help telling my story

help!!!! I have A NEWSLETTER entry to do before feb 1str and I can't get the motivation to get anything at all done.. It is one my transgender experience... i will be trying to work on it tonight pulling an all nighter.

I will post it here later.. what I write that is. I want some feed back.

this is what I got so far.. any thoughts...

I swear this is the hardest story I have ever had to write so far. Harder than all my fictional stories combined and that includes a 400 plus page book I wrote in ten nonconsecutive days over a month. Mainly because it is one of the truest stories I know. Second closest to me than one other. You see, last year I came out as transgender and pansexual to all of the peer group and it was a long journey to to gert the the point I could openly tell anyone I was transgender to anyone. This story that I will share here now.

As a kid, I was a very curious person. I was a big nerd flash geek. This came with a lot of hobbies. It really showed. My interests were very male-ish to say the least. As a teenager I watched japanese cartoons meant for young males{a.k.a shonen anime}. I know what you are thinking. How do we get from this to me realizing as a young teenage me that I was a girl on the inside. Interestingly enough I would watch these shows and fantasize about dating the female characters in my head. That evolved over time though. The fantasies would go from dating these girls to being full blown power fantasies about being them over time. It really didn’t hit me till so much later those girls portrayed qualities I had and wanted more of in my life.

Yes to all of you keeping score. My relationships with what we in the modern internet vernacular call waifus are why I knew I was a woman on the inside. In my youth I was a strange egg. I didn’t mind playing with action figures or boy stuff. I really just wanted the ones I dreamt up in my head. A kind of ideal set of toys that didn’t exist in real life at all. Twilight Assassin Barbie and others ideal ones I came up with. I went from wanting to be a “girly tomboy” and girly girl at the same time to wanting to be a full blown kunoichi{a.k.a a female ninja} before half of my teenage years were spent.

I realized quite quickly though that my dad was really not going to be very supportive to say the least due to what he viewed as his religious ideals. My dad enforced gender norms despite not knowing what I was. Things like letting me put my hair in a ponytail but not too high because that is what girls do. My dad was passively strict about his beliefs and anyone that lived under his roof would have to conform to them er be kicked out.

This put me in a n interesting position. Be my truest self. The self I knew was on the inside or was homeless and possibly died due to starvation shortly after. It was what I had to do to keep the piece. Hide some of myself so that I may live to tell the tale and become who I truly knew that i was one day. It was hard. I struggled because my dad despite being a good person, was not really understanding oin this area and it showed in his lack of even wanting to understand.

We even fought near the end due to this and a major difference in our political beliefs near the end but last year.in july 2021 he passed away and the major cures of rules he had disappeared with him. I shortly told, My mom of my plans and despite me not knowing if she truly understands yet. She has accepted me for who i am and probably always was going to from what I can tell. She is a good person after all. As far as why I know I am pansexual. It is a two part story. A long time ago. In my teens. I was walking around the area of what used to be the mall food court with my mom and dad. There was a couple walking in front of us. I was interested in the girl. I stared at her for a bit then I drifted off with a thought that I snapped out of and started looking again. I realized though soon after due tho the fact that the couple was wearing similar pants that I was fawning over the man and not the woman.

So many years later. When I was an adult. After fully knowing, I like both guys and girls. I was watching ther glenn beck show. He asked what the heck a pansexaual was and that qestion got me curious and so I looked it up. I realized I like the person no matter what sex or gender thety are. Personality and all. Also note that this is a requirement but being attractive is a good thing as well.

my mom read he ting.. she said she is trying to understand and that she loves me. she also said that.. "you understand this is against my beliefes."

Post op by several years now, and a family that is ok with me.

I have a transgender wife, and everything seems great.

But even with all of this, I have tried to write my story several times, and I always fail. Quickly.

It's just too hard to stare at on paper.

I've appeared in a local newspaper, and I have been interviewed for a local radio spot.
But they were asking questions, and I offered responses.
It all looks great, but, I wasn't really directing anything.

That's the key, for me at least.

I hate my past, what little I can recall past year one, which is mostly just me uttering what I know happened, but can't genuinely remember. I might as well be talking about WW2.

I loathe the person in my body before I became 'aware' of ME.
I have never wanted to say anything nice about him.
I couldn't care less how people speak of him. Wasn't me.

So it totally taints anything I might mention about pre 2012.
I'm not interested in the accuracy of then, not relevant to me.

