Just tired

Okay, this is a rant into the aether... I want to be clear I don't hate men or male identifying people. But right now I am just fucking tired. I tried to go out yesterday and tonight and nope this crap has me so drained I couldn't keep my anxiety under control long enough to meet with the women who I wanted to say hi to.

So let's go backwards...
I wanted to share a selfie with some folks but had to use imgur and was in a rush. And forgot to mark it hidden. In just two hours fuck them and their fucking comments. I deleted the post and everything linked to it.

Some other men fetishize the group I am in and I light into them but we all know how it goes. Privileged man children thinking they have any business in our safe queer spaces. You have every other fucking spot on this planet and yet claim we are the problem when we ask for our space in be respected.

I just love having a transgender man who will talk endlessly about his sexual abuse, extreme kink, and emotional issues seeking support. But makes it clear that I he has many issues with women and particularly transwomen. But I a good one so long as I never talk about specifics of my issues or concerns... because eww vagina talk. Who used his therapy background to keep getting back into my life and make it my fault. I can't tell you how many times he set me off.

Liam the one man, I in my desperation to not be alone I thought I could love. So amazingly kind and gentle. But I don't think he was ever fully honest with me. I don't buy that a week before my surgery he is okay with me. But after I it's like eww vagina... Ultimately I tell myself I fucked up letting anyone that close after my divorce. That my past issues with men means the relationship was doomed. But don't tell me you had been planning this for a long time. Turning all that time together and claims to love me into lies. And yet I still worry about him.

My birthday, my mom and I talk and like clockwork my brother is mentioned and it's apparent some conversation about me happened and then I get dead named and misgendered by her in that context. She again brings up our lifelong strained relationship and reasserts her belief that it's because he is resentful that I had a father. As soon as I get off the phone I blow up. This Trump loving bigot who feigns being hurt that I didn't tell him I was transgender, who has done his best to belittle and make me out to be "a terrible child" who constantly tells my mom he thinks I am confused, and brainwashed. This same man with no kids but has the temerity to lecture me on child care. This same man who when I got triggered by his friends and him playing their electric instruments so loud it was causing me pain I unplugged I hit the breakers to make it stop. His answer chase me down and trap me (I am 10 years younger and was never strong) then tie me up in a bed sheet and dangle me over the balcony threatening to drop me. This same man who swung at me and hit me so hard he collapsed my windpipe. This man whose I was forced to be with when my mom was on one of her frequent date nights who if he didn't like what I was doing would trap me in the trunk of his car drive around trying to terrify me. His biggest beef with me was 5 year old me got into his things s couple of times once spilling specimen dye on his rooms carpet and one time spilling some glue on s few of his slot cars. Something that y never hear the end of. He is jealous because of my phalendeting and alcoholic dad? Hahaha... He is welcome to him. I loved eating half cooked food alone because they were too drunk to finish. I love having no memory of doing things with my father like my other siblings. I loved seeing him beam for them but never me. I loved having to keep my door closed or locked because the only time I got any physical "affection" from him was when he was drunk.

To the doctor who decided it was his job to tell me what I needed and didn't need to do for my transition as he rated the appearance of my genitalia. I am not a doll for your pleasure schmuck.

To the psychologist who went out of his way to pointlessly trigger me for his own curiosity. Judge my appearance, talk about himself and his sex life keeping me there for hours "because he liked talking to me" and used his position as gatekeeper to hold me hostage to his whims. Go to hell prick.

To all the boys who would corner me, show me their cocks, and threaten to rape me in the locker room.. fuck you.

All the times I was bloodied by stones or just attacked and given a battered and bloody face or damaged ribs... Fuck you.

To wandering alone in Disney as a kid because my father and step mother we're drunk in the hotel.

I would go on but I need to sleep.

I'm hear to 'listen' ie read, any time you want to rant dear, and want to know someone heard it.

You scream as loudly as you can. I will hear you.

When I look back at my transition, I think I was running away from being a man more than I was running to be a woman.

In my 70+ years, I have seen most of what men do and frankly, it is fucking disgusting. Even the sweetest of men (my Father would qualify) would do something that what simply make me barf.

I got so tired of having to listen to the locker room talk, even in a conference room. I was weary of having to have better, more over the top exploits to be part of the group. I detested the elbowing to get to the top.

So, I migrated over to being a woman, because you know, women don't do the things that men do, right?

Bullshit, women do the same as men, only differently.

I guess where I am going with this is that you need to do the best you can with who you are to find the one person who can fill the void without being too much this or that. But remember, at some point, the one you are with will do something that you simply don't want to associate with. It might be one single act like simply telling your Wife you are now a woman, or simply leaving your clothes to pile up in a corner of the bedroom.

I know that I have put my Wife in situations that she didn't want, but yet what we have to fill our different voids allows us to make pearls of those annoying bits of sand.

To be clear I don't let women, myself, or other transgender people off the hook.

I am so tired of the bullshit you look great statements. So tired of being a curiosity used to answer whatever questions they have about transgender people. I am tired of the lies and subterfuge. Suggestions of we should totally do x on y. And suddenly there are other plans. Being tollerated but hardly accepted outside private situations like I am some shameful secret.

I am tired of being treated like an inspiration to baby transwomen. Or feeling like I have to accept unhealthy behaviors because identity. Or feeling drained from spending time with a friend because I was doing so much emotional labor.

I am tired of being anxious. Of loosing a day to typing to others. I am tired of the "dark voice". Of my inability to find joy in my accomplishments. Of being triggered by abuse. Of being alone.

I hear ya, Carol.

I make a point of telling people, ALL my most negative moments on the internet, have actually been as a result of a transgender woman. Being transgender isn't some magical condition that makes a person defacto automatically of use to any and all other transgender people.

And yes, we try our best to look our best, but, damn it, don't tell me I look great if the truth is a look stunningly ordinary and not worth mention. Girls, any girls, need to be able to rely on their close friends to not feed us inaccurate statements. Joe public individual isn't going to be as kind, and it hurts even more when we've been given a false sense of accomplishment on our appearances. NEVER blow wind up a girls dress on her looks. If she DOES look good fine, but, if yer every dang comment is "you look fabulous" you have really only made your praise look suspect if not valueless.

And yeah, some days, it's not easy to be the glowing light to the newcomers to our world.

Just be yourself and the world and you will get along just fine with the world and yourself.