Starting all over again

I want this to be a long rambling Bunny post, but I'm still recovering I suppose.

I was just 3 days from making possibly a very painful very very expensive mistake.

Now I'm back yet again, alone, talking to my teddy bear. And trying to figure out life.

Do I want to find someone? Why?
Do I want to advocate? Why?
Do I want to just shut up, and enjoy the fact I have a good home in a time when most can't even afford one, and an ability to just sit here in that nice home and casually read, or write, or make things, Lego, models, woodworking whatever.

I've been lucky as transgender people go. I'm probably the most recognized face in my hometown of 22 thousand. If you don't know my face, you just don't live here basically. And people are generally nice to me. Do I pass? get real, everyone knows Bunny is that transgender woman.

I'm post-op, and I SHOULD be thankful my life isn't a never-ending struggle.
Sometimes I feel like a whiny brat for all the complaining I do.

I'm just so lonely when by myself in my apartment.

Lesley

You are grieving and your grief from losing a potential life partner, a love, a future is yours and only yours.

I will not, nor should anyone else try to limit your grief.

My only suggestion is don't give up looking meaning in your life. But do so on your terms.

Hi Lesley,

You know I have always admired you and the way you sweetly live your life and do your own thing. We are soulmates in many things. As Miki said, it may seem as though the world has stopped spinning, keep all things on your own terms! It is good to hear you have resolved yourself to realise that you are free of strife and can carry on doing stuff that you love! There are plenty of fish out there and I am sure you will meet another kind heart such as your own soon enough. Bless you hun!

Celia xx

Yesterday something good happened.
The plan was to stop by son's place and explain my wedding never happened, and my budget nose-dived and I wouldn't be able to offer the monthly 100 bucks now.

Son wasn't home, but the gf was. And we chatted a bunch. Learned some interesting things. I told her I was going by Bunny now. Found out she was pan. Explained to her, her reasoning might mean she's actually demi like me. That intrigued her. Found out the great new position son had at Dominos died when the realized the boss was actually a jerk. They both jumped ship on her, and landed almost immediate new jobs, that are better paying as well. Son is at a local non-chain pizza place at a dollar more than he was making. Gf got work at the preferred LGBT coffee shop in town.

Then the chat got interesting. I finally now know the 'facts' I have long since not known about the why the ex dropped my friendship in 2016. No, there is not going to be a reconnection. But I now have closure, I now know the why. It's all I needed. Now that past is ready to be properly buried. I'm finally free of the past.

I dropped in on the son's new job, asked if he could come by after work. And we talked things out in a better way than had been done previously. And I gave him the low down on what happened with the wedding.

Since I started this thread, I've been examining myself a lot.
It's only been a few days, but those days have mattered.

I should have added this piece to my OP
quote
How does someone find a life partner, that is ok with sharing expenses, and living space, where sharing a bed is just for the practical use of space and involves no intimate element?
unquote

I'm learning about myself, and about what is motivating me.
Did I want to be married, just for the sake of being married?
Was I too blinded by that obsession to see, that D'arcy is dealing with way to many troubling issues to ever be a realistic partner?
I don't want to be alone.
I don't need to be married, to not be alone.
But I want more than a roommate.
But I don't think I want the intimate aspect.
Sex with D'arcy was awesome, but, I can go without sex.
No, I'm not asexual, I'm 57 and lack the desperate need.

But I'm coming to realize I can't escape a variety of truths.
There's a pervasive housing shortage. It's time I woke the hell up to the fact my apartment is damned rare. It's both great and damned cheap.
Passing in town? No, of course, I don't pass. I'm essentially too well known.
So that major issue with transgender women is just something I might as well just forget.
But here's the thing. While D'arcy didn't like being so visible, I LIKE the fact I can't go anywhere in town and people don't know me. I LIKE being greeted with a welcoming comment almost once a block while out around downtown.
I'm coming to grips with the fact, I am known in Lindsay, and I like it. And why would I want to move away from that?

I have been resorting out my apartment this week. It's now all my space again. So I am taking all the crammed into the living room, and putting it back into the storage room, so that I'm not overcrowded in my living space areas.
I have bought some woodworking tools, I am also going to make a portion of the storage room function as an art studio location so my painting isn't always getting in my way in the living room.
I'm trying to come to terms with my being just me again. I'm trying to focus on me.
I'm trying very hard to not give in to the urge to go hunting for someone new.
I'm hoping to succeed in that and not overextend myself again.

Looking back, I am not the same girl I was in 2014, who was still stuck with him in my head.
I am not the girl who was unskilled in clothing makeup and hairstyles.
I am not those early hormonally confused years.
And I am now well passed the surgery time too.
The fear of not being able to reach 'post-op' is gone.
I'm even able to say, I know how to perform in bed, and be considered darned good at it too.
I'm not a desperate novice anymore eager to experience sex.

I'm still a kid in too many ways.
I still need my dad's watchful eye.
But I'm feeling a bit more confident.

I have not yet broken down and mourned the loss of that fairy tale wedding dream.

I am doing my best to try and make 2020, a quiet, calm, slow and unchallenging year.
The only major event I have planned is ride my bike a lot next warm season.
I have not been reading much for too long. I have not done models or anything really, for so long.
Most of 2019 has been my constant uphill climb trying to solve D'arcy's inner demons.
And I completely ran my health into the ground trying.
Now, I am badly depleted.
I need to single-mindedly force myself to slow right down and do a lot less than I have been doing.