So regardless of how great you might be with the now, I understand how you might have a challenge talking about it.

Ty... That helped greatly.

I may be rewriting some of this.... I am just getting feed back for the second draft.

I swear this is the hardest story I have ever had to write so far. Harder than all my fictional stories combined and that includes a 400 plus page book I wrote in ten nonconsecutive days over a month. Mainly because it is one of the truest stories I know. Second closest to me than one other. You see, last year I came out as transgender and pansexual to all of the peer group and it was a long journey to to get the the point I could openly tell anyone I was transgender to anyone. This is the story that I will share here now.

As a kid, I was a very curious person. I was a big nerd slash geek. This came with a lot of hobbies. It really showed. My interests were very male-ish to say the least. As a teenager I watched japanese cartoons meant for young males{a.k.a shonen anime}. I know what you are thinking. How do we get from this to me realizing as a young teenage me that I was a girl on the inside. Interestingly enough I would watch these shows and fantasize about dating the female characters in my head. That evolved over time though. The fantasies would go from dating these girls to being full blown power fantasies about being them over time. It really didn’t hit me till so much later those girls portrayed qualities I had and wanted more of in my life.

Yes to all of you keeping score. My relationships with what we in the modern internet vernacular call waifus are why I knew I was a woman on the inside. In my youth I was a strange egg. I didn’t mind playing with action figures or boy stuff. I really just wanted the ones I dreamt up in my head. A kind of ideal set of toys that didn’t exist in real life at all. Twilight Assassin Barbie and others ideal ones I came up with. I went from wanting to be a “girly tomboy” and girly girl at the same time to wanting to be a full blown kunoichi{a.k.a a female ninja} before half of my teenage years were spent.

I realized quite quickly though that my dad was really not going to be very supportive to say the least due to what he viewed as his religious ideals. My dad enforced gender norms despite not knowing what I was. He must have sensed something because of things I said or did. He gave possible hints that he did at times. I will never be sure now. His beliefs were of biblical origin. He believed that guys and girls had separate roles that god himself had made and that because of that it was designed structurally into physicL reality that`mens legs were meant to be hairy and womens were not despite both growing hair on them.

Like the kind of clothes you were supposed to wear were not just social norms that were malleable over time but in fact laws of nature itself and thus sacred. That sort of stuff never made sense to me. Namely because if things were designed in such a way society itself would not have to enforce them as rules. That gravity works as a law of science because no one gets to choose to ignore it.in fact is a law of reality and whether what fashion choices, hair styles, or family roles we chose are in fact not.

My dad made rules like letting me put my hair in a ponytail but not too high because that is what girls do. My dad was passively strict about his beliefs and anyone that lived under his roof would have to conform to them or be kicked out.

My mom on the other hand had hints over time. I know that she did. I dropped them occasionally. She has been the go between me and my dad on this many times despite not truly knowing everything herself. She floated the possibility to him once that I liked both guys and girls to see how he would react for me

She even once, after my dad threatened to kick me out because I had started painting my nails for the second time, asked me. We accept your mental illness.why can;t we accept this about you?. She didn’t understand. I told her I wanted to become a kunoichi and she asked why I couldn't be a male kunoichi.

Over time I stayed silent to myself about who I truly was but I knew. I wanted to e my true se;f and that ideal tried to claw its way out of ne. This led to a constantly internal struggle. A battle that constantly raged with in side of me between the being who I knew I was and receiving survival basic needs like shelter and food.

My dad's rules. Over time, put me in an interesting position. Be my truest self. The self I knew was on the inside or be homeless and possibly died due to starvation shortly after. It was what I had to do to keep the piece. Hide all of myself so that I may live to tell the tale and become who I truly knew that I was one day. It was hard. I struggled because my dad, despite being a good person, was not really understanding in this area and it showed in his lack of even wanting to understand.

We even, near the end fought due to this and a major difference in our political beliefs. The thing is though, but last year.in July 2021 he passed away and the major curse that was the rules he had made disappeared with him. I shortly told, My mom of my plans and despite me not knowing if she truly understands yet. She has accepted me for who i am and probably always was going to from what I can tell. She is a good person after all. Plus she loves me because I am her only child.

