rage, bubblin and boilin

I am not angry right now. But this whole morning I couldn't concentrate all I could do was rage.

Do you know why I rage? Because every woman I have feelings for it feels like she doesn't have feelings for me. It just feels cold like noone wants me and noone loves me. So I started watching some redpill videos this morning. And it made me think about hypergamy. Hypergamy is the idea that women do not love men and cannot love men, and only love men for utility, they do not love the essence of men. What this means is, she will not love you for you, but only for how entertaining you are or how rich you are.

I could not shake these thoughts from my head. I wanted to believe that there was one woman who would love me for me. One woman who was not Julius Caeser judging me and scoping me out as a gladiator. I wanted to believe that one woman would love me, and not just see me as a knight to be tested and used, for my utility. I wanted one woman who actually cared about my wants and needs, and saw me as a human not an object.

But redpill destroyed all that. It said to me, no woman will ever love me, only lust for me. And that even if she lusted for me, she would make it hard, a struggle, and a road of thorns. My spirit was broken upon immediately reading this. I felt lost and confused, that this world I did not want to be a part of. That this world was too awful to believe, that I was not of this world, but of the year 3000, which is the year of Love.


And I thought about the struggle. About how Adam and Eve was cursed from the Garden and how God said adam was cursed for the rest of his days to work in the fields, and that women would always be at enmity with him. And I said this is what I am cursed to believe.


And then I thought about my transition. How worthless I am. That noone loves me noone wants me. And then I said, "How can I want to be a woman, if they are so cold and devoid of empathy?" But then I snapped myself out of it. I said if I am to be a man, a man makes his own path, and I want to be a woman, and I am not going to let guilt tell me I can't be a woman, denying myself the ability to be beautiful, would oppress me and be even more unfair. I kept reading. I read and realized my brain is more female than male. That I have some evil and selfish tendencies, but am not fully evil like some of these women. But still my heart was struck and I was gunned down by the redpills of normandy.

The rage started to boil. I said noone will love me unless I am rich. I said it is not fair to be treated this way. And then I realized I had it unfair compared to other guys. I said other guys are cool with being unloved and feel it makes them better men to struggle. And this is when I started to turn into an angry female, the deeper enraged the more female I felt, I felt like I was a female cursed into the wrong body, cursed to do the male struggle, and it was a grave injustice of the universe. And I wanted to scream, I wanted someone to love me, but I knew noone would here, I started to feel psychotic and feral, like I was Mother Nature trapped in a prison made of vines, in the jungle all alone on an empty planet, I was going mad, wanting to scream, like I was trapped inside a mirror and could not escape back into the real world.

I want to make art to show my struggle and pain. I am sick of the Super hero bs that they play in movies. There is no real art anymore and art is about struggle and pain.

Also, the voices in my head tell me that if I do certain things, in certain ways, for example, punctuate my sentences in certain ways, it will do the witchcraft and someone will love me, but I am still waiting and it feels like noone really loves me. And the voices tell me that so and so will love me, and I wait for a year or more, and they still do not love me, and it feels desperate like no matter how many years I wait, I never get anything good out of it. And that all my good years have been robbed from me by time, and that everyone else got to have those happy years which I will never get to have, and that I only see more miserable years in the future.

Can't really relate.

After hormones women lost their capacity to interest me in any fashion. I was all about wanting GRS so badly so I could get fucked by a man.

Now I have the vagina, and no man wanting to use it. Oh well.

But inasmuch as rage is concerned. Oh, I sooooo love that time of the month (where do you want this truckload of sarcasm eh). Once a month my mind just goes randomly nuts. No menstrual flow, but I sure experience the mental aspects of a period. I can go from crying to laughing to dangerously homicidal (vs men of course), all within 20-30 minutes. And this happens for about a week most months.

Lesley Niyori wrote:Can't really relate.

After hormones women lost their capacity to interest me in any fashion. I was all about wanting GRS so badly so I could get fucked by a man.

Now I have the vagina, and no man wanting to use it. Oh well.

