Where I'm at (and loving it)

I'm deep into transition now (9 months on HT, 6mg Estradiol daily and 200mg Progesterone), since I can't tolerate Spironolactone (leg cramps) I'm patiently waiting for a full year where with 2 letters from trained mental health professionals attesting that I am who I am my insurance will cover all manner of things including removing my one remaining testicle that keeps kicking out stuff I don't want.  

Everything has been going extremely well, one might say suspiciously well, given what I've been told to expect.  I'm having zero issues with my presentation (which just gets accepted without exception, as strange as that might seem) and my happiness quotient is through the damn roof at this point.  Maybe it's because I spent so much time dwelling in anxiety about what this might be like, only to discover that it all feels perfectly normal to me and that there never really was anything to worry about.

Case in point - I'm getting back to sprinting and other running, after getting cured of chronic anemia (long story), and to do that I need new running shoes and a sports bra, because jiggly.  So I go to REI to find something I like that works - and I do - and through it all I'm never concerned. It's just a need that I have now, and people just understand.

That I need new running shoes also is normal, and of course they don't have them in the color I want, which is also normal, but the order's on the way.  And when I'm there trying these Hokas on there's a nice person shopping the same brand (which I've gotten into recently) and she's wearing a big button saying "Support Trans Kids" and you could spot my smile from a mile away, if I wasn't wearing an N95 mask that is.  That's just how my life has been unfolding recently.  It's like facing the demon and finding it was only an illusion after all. 

OTOH if it's all a simulation, and if it's MY simulation, then this is what I'd expect to happen.  

How to tell...  Would I care?  

I don't feel much need to come on here for discussion, but also I don't see much discussion here.  Which could be down to a similarity of experience for people.  I can rant any old place, but a place like this is where I share my inner thoughts about it all with like minded people.

And it's not like I don't discuss it all with my partner - I do at great length, and there was some pushback - but when I finally got it across that I'd tried to seize numerous opportunities to just say "Yeah I'm gonna do this now" but for various reasons (fear mostly of the unknown I guess) but just couldn't, until after I enlisted my MD to start the process medically, that went away.  I basically knew that I had to do it, and I knew I was going to eventually, but until I did it obviously I could continue to put it off.

And now?  Now is amazing, every single day.  Amazing as in I can't believe how much different it is now.  Amazing as in I can't recall exactly what it was so concerned about. Except perhaps public perception, and that seems to be exactly a non-issue.

I know that isn't everybody's case, but it turns out to me mine, and I just wanted to share that.

And leave you with a song, a bit of Robert Hunter lyrics from "Uncle John's Band":

It's the same story the crow told me; it's the only one he knows
Like the morning sun you come and like the wind you go
Ain't no time to hate, barely time to wait
Wo, oh, what I want to know, where does the time go

Lisa (AKA Marci)

Awesome dear, glad I'm not the only smiling

Oh the smile just wells up from inside.