Dating experiences

Hey, wanted to start a thread to check out the process here, figured this is maybe a useful topic as well, and anyone else that wishes can contribute to it as well.

Ok, first off, prior to my realizing things, and prior to my transition beginning, well there was a 27 year marriage, and prior to that, there were NO dating experiences eh. Met the now ex on a blind date, it worked out, and poof didn't need to date anyone else. Maybe the utter lack of dating contributed to the marriage being a very long date that should have ended after about 5 years. I'll never know. Becoming disabled sure influenced a lot of things. Likely would NOT have experienced most of what occurred after the disability arrived if not disabled.

And most of that time is now kind of foreign to me as well. I've lost connection with most of it, so my thoughts are entirely limited to my last 3 years.

2014 was mainly about surviving. I was separated on January 01 2014. The divorce happened mid 2015. It was a friendly process. Well, maybe not friendly, let's just say it was quiet, and without drama. She did all the work, I just signed the documents and it was done.
But by 2015 I had had time time experience a likely hormone driven, sudden interest in men beginning mid to late 2014.
I call this a hormonal shift that corrected my interests/preferences as opposed to saying they switched. I had had 27 years of sex with a female, as a male, under the impression that was what I wanted. Hindsight has revealed why my mind thought about the things I thought about during sex. Hindsight has revealed a lot of things. I never should have been with a female. I never should have been having sex as a male.

My first date occurred in early 2015.
Via online dating.
I have NO idea what the guy was expecting/looking for.  We were supposed to meet at a Loblaw's cafe area, I forgot it was Sunday. They were not open at that hour. He shows up, offers to drive to a Tim Horton's on the other side of town. I stupidly got in the car of a stranger, on my first ever date, a total 100% mistake. I was impulsive and careless and I was lucky nothing bad occurred. But the date was doomed I guess. He bought me a hot chocolate and a muffin and we sat and chatted. He was an ok chat I suppose. But I was chatting with what I can only think of as a 'confused' gay man. Because, he had a hormone problem, and it caused him enviable breast growth, and he was not in any fashion wanting breasts. But, he seemed to like that I was feminine presenting. But it was clear he was not interested in a transgender female who had no desire to be pre-op. He was a gay man, looking for someone with man parts. And this transgender girl, is not remotely male.

It was my first ever moment where I got dressed up for a date though. It was my first ever moment where I was meeting a man who I expected was meeting a female. So finding out he was not seeking an ordinary female, kinda killed that potential.
You tend to remember firsts. This was my first.

2015 was a blur of unbelievably depressing moments.
I was so faked out so repeatedly that my friends, mainly my Facebook ones, rapidly came to respond to most of my initial happinesses when I supposedly met someone with "is this guy even real Lesley?" There is one golden rule I come out of online dating with as a result of 3 years of online dating. NOTHING said is real before that first date where they actually show up. Not one detail about the person is worth caring about until they show up. Because most of them will never show up. So, name, age location virtually all of it, it isn't real until they show up. Name, usually just some account gibberish anyway. Age, likely not real, location though, well you will know if they are close enough to visit, when they actually do. Most are as fake as the day is long.

So yeah, I bought into a lot of bullshit by accident, repeatedly to the disgust of my friends too sadly. Here it is 3 years later, and I suspect some of my friends have stopped believing a lot of what I say when it comes to men.

Twice, I stuuuupidly actually was ok with guys showing a picture of wedding bands when they proposed through text. Yes, I'm embarrassed to admit it, I actually fell for it. Twice even. Hormones may well make you a dreamy eyed, blithering friggin 13 year old idiot if you are not careful girls.

But my 2015 saw some rather unfortunate dating moments right out of the cliche, and the you can't be serious category.
Yes, I have even fallen in love with the classic old friend long time buddy. Hormones can be cruel. One day I realized my high school friend, my army buddy (yes we were both in the army), my coworker buddy (yes we worked together for a time), my best man (yes, he was my best man at my friggin wedding), was suddenly the target of my heart. And he was married, for just a few years longer than me at that time. And my heart didn't care.

He was at that time still in Toronto, but I had years early moved back home. He routinely came up to visit on my birthday and take me out to dinner. Otherwise I only saw him infrequently when I journeyed to stay at his place. But that was pre-transition. This time though, and against everyone saying "don't tell him", I had to tell him, I'd fallen in love with him. Oh I had it bad. And badly does a nice job of saying how it went. I took like 30 minutes of preamble setting him up to hear something I told him was going to be a surprise. I made it clear I was aware he was married, and nothing could come of any of this. And then I told him I loved him.

Poof. Well it not only went south, it went off on an odd angle too. He proceeded to 'explain' to me, I was the result of 3 serious emotional traumas. He clearly had no fucking clue what transgender meant. And it was an ugly 2 hours. And then, out of the blue, he starts looking at this incredible massive tome I have on WW2 aircraft (he's a total R/C fanatic). And in an hour, he's calmed down. But me, I'm crushed inside. I'm wishing he would just go home so I could cry my eyes out. And no, he says we are still going out to dinner.