Now that I have gotten through this time in my life I plan to actually go through all the medical procedures I need to become the person I know I am but physically instead of just mentally. Be on the outside like I am in my mind. To figure it out and go through with whatever it takes. It may take time but with patience and persistence I know I Will win in the end. I will legally change my last name to Ferwins after that because after all this struggle. I have won a victory. That and the name has a built in mortal kombat reference. Which is cool as heck.

As far as why I know I am pansexual. It is a two part story. A long time ago. In my teens. I was walking around the area of what used to be the mall food court with my mom and dad. There was a couple walking in front of us. I was interested in the girl. I stared at her for a bit then I drifted off with a thought that I snapped out of and started looking again. I realized soon after due to the fact that the couple was wearing similar pants that I was fawning over the man and not the woman.

So many years later. When I was an adult. After fully knowing, I like both guys and girls. I was watching the Glenn Beck show. He asked what the heck a pansexual was and that question got me curious and so I looked it up. I realized I like the person no matter what sex or gender they are. Personality and all. Also note that this is not a requirement but being attractive is a good thing as well.

If you are reading this and are in the closet about anything I want you to know. Whether it be your sexuality, gender identity, or who you are on the inside. You are stronger than you think. That despite hiding who you are. That one day. The time will be right to come out of the closet and show who you are to the world. There is hope. Even if you have to wait or seek a heck of a long time to find it. You will one day and you will be freed from your mental bondage thusly.

back to writing I am.... It feels so good. I realized why I was not writing possibly. it might be the fact that I have a fear of sucess due to the fact I may not be able to save money for hard time or was not able to. due to the fact that I am on survivors benifits. not that I am putting this here for a critique but this is what I am wrote. It is for a newsletter that my mental health support group I go to.

On Self Love
It is that time of year spring is around the corner. Love is in the air. It is warming up enough for the birds and the bees and they are selling heart-shaped antacids with curious phrases on them in little boxes for some reason. oh, that's right It is about valentines day again. My bad. It is the season of love. So why not celebrate this month by celebrating the love of the person you will spend the most time with ever in all of existence. Yourself. Sadly though, from what I can tell. Most people don’t love all of themselves. They love the best parts of themselves. Like trophies, the shining of great qualities that they just keep on polishing tells there is about as much polish on them as there is wood. plastic, or metal.

It should go without saying. You should put your best qualities forward. That is your selling point. It should also go without saying that you should love those qualities of yourself that you don’t like at all. Those qualities you try to sweep under the rug when people come in your presence. You probably should know this. But you can’t fix what you don’t love. It’s like a broken-down old car that sits in your yard. If you don’t love fixing old cars then you will probably sit there making yourself self-conscious every time someone asks about it. Sadly until you do something about it it will continue to.

The challenge is to love the yard {a.ka yourself} enough to do something about it and unlike random junk in your yard. A piece of yourself you can’t just yeet of yourself like a broken down pinto. So what a person to do. Love that part of yourself despite. You don’t have to make it into the world's most stylish ride but you can do something with it. Like, make it into something useful. A part of yourself slash yard that isn’t a pain to explain. That part of yourself may not have to be your best but until you love it enough to nurture it better. You cannot make it into a beautiful victory garden for all to see.

Hi Lucky.

It is quite reasonable, quite a read too. I have written much over the years and know how hard it is to transfer personal thoughts into words and the laborious reading over to get things right.

If it is advice you are looking for and you are not going to be upset, because I am only trying to help, I will make a couple of suggestions.

Use a comma more often, short starts and stops with full stops, ([US]periods?), make a piece very difficult to read, the reader also has an immediate impression that the piece is written by an amateur. Short statements with full stops must be occasional, (like this).

Good wordsmiths find many words to use also that are not apparent in everyday speech. For example, 'slash', in the sense that you used, would not sit well upon any written piece. Generally your word usage is very good, but do avoid spoken slang and find alternative words that you would find in well written pieces. Newspapers are not necessarily the best, I would recommend the kind of words found in any novel or textbook.

Finally, we all have a tendency to always write how we speak. My regional 'English' English must be quite obviously strange, or twee to any American. Even Brits will write differently from different regions. I use 'for' and 'well' far too often, I write posts here like that, but I do avoid such on the written page when I need to convey good writing awareness.

Well, I wish you well, for what my pennyworth is worth!

You have a skill, but it does need honing..... hope I am not overbearing in letting you know!

Celia xx

Ty. That was helpful.