dream help

Older I get the smarter I become. But it feels like the actual quality/experience of my life diminishes daily.

Here's an example: My IQ rises, so I theoretically get better at math. But I am so miserable in class, that I wouldn't pay attention or focus and want to leave after 5 minutes. So on paper, I'd be worse at math because I have no motivation to even bother.

I haven't had a good dream in weeks. I can barely even remember my dreams. I had to wake myself up with only 6 hours of sleep to remember my dream last night and just forgot it now. But I do remember the dream was boring and mediocre.

I don't think I've had a dream where I was a girl in weeks. But its hard to say because I don't remember the dreams I had weeks, I just have this gut feeling that they were all deeply unremarkable and mediocre.

In my dailies I feel like a robotic secret agent. Like not suicidal most of the time, but still not jumping for joy in the morning either. I just feel "there", neither here nor there, just existing.

So recently I realized I have a crush on a transwoman. So I told my friend, who was also a transwoman. They told me my crush wanted to be with someone else (even though that person they wanted was playing hard to get and giving them a difficult time). So I just felt like I had to give up. Just like always. Its always my feelings and needs coming secondary to the whims and wants of others. Its how it was my whole life. Always standing in the closet, always standing on the sidelines, watching everyone else get love and romance except me. I have been nothing but the messiah of this planet trying to stop war and give better treatments for the lowly. Givin' support to lonely and suicidal. And yet what do I get for all the love I gave this world? Nothing, nada, zilch. Almost 30 and still never had a real relationship or even any decent one-night stands. Sick and tired of it and dreams are all I have to escape this shitshow of reality. And yet now I'm not even allowed to have dreams.

Your life will be crap until you change it.

No one is responsible for making your life anything, other than you.

Life will keep teaching you the same lesson until you learn it (that's a quote, I didn't think that one up).

Lesley Niyori wrote:Your life will be crap until you change it.

No one is responsible for making your life anything, other than you.

Life will keep teaching you the same lesson until you learn it (that's a quote, I didn't think that one up).

I believe love makes the world go around. If I give love, but noone gives me any love, my life will not be good. The same applies to anyone else. Anyone who does not get any love, will not have a good life. Its pretty simple mechanics. People can either choose to love or choose to not love. For example, Ghengis Khan murdered 13 million people and raped 13,000 women. The victims did not "bring it on themselves". People make a choice, not to love and make someone else's life miserable. If thats the world they want to have, thats the world they want to give. Its up to humanity to make a world of love. It is a modern delusion that people believe they alone have the power to change their own life. The delusion is brought on by fantasy movies, where the hero simply trains a while with an ancient master, learning wisdom and swordsmanship, and eventually saves the day, after much trial and tribulation. Fantasy stories where people believe other's have no power over them, making them believe that they are the sole arbiters of their own happiness, simply because they got lucky and it happened to work out for them.

Your post contradicted itself dear.

Lesley Niyori wrote:Your post contradicted itself dear.

Well let's talk about your post. I asked for dream help, and you told me I need to help myself. Obviously if I knew how to help my dreams, I wouldn't have needed to ask for help for my dreams.

Also, my post doesn't contradict itself.

Angelic wrote:

Lesley Niyori wrote:Your post contradicted itself dear.

Well let's talk about your post. I asked for dream help, and you told me I need to help myself. Obviously if I knew how to help my dreams, I wouldn't have needed to ask for help for my dreams.

Also, my post doesn't contradict itself.

I offered my input, what you do with it is your choice.

And yes, your second post contradicted itself.

And you often ramble, seeming directionless, with a great deal of text, that seems to suggest you have very significant issues, that I don't have to qualifications to treat.

Lesley Niyori wrote:

Angelic wrote:

Lesley Niyori wrote:Your post contradicted itself dear.

Well let's talk about your post. I asked for dream help, and you told me I need to help myself. Obviously if I knew how to help my dreams, I wouldn't have needed to ask for help for my dreams.

Also, my post doesn't contradict itself.

I offered my input, what you do with it is your choice.

And yes, your second post contradicted itself.

And you often ramble, seeming directionless, with a great deal of text, that seems to suggest you have very significant issues, that I don't have to qualifications to treat.

You didn't offer any input. You just said, I'm responsible for my lot in life, and that was that. It wasn't even enough advice to be shoddy advice. If you really think that what you gave was advice, then this is a sad state of affairs. Your advice is the equivalent of someone telling you their car is broken down, and you saying to them "Fix it yourself, you are responsible for this car you bought and road you happened to be on when it broke down, you should have bought a Mazda."

