My wife joined an anti-trans Facebook support group.

Supposedly, it's a secret group.  I knew that she was going to join (in fact, I helped her friend the POC of the group, because she asked for my help.)  She's using her phone to post -- saw one, which said that I (that is, me) "want to be a second mom" and that she is going through a "nightmare".

Not sure how to respond.

I was married 27 years, likely should have ended at 17. My fault though.
It lingered until 27.
The separation was a formality, as she had to wait a year to divorce.
But she was MY friend even if not his.
Yes, that sounded weird.

But the point is, she never had a problem with me the transgender woman inside her ex-husband.

She managed to demonstrate that clearly enough. So I have trouble relating to marriages that fall apart as a result of the spouse being transgender. I have no frame of reference.

The fact she is in a 'Secret' formatted Facebook Group tends to be a sizable red flag regardless of whether you know of it's existence. If she thinks of her situation as a 'nightmare' then she's made her position clear.

I have some friends that have tried to support the notion their spouse is ok with their transition, but, in some cases, we are simply trying to see what we want to see. You may well be 'married' in an official capacity only at this time.

Sometimes, when it's over, it is really over.

Yeah, she's talking to one of her boyfriends from 25 years ago, and then crying (literally) to me, because he "dumped" her.  But, she doesn't have a job, and I still love her.  Plus, we have 5 kids, 2 of which are adult children.  Still, I think that she'll remain with me, because I don't think that she wants to work, never has, in fact.  If we get divorced, though, (she against me), I am never getting married again, at least as a biological man!

My first two children (both adults now) used to call me "Moddy"; irritated my mother-in-law, which I still take some joy in!

Dawn

Ahh, hmm she sounds like my ex in some ways.

The only reason I can think of for my ex sticking around from 2001 to 2013 was her inability to adequately support herself and our son was not yet adult age. She couldn't have been doing it for my old previous self.

And I think the reason she dumped ME (we were friends after the separation) was when I asked our son to call me mom as well. Turns out she was psychologically incapable of sharing that label.

We both went from living in a much nicer place, and having sufficient spending money to be more than happy, to being most assuredly living most definitely pinching every penny in separate lives.

She didn't gain anything meaningful divorcing.
She hasn't made any apparent effort to find anyone.
Myself, well, I've done everything possible to find a husband.
The ex isn't remotely lesbian, nor am I, so the marriage would have just been a matter of convenience of course.

It was likely doomed. My chances of finding Mr. Right were probably even less having a technically official 'wife' on paper hehe.

I suppose it doesn't truly matter what she does or why she does it if you at least benefit from it in some useful fashion.
But it does appear like she's really just 'there'.

In my case, well, the way my ex dumped MY friendship, has ensured that on the day she dies, if I'm still breathing, I will only attend the funeral to comfort my son. I don't hate her or even dislike her. But she's now no more than any stranger on the street to me.

End that farce while you still can.

Papillon wrote:End that farce while you still can.

Well, as I said, she has no job, is 45, and has nowhere to go, and, I still very much love and care for her.  Plus, we have 5 kiddos, including, a non-verbal, non-toilet trained 13-year old disabled son.

Still, life is difficult, and she loves to spend money, which resulted in a 800+ credit rating 20 years ago going to a Chapter 7 bankruptcy 6 years later, with another bankruptcy and foreclosure on my home (which, I was able to prevent the sheriff's sale via the bankruptcy).

It has been a "through better and worse" (especially, the latter) marriage.

It is noble that you care.

It is a measure of your character that you honour your words said at the ceremony.

It is a measure of your worth as a parent that you place them above yourself.

You are likely a better person than me.

Jehanne wrote:Supposedly, it's a secret group.  I knew that she was going to join (in fact, I helped her friend the POC of the group, because she asked for my help.)  She's using her phone to post -- saw one, which said that I (that is, me) "want to be a second mom" and that she is going through a "nightmare".

humans like her are a nightmare.

Papillon wrote:End that farce while you still can.

Find her a rich man to leech off of then dump her as fast as humanly possible, try to see if you can get the kids to stay with you in your name.

Lesley Niyori wrote:You are likely a better person than me.

No, I'm not; everyone's circumstances are completely unique.

Angelic wrote:Find her a rich man to leech off of then dump her as fast as humanly possible, try to see if you can get the kids to stay with you in your name.

I hope she does and would not cry too much if she did.

But, she weighs 260 lbs (me, 180), down from 350, and so other than her former boyfriend, I don't know what she'll do. And, he did invite her to move in with him 1,000 miles away from us, and he already made it clear that if she comes out that he has some "expectations". That was, of course, before their "breakup".

That just sucks. Needing to talk is one thing but joining a hate group?

I know, like, what is there to hate?  I have told my wife, repeatedly, that I cannot be a manikin, with a painted smile on my face.  I would rather die as who I am than live a life of whom I am not.  I just want my obituary to remember me as "Dawn".