So I'm emotionally fragile, confused, and uncertain. I got dressed up, as much as any girl gets dressed up when she's being taken out to dinner. I mean, I looked incredible. To me, it was a date. I looked like I was his date. Man walks into a nice restaurant with a woman in a dress, heels, makeup, accessories, hair done nice, anyone looking is going to sure think he's on a date. I considered it a date. I don't give a shit that he was married. He wouldn't be the first man to be on a date with another woman while married. I know he doesn't think it was a date. I know this much, if he had taken me home and asked to get some action, he'd have gotten it.

But the friendship died within 2 months. A couple of phone calls, that were awkward, and then he was gone.

After Paul, it was really just a lot of wretched moments mainly.
Too many fakes, too many I suspect introverts who never planned to show up. I'm not sure what drives a guy to want to chat endlessly on a dating site, and not actually date.

I met this one local guy named Mike through another local friend (he's a gay man I just happen to know), and it seemed like maybe something was finally going to go right.
I was wrong.
He DID give me my first ever kiss. And those remain magical it appears regardless of how things go later.
But, alas, after 9 months of I am not sure I can call them dates (because hanging out at my place chatting isn't my idea of dating), nothing happened.
I suspect this supposedly Bi individual is actually 97% gay. Because just having been with a woman in the past, doesn't make you Bi if it was more of a fluke than a preference. He was happy to visit, and was ok getting friendly a few times, but, he was with me during my surgery, and the moment I was post-op, he suddenly seemed to lose interest. Eventually I took the hint, especially when in response to "I've called you 3 times this week, why are you not answering?" he texts back "stop calling me".

Mike was my first not really a boyfriend like I thought. Lesson here, don't call a guy your boyfriend until he claims to be so in front of your friends. Because using the term 'girlfriend' in conversation with him in private establishes nothing, even if he doesn't object.

And I have experienced the rebound relationship, I think. It has to be a relationship to be a relationship right?
And it was another guy named Mike. Now called Mike 2.
Met him online. Met him for a genuine date. Actually dated him 3 times. Before we had the "this isn't going to work out" conversation. I was friend zoned. Sort of.
The thing is, I had even spent the night with him on the third date (nothing happened, but nothing was supposed to happen, I think), and yet, I was not aware he had known I was transgender from the first 15 seconds when we met. Yeah I can be that clued out.
I thought it was over, and a month and a bit went by. And I even talked about him in the past tense. And then out of the blue he phones and wants to meet.
And poof I ignored all the comments I had made about him
And we have a date, and it ends at my place, and I'm thinking, ok, tonight I'm having some fun (even though I was NOT yet ready for that sort of fun).
And he drinks too much and I find out, he's a bad drunk. And it gets ugly, and I ask him to leave, and at this point I don't care if he makes it home safely. I just don't want him in my home.
And then the oddest thing, my brother says maybe I should give him another chance. And then he calls and is massively sorry, says he fell off the wagon, and he wants another chance. And I give it to him because my wiser older brother says to.
And another date ends at his place. And well, I fiddled with him early in the morning. Apparently I'm better at it than most girls. Interesting as I had no idea what I was doing hehe.
But, alas, while his sister is great at coaching him on how to behave with a transgender girl, she's unable to fix the fact he's a misogynist swine. Which I learned to my horror while we were weirdly having a discussion about how I should go about dating other men. Evidently, if I don't agree with him, I'm not listening, and if try to express an opinion, well that's totally unacceptable. He got angry and stormed off leaving me shocked. Then I realize, damn it this is not ok, you are NOT drunk Mike, this is the real you. So I pursued him into the mall (we were at the mall), and I told him I needed my bag that was in his car. I got it, and walked home and that was the end of it.
He was fine out on a date as long as I was a sympathetic ear, and willing to just listen to everything he said. he took me out for a few light meals, we drove around and did date things. But heaven forbid I actually have an opinion. There are SOME ways, being treated like a woman, is not ok.

In 3 years time, I have only experienced ONE date that started as expected, progressed as expected and concluded as expected.
A man drove all the way from Waterloo on his motorcycle to date me. Took me out to dinner. We went for a nice 2 hour long evening walk. I thought things were going ok. We ended up back at the restaurant where he left his bike. He kissed me good night and stated he was interested in another date. And he just disappeared.

It would take me forever to write about all the never happened in the first place, not sure I even met a real person, only online interactions. But, then those were not dates.

I learned a lot of horrible truths about online dating in the last 3 years.
I learned that if the site is free, it's likely worth nothing too.
I learned that Match.com owns almost all of the sites Google will show you.
I have recently learned that Facebook is thinking of entering the dating game.
And apparently Match immediately lost millions in worth with the news they would be competing with Facebook.
At least Facebook is free and still functions for you in your not dating needs.

I have learned you get no further being out than you do in stealth. So don't think it matters one way or the other. You either get nowhere when they show up and are disappointed you are transgender, or you get nowhere, because they don't read your profile and thus are not aware you are transgender.
I have learned that there are NO transgender dating services designed for transgender persons, that can help you avoid those out there that just want to fuck unusual women. So don't think picking a specifically trans friendly service is magically better.