What contradiction? There is no contradiction and even if there was you don't seem to have the energy to clarify it.
You claim I ramble, but perhaps it is because you do the opposite, post ambiguities with no elaborations. Elaborations aren't your thing I presume.

Angelic wrote:

Lesley Niyori wrote:

Angelic wrote:

Lesley Niyori wrote:Your post contradicted itself dear.

Well let's talk about your post. I asked for dream help, and you told me I need to help myself. Obviously if I knew how to help my dreams, I wouldn't have needed to ask for help for my dreams.

Also, my post doesn't contradict itself.

I offered my input, what you do with it is your choice.

And yes, your second post contradicted itself.

And you often ramble, seeming directionless, with a great deal of text, that seems to suggest you have very significant issues, that I don't have to qualifications to treat.

You didn't offer any input. You just said, I'm responsible for my lot in life, and that was that. It wasn't even enough advice to be shoddy advice. If you really think that what you gave was advice, then this is a sad state of affairs. Your advice is the equivalent of someone telling you their car is broken down, and you saying to them "Fix it yourself, you are responsible for this car you bought and road you happened to be on when it broke down, you should have bought a Mazda."

What contradiction? There is no contradiction and even if there was you don't seem to have the energy to clarify it.
You claim I ramble, but perhaps it is because you do the opposite, post ambiguities with no elaborations. Elaborations aren't your thing I presume.

Just because you can't comprehend clarity doesn't mean it wasn't clear.
My input didn't require you to read 10 minutes of content.
Your posts are not valued based on their verbosity dear.
You are a broken record, Angel. The duration of how long you proceed to skip in your post changes nothing.
You make unfounded statements, unverified claims, outright random remarks.

Some of your posts Angel are so incomprehensible I simply don't bother to touch them.

As for my ability to elaborate, it's not something I am required to demonstrate at this time.
I'm well known for my posts being able to go into excessive detail. I am indeed a master of 'rambling'.

Angel, often you sound angry, massively in need of self-esteem, factually challenged, and living in a very peculiar world of your own creation. Most people fitting your behaviour, are invariably in need of significant professional assistance.

Lesley Niyori wrote:

Angelic wrote:

Lesley Niyori wrote:

Angelic wrote:

Lesley Niyori wrote:Your post contradicted itself dear.

Well let's talk about your post. I asked for dream help, and you told me I need to help myself. Obviously if I knew how to help my dreams, I wouldn't have needed to ask for help for my dreams.

Also, my post doesn't contradict itself.

I offered my input, what you do with it is your choice.

And yes, your second post contradicted itself.

And you often ramble, seeming directionless, with a great deal of text, that seems to suggest you have very significant issues, that I don't have to qualifications to treat.

You didn't offer any input. You just said, I'm responsible for my lot in life, and that was that. It wasn't even enough advice to be shoddy advice. If you really think that what you gave was advice, then this is a sad state of affairs. Your advice is the equivalent of someone telling you their car is broken down, and you saying to them "Fix it yourself, you are responsible for this car you bought and road you happened to be on when it broke down, you should have bought a Mazda."

What contradiction? There is no contradiction and even if there was you don't seem to have the energy to clarify it.
You claim I ramble, but perhaps it is because you do the opposite, post ambiguities with no elaborations. Elaborations aren't your thing I presume.

Just because you can't comprehend clarity doesn't mean it wasn't clear.
My input didn't require you to read 10 minutes of content.
Your posts are not valued based on their verbosity dear.
You are a broken record, Angel. The duration of how long you proceed to skip in your post changes nothing.
You make unfounded statements, unverified claims, outright random remarks.

Some of your posts Angel are so incomprehensible I simply don't bother to touch them.

As for my ability to elaborate, it's not something I am required to demonstrate at this time.
I'm well known for my posts being able to go into excessive detail. I am indeed a master of 'rambling'.

Angel, often you sound angry, massively in need of self-esteem, factually challenged, and living in a very peculiar world of your own creation. Most people fitting your behaviour, are invariably in need of significant professional assistance.

No it is you who is in need of factual assistance. It is an objective fact you are not being clear.
Not a debate. You claim I post a contradiction in my second post. But you never state what you think the contradiction was. This is objectively not clear, not a debate.

Also, if you can't comprehend my posts, I will say this. Just because you can't comprehend clarity doesn't mean it wasn't clear.

Is it time now for me to cut to the chance and start using juvenile rebutals?

Lesley Niyori wrote:Is it time now for me to cut to the chance and start using juvenile rebutals?

