90% or more essentially military politics, or outright just plain politics. And the problem being, the slant of the predominant political leaning of the members.
That, and I was the only evident female there, in an environment that was mainly older men.

So I removed myself from the place before something epic ugly resulted.

The harsh truth (for me), is I'm either needing to be on a site like here, that is blatantly transgender, or the site has to be a producer of a product I enjoy purchasing routinely such as wargames (I am on one such forum).

It's just plain not easy to be on forums, and transgender, and open about it.
And being on a forum, and not known to be female let alone transgender, just means I'm going to encounter the unpleasant because no one will be holding anything back.

We are told to avoid toxic people. But there are also toxic places.

@celia — for sure procrastination is an issue for most — but it sounds like you are accomplishing several tasks and goals. You are not in a chatroom endlessly for 4-5 hours a day, or just watching television or reading at the expense of deadlined assignments. That is where I have been for years. Somehow, I have managed to do just enough to make a living. But I could be so much more. And I feel that is what I am trying for. A better version of me! In all ways

@Lesley — I think it is natural to gravitate towards forums, groups, people, friends who are like minded. I don't believe that to be a problem — unless it prevents you from accomplishing goals. As I stated in my case — when I am failing at completing the tasks before me in a timely manner because I am spending 4-5 hours in a chatroom, or social media, or... even a porn site... that is a problem. A big one.

I am trying very hard, and over the last 10 days now succeeding — at staying away from chatrooms and anything porn related. Productivity has increased — and not just work. Other small tasks that are in my life are starting to get advanced. So it is not just about work. It can be as simple as having time to spend 30 minutes reading a book — something I have never been able to do because over the weekends I would have to try and catch up on work I didn't get done during the week.

Im so appreciative of everyones feedback. Thank you so much!

Yeah, I have tended to lose myself in the online realm too often in the past thanks to being lonely and feeling 'connected'.

It's a lie, though. But one that's hard to accept is a lie.
It's quite the narcotic indeed.

And I get more productive away from the internet.

I had a little time over the past weekend back in that fog of chatroom BS. UGH. I was happy to re-visit with a few people but it quickly devolved into a fog of highly sexualized shit! When I emerged from it, I did something a little different — I didn't beat myself up. Im still not being hard on myself. I am trying to figure out why I seem to feel like "I need to go there." I do not believe that is the "real me." I am so much more then that.

I have often said Andrea has never had a bad day — and in that universe how can she? Part of this has to be reminding myself — that universe is not real.

It is like the film Star Trek Generations — and getting into the Nexus. (Im hoping readers get the reference). Being in that space where everything is wonderful, and right with the world. Like you are living all of the best moments, memories and joys. Where you cannot be hurt. But its all fake... all repetitive. And when you come out of that "nexus" — you are left seeing the real world is something you do not recognize, recall or can interact with. You think — it can never give you the same joy as being inside of that "nexus."

But I feel my female side os a very big part of the complete me. And I need to have that healthy outlet. There is a local group that meets once-a-month, but I don't think that is enough. So I remain contemplating the needs and how to fit them into real life and creating the complete self.

Speaking only from my own experiences ...

The once a month probably won't be enough and hopefully its a good group (the nearest one for me is having leadership/direction issues and the ladies that pass are cliquish)

Be prepared for your needs to shift (sometimes quite unexpectedly!) and line up contingency plans.