We have already agreed that I am going to remain "intact", and as she has always been in the "driver's seat" (so to speak), nothing has changed all that much, except for more hair in certain areas, less in others, plus my long nails.  And, I don't wear skirts around her, and so, I am not sure what the "big deal" is what that, either!  But, a lot strangers at work seem to think that it is a big deal, but then again, these same people, if I died, would either not come to my funeral, or come grudgingly, and so, what I should I try to "please" them??

I know someone, twin spirit, they remained anatomically male to support their wife's need for sex in the marriage.

The wife though had a gambling problem. Which eventually led to them going their own ways.

So now my twin spirit friend is living as single, and is in a position to do whatever suits them.

But, life is finite. Here I am at 56. I medically transitioned last year at 55.

I seem to appear 36. I've long since accepted that it's genuine and not just friendly exaggeration. Some will offer friendly flattery, but not everyone, and usually not strangers.
But the truth is, of course, I'm 56, and with all that goes with having a 56-year-old body.

Because if it was genuinely 36, and 3-5 years from now they perfect the means to transplant a womb into a transgender female, well, my 36 looking body that is really 56, won't be lining up to host a baby.

And the list goes on from there.
And the point being, eventually your reasons for transitioning will be impacted by your age-based limitings realities.

I'm reasonably sure my dating chances are being affected by my actual age.

So if you are in your 20s and past the post-secondary years, and in a marriage/relationship, that's as doomed as doomed gets, my advice is, get your ass out of it regardless of what doing so does to your work/social life/family circumstances. Because your clock is ticking, and it will continue to tick. And you are wasting your lifespan in the wrong body.

And I would say as much for those in the 30s and 40s. Because you don't want to be in your 50s like me, and trying to master being a 13-year-old while wondering if you should be called granny or grandpa.

My 27-year marriage ended. I don't hate the woman. But she won't even speak to me here in 2018. The day will come when she will be pushing up daisies and I'm sure my son will be upset. And if I'm still around, I'll attend for him. I am uncertain she would attend mine though if the situation was reversed.

And I would sure not be avoiding transition and being my real self for any person like that.

In a marriage, they either love you entirely for real, or you are wasting your life with them.

Thanks, Lesley.  "I'm 50," by the way:

Jehanne wrote:

Papillon wrote:End that farce while you still can.

Well, as I said, she has no job, is 45, and has nowhere to go, and, I still very much love and care for her.  Plus, we have 5 kiddos, including, a non-verbal, non-toilet trained 13-year old disabled son.

Still, life is difficult, and she loves to spend money, which resulted in a 800+ credit rating 20 years ago going to a Chapter 7 bankruptcy 6 years later, with another bankruptcy and foreclosure on my home (which, I was able to prevent the sheriff's sale via the bankruptcy).

It has been a "through better and worse" (especially, the latter) marriage.

She's nothing to hold on to. Total dead beat. I know you love her. Just run, or walk, but leave. She is using you. That isn't love. It's a one way relationship. I'm leaving a similar situation. She doesn't want to be with you and is trapped. Cut her lose and send her a check big enough to make you feel good about doing the right thing.

If you're not sure, separate for 90 days. She is toxic. You need to get away from her. For her sake and yours. Stop letting everyone else project their problems onto you. She's a deadbeat, not your problem, she has a spending problem, again not your problem.

As important as we all are we aren't so important that we can't leave a bad situation. The people you love will be fine. You can always visit.

Supreme_Pizza wrote:

Jehanne wrote:

Papillon wrote:End that farce while you still can.

Well, as I said, she has no job, is 45, and has nowhere to go, and, I still very much love and care for her.  Plus, we have 5 kiddos, including, a non-verbal, non-toilet trained 13-year old disabled son.

Still, life is difficult, and she loves to spend money, which resulted in a 800+ credit rating 20 years ago going to a Chapter 7 bankruptcy 6 years later, with another bankruptcy and foreclosure on my home (which, I was able to prevent the sheriff's sale via the bankruptcy).

It has been a "through better and worse" (especially, the latter) marriage.

She's nothing to hold on to. Total dead beat. I know you love her. Just run, or walk, but leave. She is using you. That isn't love. It's a one way relationship. I'm leaving a similar situation. She doesn't want to be with you and is trapped. Cut her lose and send her a check big enough to make you feel good about doing the right thing.

If you're not sure, separate for 90 days. She is toxic. You need to get away from her. For her sake and yours. Stop letting everyone else project their problems onto you. She's a deadbeat, not your problem, she has a spending problem, again not your problem.

As important as we all are we aren't so important that we can't leave a bad situation. The people you love will be fine. You can always visit.

We're practically separated as is; we don't even have sex any more. It breaks my heart, but, I tried to have my cake and eat it, too. Beats living a lie, though; I have never been more happier!!