Rebuttals are not juvenile, "I'm right you're wrong" is juvenile.

Something tells me you just haven't a clue.

Lesley Niyori wrote:Something tells me you just haven't a clue.

Something tells me you are a narcissist, and that is why you don't have an actual argument, just this feeling in your mind that you are always right, without any evidence to back it up. Your conscious mind, seems to be unconscious of this, so whenever you are losing an argument, you use ad homs, to shield yourself from this realization.

Ok girls, pack it up now... Please read my open letter to you both on 'Scary Times' in the Politics thread. No more posts here, I'm not going to lock this one, I can't keep going round locking everything, else this board is going to look like a prison.

We have some young members here, what kind of example is being set here?

How about a little togetherness. Both of you remove your posts up to the point where you think it went awry. Or if you think I'm being bossy, just don't comment further upon each others posts.


Celia xx

Celia Eriksson wrote:Ok girls, pack it up now... Please read my open letter to you both on 'Scary Times' in the Politics thread. No more posts here, I'm not going to lock this one, I can't keep going round locking everything, else this board is going to look like a prison.

We have some young members here, what kind of example is being set here?

How about a little togetherness. Both of you remove your posts up to the point where you think it went awry. Or if you think I'm being bossy, just don't comment further upon each others posts.


Celia xx

I dont see why I have to delete my posts, she's the one flaming and antagonizing me.

First she posts a callous, devoid-of-empathy post saying I'm responsible for all my problems and I just need to be hard and persevere.

Then I post a neutral, non-hostile reply saying why I don't agree with that mentality.

The she goes all out flaming on me.

Also I dont see any posts by you in the "Scary Times" thread.

Angel, it's there, it was a work in progress and it's taken an hour of my time to do, it was necessary to act, after receiving two personal messages about it from different members.

I do think it would be nice not to have to lock posts and make these statements because of disagreement between members that clearly turn to having a venomous nature about them. I just want peace here, I have given options all the way along the line. Either be nice to each other or simply turn the page and do not answer each others posts. Either delete, or don't swap posts.

If someone baits me, I don't have to have the very last word, because soon I have run out of the good words that win my point. it's worth a try.


The End. Please. Celia.

Celia Eriksson wrote:Angel, it's there, it was a work in progress and it's taken an hour of my time to do, it was necessary to act, after receiving two personal messages about it from different members.

I do think it would be nice not to have to lock posts and make these statements because of disagreement between members that clearly turn to having a venomous nature about them. I just want peace here, I have given options all the way along the line. Either be nice to each other or simply turn the page and do not answer each others posts. Either delete, or don't swap posts.

If someone baits me, I don't have to have the very last word, because soon I have run out of the good words that win my point. it's worth a try.


The End. Please. Celia.

It's just I am a fragile person and insecure, and if someone baits me and I don't get the last word in, their insults will haunt my mind and linger and loop. I been bullied my whole life and this is how I get. I try to ignore the bullies for an hour but then I go home and I snap and the things the bullies said loops. For instance, a bully at school will call me a pathetic loser. And I try to shrug it off and pretend I am cool. But then it loops and loops. I get home and my mind tells me I am a pathetic loser. And my mind takes on the voice of the bully and tells me it over and over again. And then I say no to my mind, that it isn't so. Then my mind amplifies and start insulting me some more. Then I snap and start punching water bottles and things.

It takes a single hurtful word I have found, to last and linger for days.

For me at least.

An unkind remark, an ill intent. Even on a day that has been stellar to that point, all is ruined by that single instance.

There is no excuse for making unkind remarks, ever.

I am not offering any. But I hold everyone accountable for all of their actions. So no excuses.

When posting, consider the contents of the post. What might seem harmless, might not be.
Even just a barrage of negativity is enough to be triggering, even if not aimed at a specific individual.

I've had people I respect tell me some of my comments on my own Facebook were in need of alteration. It's what a person does next, that measures the value of the person.

This IS a safe place. Celia makes it safe.
And the rules are the rules, and I follow them.
And if I wander over the line, I don't object to it being pointed out.
And I get back inside of the line.

I am now back inside of that line.

No one wins an argument on the internet.

Well, I appreciate you both baring your soul a little here and I am sure everyone likes what you have both written. So I think we can all help each other by showing kindness and respect and by breathing out and thinking for a few minutes before sending a post. Thank you girls, nice posts, everyone understands you a little better.

Celia xx

PS I am not abandoning you know, I am on a nightshift, I will be here tomorrow. I am doing nothing tomorrow except pampering myself. I deserve it.

Pampering is good.