Glastonbury

Just  watching  Glastonbury  on the beeb. Pet shop boys  on now. Makes me wish I  was gay instead of trans. I loved the Pet Shop Boys and Frankie goes to Hollywood and Bronski beat. Mark Almond, Boy George.

I tried to  be gay for awhile. But  you can't  be gay in your own bedroom. You can't  be gay when you're not gay despite being attracted to men but you don't feel like a man and you  don't go out anyway. Meanwhile you're pursuing a quixotic career ambition to try and fit in. Living in a world  where  being trans is exotic and out there. So you can't be trans. Feeling you're a woman but you  can't  be because you're obviously male.

Quite  difficult really.

It  would be so  much  easier to be gay and a million times easier to be straight.

I tried to  be gay. My second ever sexual  encounter was  strictly gay. Well on his part. Later I  met a nurse, he was so straight, so to speak. When Marie was introduced he couldn't  cope. It was something I  regret but I  suppose to  be  fair to the man. He was a guy, he wasn't  looking for  a woman. He commented that I  was too much like a woman. A kind of compliment.

But even then I  simply couldn't accept myself. I  was something but I  wasn't  transgender. Yet  I  pursued various sexual encounters. None of  which I  enjoyed very much.  They were  just experiences.  There weren't  many  by the way, fingers of one hand. I  was of course looking for that elusive man who would  accept me as a woman. Even though I  barely accepted myself.

While I  now accept  myself as just  a woman. I  look back and wonder  at my confusion.

But different times.

Later it was  in part the original  transgender boards and a general  liberalisation in Ireland and indeed IBM where I  worked where everyone apparently assumed I  was gay based on my rather effeminate behaviour, even my straight  friends. I was not  out in my own mind.  But I  was the only one.

When I  came out finally to friends, their only surprise was the trans bit.

They never stopped  being  friends. James my uber macho straight male friend took the   piss out of  me but we never  lost the closeness we developed because  I  was the wise person  he looked to when we worked together.

Julie, my sweetheart, a strong  woman growing up in a tough neighbourhood. She told me of seeing  people jump  from the  flats. She  had a hell of a  time  with her  men. We became  close in IBM. She stood out, outgoing sexy lovely. She'd  wear a dress  in work. At Christmas  she'd  wear antlers. We clicked.
She's partially English but Irish too.We made friends. We  hung  out  together, but me being me wouldn't see it   as anything but  friends.

Anyway  one day Julie asked  me to come  with her in the car at lunchtime for some  errand. She cornerd me.

I  told her. She was surprised. Well wouldn't you  be? She thought  gay.

She completely  accepted it. Which is  why  I  adore  her.

Last year she came to  town with  her teenage  daughters.  We had dinner  and caught up. Her second  husband  let her down. I don't  honestly  think  there's  a man who deserves her.

Anyway  she's  coming to visit in August. I cannot  wait. We always  have such fun.

Which isn't to diss my wife who honestly I adore. She isn't difficult. We just had a nice little holiday.

Anyway enough  self indulgent nonsense.

My wife D'arcy can relate.

She thought she was gay, until you realized she wasn't a man. So being female, made her interested in men. Until men managed to disappoint her due to them usually being closeted gays.

She doesn't hate men, but she isn't into women. But she likes transgender women. Because they often have dicks. So it's complicated for her

Fortunately she has me, a transgender woman with a vagina

Yeah, it would be easier if we had just been gay.