I've taken what I feel is a huge step. [Contains NSFW language]

I've come to the realization that I will never be able to afford corrective surgery, and the older I get the less likely it becomes for health reasons, as well. I would love to get facial feminizing surgery, get rid of that lump in my throat (which I understand also feminizes the voice), the whole nine yards, but I doubt I'll ever be able to afford the procedures and I likely never will be able to handle them medically speaking.

Nine years ago I convinced myself that I had female parts, they were just deformed. My clitoris was enlarged and enveloped my urethra, my ovaries were ectopic and dropped down into my labia minora, which fused together to close off my vaginal canal, my uterus connected to my urethra instead of my birth canal and never started producing endometrium, my clitoral hood was missing entirely, and my stretched out fallopian tubes fused with my ectopic ovaries, which also started producing the wrong hormone at puberty and left my breasts perpetually at the same stage of development my eldest niece was at two years after her breasts started to come in (hope I don't sound like a pervert, but much like guys who hit puberty look at their older brothers to see how their own puberty is coming along, my eldest niece and I both hit puberty in 1993, when she was 9 and I was 12, so I partially compared myself to her and mostly lived vicariously through her, as 6th grade sex-ed had dashed my dreams).

That worked until recently. It bothered me that I was deformed, but I could look down in the bathroom or catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror without panic. In fact, I could even embrace my ovarian issues because it's rare when a woman can get another woman pregnant, and my messed up ovaries will allow that.

In fact, I even gave myself a win. I don't know if it's because I'm obese and this will go away if I lose weight, but the skin around my deformed parts looks just like a normal labia majora. If I stand the right way my hair hides everything and it looks fully feminine.

My dysphoria became largely social. It was more about being accepted as a woman than having the parts of a woman. I want to walk into a Dollar General, ask for the restroom key, and have them hand me the one on the pink ruler (I know it's a stereotype, but they attach the men's room key to a blue ruler and the women's room key to a pink one). I want to be able to walk into a Cato's or Maurice's without the employees asking about my girlfriend's size and preferences, or into a JC Penny's without being directed toward men's wear, or get a job where a coworker, when sending out a department-wide email about a women's event she's putting on, doesn't single me out in the group email and say "sorry, , this is just for the ladies."

I went through a "why bother" period when I went into Sally Beauty to buy hard wax after using mine up in the excruciatingly painful process of pulling out all of my facial hair, a wig in a style I have never seen a man wear, 4 pounds of silicone strapped to my chest and a tight blouse to flatter them, a purse, a denim skirt, makeup I really couldn't afford, basically every indication that I don't want to be called "he" or "sir," I asked an employee a question, she said to her manager "he wants to know..." Then when I was checking out, I was going to walk out with both middle fingers in the air but it was late and I didn't have time to find another store that sells hard wax beads, she asked for my phone number. I gave it to her, she looked at me, looked at the screen, looked at me again, and gave me a confused "Tiffany? Is that right?" When I confirmed that it was the name on my rewards account her eyes widened and she gave me a confused "okaaaaaaaay..." before giving me my total.

So I let myself go. One evening I was standing in the men's room at work, complete with my full beard (why waste time shaving when they're going to insult you anyway), watching the stream flowing from my clit when it suddenly hit me. "I shouldn't be able to do this."

So I broke down and ordered a prosthesis online when I got home. I know it won't take the place of surgery, but at least it will mostly route things to where I can properly use the ladies room. And I can go back to embracing nudism without getting depressed when I look down to swat a mosquito on my thigh, or catch a glimpse of myself in the bathroom mirror.

I know I'll have to replace it from time to time, in fact I plan to when I can find a physiologically correct one (I've found a lot of anatomically correct ones, but none of them route the urine properly. They all have you peeing baby doll style practically through the perineum or they route the urine through the actual vaginal opening), I don't know if any guys I meet can use it in the way advertised (I can't figure out the logistics from the pictures but I'll find out when it gets here), but in 10 - 20 business days I will be able to speak the words that I've dreamed of since I found out about the differences between boys and girls at the age of 8: "I have a vagina."

One that looks like it belongs on someone over 20 years younger, but if anyone who sees me nude says anything I can just claim vaginal rejuvenation surgery. Probably won't be able to hide the straps, either, but given that by the time I'll be in a position to start HRT I'll be at the menopausal age when androgen blockers will be all that make sense to me I'll probably reach my pinnacle when I take it out of the box and attach it.

And this will be something I won't have to leave in a box when I'm in an area where I need to be in the closet. I've had prosthetic breasts for five years, but there have only been a few days where they could be part of my day to day life and never without the heartbreak of having to remove part of my body at the end of the day. No one will know I have this unless it's one of the special guys or gals privy to that information. I can keep the right equipment at work, at church, at family events, around the house, in fact, the only times I'll be incomplete are during my 5 minute showers and when I remove it to clean it.

Like I said, it's no replacement for surgery, and I'm coming dangerously close to becoming a silicone woman, but in 10 - 20 days I'll be the most complete that I'll probably ever be.