The dual life

Is anyone successfully living "the dual life"?

I can't risk coming out at work.

We have some girls here sort of doing that thing.

I'm not one of those.

I'm fully out, entirely out, completely out. I've appeared in newspaper articles.
I actually spent the today educating a batch of nice United Church members at a Lunch and Learn gathering in town.

It was quite pleasant.

Hmmmmm, I guess I sorta have a double life. I dont work so thats not an issue. But my neighbors have not been told about me. Thing is that is a bit ridiculous...as I pass everywhere I go, strangers adress me as female
I learned early on that "coming out" wasnt for me. My family has known for over two years and they all know me as female, even though some of the assholes have trouble with it... the same ones I choose to ignore. But my 3 neighbors still wave and say hi to my old name...I think some people just have blinders on. In their defense I do play a guitar fairly loud, so maybe they just see a hair band member. Thing is I have no interest in having an official "outing" convo with them. If they ever should ask, Ill tell...but I dont tell anymore. I dont call myself trans because I dont see myself that way... I dont feel it must define me. I mean CIS people dont go round saying Hi Im a cisgender person... Ive never heard of anyone saying oh by the way I have to tell you Im a boy (or girl) So why do I have to say anything. Ive had a friend now for 9 months that I just told her 2 weeks ago. I only told her because I did not want a secret, but she said told me she didnt know and the look on her face confirmed that. She was surprised. Honestly, I was surprised... I think she is a keeper. Even after telling her she doesnt slip up, she actually seems perplexed when i make any mention of my past. Thats one of the best feelings

I have not changed my legal name, I go back and forth on wether I want to. Its expensive and complicated and I dont have the money. Its not a big deal to me. Im going to have to eventually as I can tell it confuses some. When I voted last year the women looked a bit bewildered...yet she let me vote anyway.

I mirror your sentiment in a lot of ways Hello.

Oh by the way, I'm calling you HiM until you give me something better Sounds ironically comical actually considering it should be HeR

I think I am more or less so out, I can't really undo the outing, but, I do prefer to see myself as 'just female' for the reasons you mentioned. We don't expect it of the cis like you said.

My being transgender, is really only important to a medical professional "Oh, that explains it" when examining me.

My fiance got a funny affirmation last night. She was walking over to a friend's and it sounds like a man wanted to pick her up She tends to dress provocatively. I told her, "see, you look plenty female to the loser old men in town honey"

OMG! That never even crossed my mind... I was listening to the radio and Todd Rundgrens hello its me was playing... I struggle with forum names and it was too easy. However, those that have called me him... usually get on my shit list. as Im sure you can understand

I came out in stages. Because I work from home I had more leeway. I will say once I finally had a Endo who would prescribe me full dose HRT and t finally felt some of my depression and anxiety fade I started to present full time. And take other actions to further my transition which I found it harder and harder to go back and forth.

Supreme_Pizza wrote:I can't risk coming out at work.

From my time in Navy (1965) to my forced retirement (2012) I lived my life as Michael. I stuffed Michaela way back in the closet, only admitting to crossdressing to my Wife before we married in 1975.

Other than my family (Wife, Children, brother and sisters) I have only told two others from my previous life. I want to protect my good reputation as Michael in an industry that takes testosterone shots to be manly. Real estate development is not an industry conducive to anyone not without a penis.

So, do I live a double life - no. I am no longer Michael and live my life as Michaela as best I can. I do respect my Wife's wishes to not 'flaunt' Michaela, but I am who I am.

I do.

Locally,I live full time as Liz. Neighbors, church folk, anyone involved in advocacy - health, political, etc only know Liz. My kids, my grandkids, my daughter's inlaws (not that I give a rats ass there), know Liz.

Work - I work remotely in the federal space. Given the bat shit crazy asshats in control of the federal gov, I've elected to keep my prior persona front and center for work. But then anyone I work with only knows me by deadname, emails, etc, no agony there. Especially because I'm staring retirement in the face in the next 24 months or so.

My birth family, only my sister knows as far as I know. I really only care about my mom - 83 years old, survivor of 3 different types of cancer, widowed, still independent and living on her own. She's carried a horrific load of my father's alcoholism and death from lung cancer, my youngest brother's substance abuse and mental illness, and my other brother's challenges with MS. She doesn't need to worry about me and she would. I don't fear that she'd reject me, she's been a stanch supporter of my lesbian niece and it was from her and her mother that I learned the meaning of being non-judgemental. She just doesn't need that additional load at this point in her life. Given that she lives 800 miles away and I see her at the most 2 times a year, I can be her eldest son when I'm with her. Same with my bother with MS.

My paternal extended family? Screw 'em. Some would be wildly supportive, some would be supportive but perplexed - not something they've encountered much in my home town, and a few, who are to the right of tea party thought would just crap in their pants. As I am the eldest of the eldest son in that family, I've inherited a bit of my dad's authority. They wouldn't know what to do. It's only because of my Mom and brother that Liz won't show up at next summer's family reunion and force them to put up or shut up.

All in all, though it took a lot of work to get here, I'm good with the situation.

~ Liz

I don't think you can successfully live the dual life indefinitely. I tried hard and have made an effort to do so recently. My wife knows, actually she worked it out when I tried to pass it off as crossdressing. She wasn't fooled and worked it out. But she doesn't like it and I don't blame her so it's basically not to be mentioned. However, while she really wants a man quite rightly she does appreciate that she can relate to me in a way that most husbands could never. This she appreciates I think although she can never really express it. How many men would put up with no sex for years? Give up their job to stay at home and be a housewife? How man men could you trust to have female friends he meets up with regularly without for one minute there being any chance of an affair. They don't know by the way and if they suspect they haven't said anything about this man who relates to them like another woman yet is supposed to be heterosexual male. Maybe they're polite.

So I've a slightly odd dual life. So I remain male because I have no choice right now. But that doesn't mean I have to act male. I stopped that a while ago. Stopped trying to act out the male role. I let myself cry and the rest.


But occasionally I have to let it all out. I dress up and go out. Sometimes I'd like to meet up with someone actually presenting as a woman. I had hoped my women friends might be the way forward but as I'm afraid to tell them in part because of my loyalty to my wife and partly the fear of rejection.

In reality this dual life is intensely lonely. My female reality, despite everything is largely internal and hidden. I really don't have anyone who knows Marie. I did at one stage but long since lost touch.

I told one of my sisters and she was supportive but lives too far away to be any real help. But I'm hopeful one day I can fully explain it to her.


There is I think a support group locally but practically I can't really attend.


It's a pretty isolated life despite being surrounded by friendly people. Not a unique experience among transgender people I think.

I have the dual life but the mental/emotional switching can be very draining (for me); I've been working on eliminating it; my immediate co-worker knows and is okay with it so I have some freedom to be more be feminine (which helps alot I think) every day even if I am still 'male' to anyone else in the shop who stops in.  Time outside of work I still consider where I am going as to if I try to present as male or female.