Where'd she go?

Lately, I can't find "her." I'm not saying "I feel manly again." it is more like I am without gender. Or, am I? I mean, I like wearing my pretty tops and dresses now and again and feel far more at home with my body having boobs. I'm not "playing with gender." I'm not anything. It's just gone. And I don't think it bothers me. But I care that I don't care. So maybe it does bother me? Does that make any sense?

Does anyone else go through something like this?

In the beginning, I heard a term called 'pink haze' an initial euphoria attached to the sudden rush of hormones, the giddiness of finally being able to enjoy being female, for real so to speak.

Then, it supposedly dies down after a bit, usually a year or so in. The thill is gone after life becomes 'routine'.

Now me, I think I'm too much a princess for it to ever go away but even I have noticed it has diminished, although it is 4 years in for me. I stopped wearing a bra this summer. Yeah, it was fun to wear one initially, to feel that sense of femininity. But my breasts just ain't that demanding, and I finally decided the hassle of a bra wasn't worth it. I do like wearing bikini tops though when it's hot enough.

You might be feeling a sense of cis genderness. Because after walking around for 4 years looking at cisgender females comparatively, they sure as fuck ain't interested in spending much effort to look 'pretty'. They mostly walk around in black black and black clothing. Ugly tops, and equally ugly pants or leggings. Seeing cisgender females dressed as nicely as me 40 and under seems to be an exception.

Maybe it's not that you are not 'seeing' 'her', but rather she's gotten more comfortable being 'her'.

Hi Lesley and Beth!

I think if I remember right that Beth is same as me, entire. So maybe test is making one of many last stands, (T's last stand, singular, is not the reality!), rather than doubts. It is frustrating, but it will pass as I have no doubt you have a female mind.

I maintain my belief that 50% of humans are born with minds of the opposite gender. You know the lucky ones born correctly, the men are alphas and betas, manly to the core. And you know the one's that 'aint too! They carry on playing the role because society pressurises them to do so. They are the quiet, the non-aggressors, the one's that get married and have domineering wives etc. It also includes gay men. Studies have proven that gay men and transgender women have brains that are similar to women. https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/study-says-brains-of-gay/

Then there are the women, the lucky ones, born gendered correctly. Dressed to the nines, make-up splashed on, nails perfect and perfectly feminine they embrace everything feminine. They unfortunately include the alpha bitches, some of which that truly hate us. Then there are the women that I believe have male brains. They just carry on, dull, dowdy, unhappy, but on they plod with the belief that they have to do so, because it's 'how it is'. They usually have big hearts and are thoroughly nice on the whole. And of course, the lesbians, they also have brains that are similar to male brains, but apparently the most defining factor is their olfactory senses are similar to men's.

Then there is us!!!!! The ones true to ourselves. We are brave, we face the truth, we don't accept social conditioning!!! Anyway, it's what I believe, it's another of my superbical theories that is backed with the science!

As for how many women dress, it's largely due to the above, it lowers the bar somewhat for all women, ever since dowdy became cool with all..... if you get what I mean, kinda the norm changes because many dress down? Maybe you do get what I mean? Anyway, so where is the bar these days? The standard? it's way below where it was 50 years ago.... It seems like black, grey and drab drab drab colours are almost the norm and dressing down for everyday stuff is how most women of today want that standard to be.

Well, I have to admit to wearing black tops a lot. It's not just to fit in, (because I do want to), it's what suits me as well. It's strange, bright yellow looks good, yet orange does not suit. Red is a bit of a no-no too and though I like pinks they are not that flattering either. Green is good, but lime green.... yuk! Blues vary, I don't know, sometimes a dark blue can look good and sometimes not, sky blues are also hit and miss. My favourite sneakers are kinda winey to red/mid-reddish brown and are so cool, I love that colour. I have (UK), size 6 feet and they pop out a couple of inches under my slight flares and they look well cute! A nice white is ok, but only like a blouse shirt or a cardigan, white tops are hard to pull off and look way to dressy, with even the slightest amount of jewellery.

Oh I've rambled on off subject again..... best go. got stuff needs doing!

Celia xx

Great post Celia

Kaibeth wrote:Does anyone else go through something like this?

As most of you friends know, I have been in ill health lately. My torso is riddle with surgical scars dating back to 1995. My last surgery kept me hospitalized for 2 months.

With all of the shit going on in my life, I have reluctantly given up on transitioning MtF. BUT, I WILL NEVER GO BACK to being a man. I think I am now the Q in LGB...TQ. I am not sure Q fits but inside I truly feel the T, but just not the F. I will never leave my home again as Miki - because I simply don't feel up to it.

I had a visit with my therapist last week (first time since May) and she made a comment that I don't truly understand at the moment. She said of all of her clients, I was the most resilient.

I saw my surgeon last Monday to remove my feeding tube and while I was asking about the scars on my belly, he remarked that I recovered from the surgery/infection a lot quicker than he thought I would.

I don't feel 'resilient'; I don't feel good about my 'quick recovery'. I feel really, REALLY down and I don't think I will recover from that.

Stay healthy, please.

What is "entire" in this context, Celia? I don't follow, and I think it was important.

Celia meant she hasn't gone through surgery. The term 'entire' from the horse racing game means a horse that hasn't been gelded.  I'm entire too, sadly. 

Anyway my view of what you're feeling is a further confirmation of what the others said. I think you're not feeling like her anymore because you are feeling like you. The average man or woman don't even think about their gender identity. That's left to us. 

One of the biggest hurdles for me to self acceptance was not accepting that I am transgender. That happened long ago. No the problem was that I couldn't accept I am  in fact a woman. I used to say to myself: 'I wish I was a woman'. I may look male but I'm not.  I am simply a woman. 

So maybe you've crossed the line, come out of the pink haze as Lesley says. 

Maybe it's a positive thing.

mariehart1 wrote:
So maybe you've crossed the line, come out of the pink haze as Lesley says. 

And it only took eleven years.

Kaibeth wrote:

mariehart1 wrote:
So maybe you've crossed the line, come out of the pink haze as Lesley says. 

And it only took eleven years.. About the same for me. 

OK apparently the admin has limited the number of quotes. No idea what that means. But it took near enough  for me to essentially assent who I am in the real world 
.

Hi everyone, I think the number of quotes is fixed by the system. I thought it was more than two though?

Celia xx