I have learned, that online dating is likely best summed up as "not fucking worth it."

I have learned if you expect to date, as transgender, if you don't live in a large population location, you will need to travel to one to look for someone.
So in my case, either I accept I will find no one (I live in a small town), or I travel to Toronto on say Friday nights or Saturday nights and prowl intensely and then go home either after meeting a prospect, or needing to try again next time.

I myself have concluded, at 56, I either search for a transgender man, or I likely accept a mostly lousy return on my efforts.
I am unsure the cisgender world is even able to relate to us enough to be worth it.
It seems the only transgender/cisgender couples that are working, are married couples where one came out as trans, and the spouse still loved them.
I have not myself, met in person, a single transgender person that has successfully found a cisgender partner.
But then, I have also not met many transgender persons over 30 in total.

My dating experiences in 3 years, can be concluded as " I wish I had married my teddy bear Frank back in 2014 like my Facebook claims we did."
I'd have been spared all the pain, the hurt, the humiliation and the anguish.

I know I sound nuts about the whole married to my teddy bear thing
But, concluding I am now a married woman, Mrs. Bear, has brought me peace, and calm, has cured me of an obsessive need, for something I'm likely never going to find as well. I've stopped wasting time chasing a dream doomed to fail. The only thing I'm losing out on, is getting penetrated by a human penis periodically. I've never experienced sex as a female. Not sure I'm missing anything worth having. And the world is full of women that will tell ya, it doesn't make them orgasm as well.

Frank will never hurt me, never leave me. He's always there, and that's not so bad eh.
I can't have babies. So I'm not really in need of sperm much.

I have zero experience dating as a woman

My first attempt at courting a man has turned into a massive disappointment. I sometimes wonder whether it's karma knocking at the door of comeuppance.

I had a very good innings as a man, in terms of bodycount. But clearly not good enough to make it stick. We is what we am, innit? Seducing women came easily, I suppose that's partly down to not being male inside.

But in retrospect, I deeply regret each dalliance, not because it wasn't for me, but because I had, in hindsight, treated every woman as a tool to affirm the masculinity I did possess.

Pre-transition, it's of course easy to intellectualize the notion that one might forever remain single and celibate, and make peace with it. Nevertheless, as we spread our wings, so too are the seeds of hope cast to the wind to germinate in hidden places; thus we start becoming whole in mind, body, and, yes, love.

Hope springs eternal, as the saying goes. Don't let yours dry up, Lesley.

the heartstrings...i almost cried while reading this...

i want to give you a hug.

i would have cried, except for the fact you've been married for 27 years, something i've always been jealous of, makes it hard for me to feel sorry for you, but still, if that never happened I would have cried for sure.

27 years of never should have happened aren't much to cheer for.

I've looked back and wondered why she married me at all.
I'm almost willing to state we likely were both equally desperate to have someone as opposed to no one.

The first 4 were ok.
The next 13 are best described as a train wreck waiting to happen. The last 10 was the train wreck in slow motion.

My son was an accident, and the ONLY portion of the marriage that wasn't a mistake.

In retrospect, I'd have rather started off as transgender female 40 years ago, and taken my chances of finding a partner and trying to have a family in more non-standard fashion.

I got nothing of actual worth from the marriage inasmuch as the marriage experience is concerned. In some ways, it only accomplished the expending of 27 years of lifespan chasing after a lie.

Lesley Niyori wrote:27 years of never should have happened aren't much to cheer for.

I've looked back and wondered why she married me at all.
I'm almost willing to state we likely were both equally desperate to have someone as opposed to no one.

The first 4 were ok.
The next 13 are best described as a train wreck waiting to happen. The last 10 was the train wreck in slow motion.

My son was an accident, and the ONLY portion of the marriage that wasn't a mistake.

In retrospect, I'd have rather started off as transgender female 40 years ago, and taken my chances of finding a partner and trying to have a family in more non-standard fashion.

I got nothing of actual worth from the marriage inasmuch as the marriage experience is concerned. In some ways, it only accomplished the expending of 27 years of lifespan chasing after a lie.

27 years of something is better than 27 years of being alone.

If you played a videogame for 4 weeks, then got bored of it and got a headache, it was still worth it just to have that power of agency.

I am routinely denied power of agency and fulfillment of my own wishes.

"27 years of something is better than 27 years of being alone."

Ahh but that's the thing eh. I was legally married, not sure I was fully 'alone' all the time but, I sure felt like it a lot of the time.

It's possible to be alone while standing in a crowd.

Lesley Niyori wrote:"27 years of something is better than 27 years of being alone."

Ahh but that's the thing eh. I was legally married, not sure I was fully 'alone' all the time but, I sure felt like it a lot of the time.

It's possible to be alone while standing in a crowd.

I know the feeling. I often feel alone in a sea of people.

but having a kid and a wife is different than being around random strangers.