don't know who I am

Hi everyone I'm 38 years old who lived the life of a man that everyone wanted me to be never feeling i had any real option i realized that I wasn't normal at 8 and started to wear women's panties and bras without anyone knowing I would dress up when I found a special friend but never could come out to my family or the community I was picked on as a guy and knew if i told everyone i really felt like a woman not a guy it would get worse and my parents wouldn't accept me for me so i just keep quit dated in without any one knowing meet one guy I was ready to come out for and spend my life with but he just saw me as a toy and it hurt so I just lived a life of depression and wanting to die just too much of a coward to do it to my family and now today I  am married with 3 step kids and that's the only thing keeping me alive today I explained to my wife everything she lets me dress up when we are the only ones at home so why we was playing fallguys together while wearing a dress I asked her when I get my hair grown out and wear the proper makeup could I pass as a woman she said no I have too my mainly features it doesn't matter what I do or what I wear and the feeling of not being accepted hit me like a brick wall I'm just tired of being who everyone wants instead of what I want

Hello, sad to hear of your trials.

Be careful about believing you have no chance of appearing like your true self. I sure as hell never expected to look like a woman. It's a common hell, most of us face.

But you likely just need some practice and some confidence.

I won't press you, but if you can offer us a picture, we might have some observations.

I'm in the process of growing out my hair i got my ears priced and am shaving my legs upper chest underarms and will completely shave my face once my hair gets grown out or i can learn to use makeup fully Harmon therapy isn't a option but my wife will let me wear her clothes

thats one i just took if you need more let me know just having someone to talk to helps some

Thanks for offering us something to consider

Going to be blunt here, that's so that you don't think I'm just offering pointless niceties.

You're not a bikini model

I'm not either I have quite the solid torso too.
I'm also bald. Shaved it all off when I realized bald was better than male pattern balding.
So my life is wearing a wig.
Wigs, they can cost next to nothing, or a small fortune. But the wrong one won't look good regardless of what you paid for it.

But considering I wear them, I know them.
You don't need to wait for your real hair to show up.
But the reality is, AMAB persons suffer hair loss.
Which can be halted rather immediately if you are on hormone therapy.
Do NOT take hormones unmonitored by a proper medical professional.
But they might be something that matters to you.

Early on benefits, well your body hair stops being an issue.

You'd be amazed at what the right hairstyle can do to your appearance. It's several times more important to get your hairstyle mastered than it is to understand makeup.
I hardly ever wear makeup.
Most normal women hardly ever wear makeup.
The key to looking 'ordinary' is to avoid trying too hard.
Look around your region. What do women normally wear? How much makeup?
If you suddenly look disproportionately better than the average woman, that too is something that will draw attention.
Be careful when to wear a dress, when to wear a skirt, when to wear accessories, when to use lipstick.
If the routine appearance is dull drab colours, and dull casual attire, then looking like a knockout draws a lot of attention.

You appear to have a strong solid face, but it also looks like your complexion is good.
You want a hairstyle that helps to narrow your facial shape.

Look at the image in my avatar dear, I'm quite bald. But it took me a while to find my own personal look.
I have a quite substantial neck size. I have a weightlifter back and neck. I'm 5'7" and while not tall, I am very 'big' looking. But I casually go out in a short skirt and a bikini top mainly because I radiate comfort in myself.

Some hairstyles will like you and some will hate you. Sometimes it's the outfit. Sometimes it's whether or not you are smiling. But one thing you won't have is a body that is impossible.

You only need some confidence, some practice, and the chance to find yourself. It took me a while, and it has taken every transgender girl I have ever known some effort for them too.
Even the ones with killer good-looking bodies have trouble believing in themselves in the beginning.

thank you for all of your advice a wig is something I been considering i love taking my pictures when i get dressed up hate it when I'm dress normally I always hated my body and always felt I was meant to be a woman I wish I had something like this when I was younger i would of most likely went a different path if I did thank you for hearing me out

OK second attempt. Lost everything I posted earlier. Wigs, Amazon lots available at decent prices. Buy several. I remember paying silly money for wigs before Amazon. You can even get natural hair if you wish. You are lucky because your wife is onboard. Don't depend on that.

Listen to Lesley, all her advice is good. She knows where she's at. She'll forgive me if I say say she's forthright and sometimes over the top. But when she's right she's right.

She's been there and done that. She absolutely knows what she's talking about.

Stop hating your body. But you know hating your body is a female thing. My wife hates her body as do several of her sisters and friends because ' shock horror' they're not perfect. I have several women friends who insist they're unattractive.. When I came out to one of my sisters I drresed for her. She commented on my small arse because all my sisters have big bottoms and wide hips. That's my ideal but she wanted what I have. It took me a while to realise that.

Anyway, accept you are a woman. Not that you wish you are a woman or you wish to be a a woman. You simply are a woman.

In a sense you put up that photo to make us agree with your wife. It's unflattering. But you need to change your mindset. Look in the mirror and see the woman you are with all it's flaws.

Tommgirl, Lesley and Marie are absolutely right on all counts.

When I first started, I had a lot of doubts about how I looked and if I could do this.

But, then I slowly stopped worrying about it and focused on learning to love myself for who I am and not hating myself for what I was. I still have my dysphoric moments, but as I keep going about my life this way I somehow keep managing to do it.

As a matter of fact, just the other day I took my Fiancee's Mother to get her her first COVID shot and all the staff where we went thought I was her daughter. Considering they were all trained medical personel, I took that as the ultimate compliment as to how far I've come on my journey.

I will admit I still have a long way to go, but it's the small moments that help me so much with personal validation.

And in the end, I think most of what a lot of us need, or crave, is some kind of validation.