Oops I think I lost something... I

Sorry I have not been here all that much. Life has had me a bit stressed and busy. I have if my memory serves me joked about my bottom surgery making me a "virgin" again. I have struggled for what feels like forever since I was allowed to get pleasure from my new "post op" parts and really to even want to as well. The general response from not just other transwomen but many other women in my life has been "welcome to the club". That sympathy is so damn depressing. But also as you all might be aware. I came out as a lesbian and have been dating as such since late June. I wasn't intending this, but I didn't stay single very long.  I have been dating the same woman since July 5.  It's been a bit surreal, this is literally the first time I have truly dated someone who I didn't know beforehand. It's the first time I have felt so connected and present in intimacy and actually sexy and wanting. In my prior intimate relationships I hid and managed my dysphoria by only giving. And though Liam was wonderful and occasionally gave back it wasn't and could never be healthy because of what was being hidden under the surface between us. In the end I have begun to realize that I have been laboring under some bad assumptions.  Like what a orgasm will even feel like post op.  It's that realization that no matter how much Spiro I took that how my body is reacting to the hormonal changes post op. Is very different... Like I would swear that visual appearance of my pores everywhere is shifting finally and I have to be far more consistent with my skin care and struggle far more with ingrown hairs. And with so much change between partners and myself I have realized that even how I experience pleasure has changed.  It was a realization that I found when Christy decided escalate things in response to my friskiness one evening. Hahaha..  here I am after a puddle feeling that almost drunken glow with no huge single moment to say that was my orgasm. And I realized that seeking "the big one" might be still on my goals list but this is also one too and that to not embrace it that way creates unhealthy anxiety and actually makes it harder to be present and enjoy oneself.  

It is interesting being a late blooming transwoman who has only been intimate with AFAB people. My ex was aggressive, not big on foreplay, straight, and very focused on "the penis" and never wanted top. Liam was all over emotional and physical foreplay but passive most of the time and seemed perfectly happy with me in a not terribly functional state pre-op and didn't really started pulling away farther I transitioned. Christy is adorably cautious but also passionate and quite the switch. I don't think I can ever look at two women dancing close with legs intertwined the same again.  It's strange to me desiring to be sexy, to be chased and to fully submit to another and still be fully engaged and able to flip when whenever it feels right.  That freedom I could never have as a man or with a man cis or trans. Not because it couldn't be done but because I couldn't be me and let go of my need for control.  It's a hard thing to realize that my life has made me unable to trust men so deeply. Even in pain, and so very tired recovering from surgery I had trouble accepting help from even Liam.

Christy on the other hand has hid her bisexual nature most of her life. And didn't feel free to express it fully until she came to terms with the shame pushed into her by her very religious upbringing.  I am the first woman she has been intimate with. And it's interesting to see this girl who at first described herself as mostly submissive gradually shift.  It's interesting to see and feel as we react to each other. Sometimes transition is more than surgeries and hormones....

Congratulations it is nice to hear that you are doing better and are happy.

Very interesting Carolyn, thank you for sharing your journey with us. It seems you are moving forward with your transition. It doesn't just stop with surgery does it? The mind I suppose has to adjust not just the body.

Reading your words got me thinking. I share some of your experiences and thinking. I often wonder if I was to transition would my sexuality change or stay the same under the influence of hormones or lack of a certain hormone. I've always considered myself bisexual but of late I find myself leaning more towards men. Yet I wonder if I was to transition would I be Lesbian. I almost feel that my current relationship with my wife which is good but non sexual is almost that of two women sharing a house. I could not be considered a typical man or husband.

Thinking back when me and the wife were intimate. I was never really sure if enjoyed as much as I should. I am by nature submissive and while I made sure she enjoyed herself I never really finished off. Perhaps my sexual attraction was driven more by testosterone than my sexuality. It was nice but a I was kinding of going through the motions. With men I had more success because I didn't need to be seen taking control. They of course focussed on 'the penis' too. Which of course isn't exactly what I wanted from them. But I could be myself with them as long as I was presenting as a woman.


But if I was to transition, would I want to be with a man or a woman? Sharing my life with another woman is very appealing to me. But if the right man came along? It is of course a hypothetical question as things aren't likely to change soon. I do in fact share my life with a woman and I have taken on the traditional female role of caring for children and running the household. My only wish is that I could do so as a woman. That will always be lacking.

Best of luck with your continued transition.

Marie, I can't tell you how transition would impact your attractions. Personally I don't think hormones and transition effect who you like as much as change how others and you react to each other. And really you can't truly know until you try.

Right now I feel like a starving person at a banquet in my current relationship. I know this will calm down in time. But it is also different because I am different. And could never have had this without my transition.