mood???{hope I can post this}

I have done a thing before that I have not really thought about at all until now. after I watched a certain video which is nsfw. I saw a character do the exact thing I do though. I will say a statement with the entention of telling someone that this is something that the {add kink scenario here} would be a horrifying experience. I will even genially mean it would be one of the scariest thing kink wise I could even think of. the thing is though my words do not line up with my tone of voice or expression at all. I am on one hand saying how horrified I am at such a thought but my voice portrays this happiness or elation/exctiment at the thought. The strange thing is. It is not even out of confusion. It is wierd. I mean I gget it and don't get it exactly at the same time. I wanted to see if anyone else has this conundrum.

P.s. I am being devoid of details on purpose. May post more details later though according to what happens next.

Rape is horrible.

Fact, most women experience rape fantasies.

Yet rape is horrible and scarring.

So why do women dream of being raped?

There's a lot of totally forbidden urges or desires, which we never let outside of our brains.

It's wrong to think of sex with underage Japanese school girls. But there is no shortage of media about it.

It's wrong to think of sex with animals. Doesn't stop porn of it being out there.

And then there's the really gross stuff.

Being tied up is really 'hot'.

Being hurt is really 'hot'.

And yet violence and lack of consent are considered so 'wrong'.

We are a truly strange species.

Full post on the subject. Some repeat details

First of all I know this is an adult subject but I am leaving all the details out. Despite being about an adult subject this post of mine just pg as I can make it. so I am not giving details at all... I do need some advice though
I have done a thing before that I have not really thought about at all until now. After I watched a certain video which is nsfw but not really above pg-13. I saw a character do the exact thing I do though. I will say a statement with the entention of telling someone {or my voices because I am scizophrenic} that this is something that the {add kink scenario here} would be a horrifying experience. I will even genuinely mean it would be one of the scariest thing kink wise I could even think of. The thing is though my words do not line up with my tone of voice or expression at all. I am on one hand saying how horrified I am at such a thought but my voice portrays this happiness or elation/exctiment at the thought. The strange thing is. It is not even out of confusion. I get it but I don't. I am not ashamed. I just wanted to post certain details first though. It is weird. I mean I get it and don't get it exactly at the same time. I wanted to see if anyone else has this conundrum.
You see. I am an mtf transgender woman and a pansexual on at that. I don't have a type. I have a flow chart of types and type combinations. Plus personalities types that are awesome and would love to date. I can't even keep it exactly straight in my head to say the least plus I run the gamit of just wanting different experience. So why when I run scenario of me becoming a straight girly girl do I go from that okay to saying it would be so terrifying and shaking with excitement. Not literally. I mean I have thoughts about being a lesbian. there epic. not lacking in details by any stretch of the imagination. I will stop though here because I am just going to type myself in circles. i will not post the video that sent me on this tangent though.