But inasmuch as rage is concerned. Oh, I sooooo love that time of the month (where do you want this truckload of sarcasm eh). Once a month my mind just goes randomly nuts. No menstrual flow, but I sure experience the mental aspects of a period. I can go from crying to laughing to dangerously homicidal (vs men of course), all within 20-30 minutes. And this happens for about a week most months.

Same here. You and I would be soulmates, except I don't think you are into girly men like me. Unless you are into Johnny Depp, who is indeed a girlyman.

After hormones women lost their capacity to interest me in any fashion. I was all about wanting GRS so badly so I could get fucked by a man.

Well its just I never felt like a woman ever truly loved me. So its like this obsession to experience something I'm not allowed to experience. If I ever had a decent, healthy relationship with a woman I wouldn't care about it so much.

Now I have the vagina, and no man wanting to use it. Oh well.

I am thinking of a hypothesis, that our subconscious is fighting against us. Like when we try to achieve something we are not usually allowed to have, our subconscious seals us against it even more. And that is why, seemingly you have so much trouble with men, while I have no trouble at all, because I don't give them a high priority in my life and don't really care one way or the other.
It's fucked up but I think our subconscious is fighting against us, for some bizarre reason.


I was always fascinated with this song, most people it goes over their heads and think it's just videogame music and don't really know what it symbolizes. But it really is a profound music if you are a deeper kind of artist, like DuChamp for instance.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F7dXoNUPE74
But for me, whenever I listen to this song, I feel it is about an intense struggle, about one of James Bond's long lost loves, a girl he met on a mission, and fell in love with, and he has a deep longing for her but never got to see her again, and that he is a tormented soul, and that he must do the mission and kill loads of unsuspecting russian gaurds, but that he feels torment from the nihilism of life and that que sera sera, what goes up must come down, life is ultimately going to end anyway and a job must be done, and in the song seems a longing for the innocence of the past, before the days where he had to murder.

At the end of the level it ends with surrealism. Bond jumps off the edge of the dam, but unlike the movie, there is no actual bungie rope, he appears to fall to his doom, in order to complete the mission. The n64 technology HAD the technology to display a bungie rope, but they deliberately ommitted the bungie rope for a surreal artistic experience of falling into your doom, but then completing the next mission and being very much alive, like a Phoenix. The Phoenix motif is also repeated in a later Bond game, Nightfire, although the artist's meaning behind it is obscured. The intro music video of Nightfire appears to be meaningless until you google the full mp3 of the song. It appears to be about exposing womankind as closet lesbians, and that the love of a man is "intense mediocrity" and that the life of a woman is mediocre woe, in that she becomes entrenched and attached to her mediocre obsessions of a secret-agent boy, and seems to imply she would be much better off as a lesbian, but cannot resist her sexual fetish to be impregnated by a secret-agent boy.

Contrast this also, to the second level of the game, Facility, where the music becomes almost a glorification of killing in a methodical way. It as if Bond, while innocent in the first level, jumps off the cliff and dies, miraculously reemerging as a Phoenix, and changing his personality into a killing machine.

"You and I would be soulmates, except I don't think you are into girly men like me."

I've learned the hard way to never say I know everything. Because I don't.

Whether you and I would connect will never be known until we met.

Lesley Niyori wrote:"You and I would be soulmates, except I don't think you are into girly men like me."

I've learned the hard way to never say I know everything. Because I don't.

Whether you and I would connect will never be known until we met.

When do you want to meet?

Angelic wrote:

Lesley Niyori wrote:"You and I would be soulmates, except I don't think you are into girly men like me."

I've learned the hard way to never say I know everything. Because I don't.

Whether you and I would connect will never be known until we met.

When do you want to meet?

Well, you might have trouble finding your way here to Lindsay.
But you can come to visit any time you like dear.

Lesley Niyori wrote:

Angelic wrote:

Lesley Niyori wrote:"You and I would be soulmates, except I don't think you are into girly men like me."

I've learned the hard way to never say I know everything. Because I don't.

Whether you and I would connect will never be known until we met.

When do you want to meet?

Well, you might have trouble finding your way here to Lindsay.
But you can come to visit any time you like dear.

Can't, I have no car same as you do.