Re: Celia's Fun Thread!!!!

[Celia Eriksson]

So, I remember putting on the old tgboards a cute section. So before my next foray into my Late Great Aunt's journeys around the globe I am doing a top ten of the most cutest animals. Feel free to add your favourites. It's time this fun thread came to life! Jokes, pics, fun topics!
1. My favourite animal on the planet. No picture of this cutey is uncute, I know, I know.... thank you....  curtseys, strokes hair and shakes head nonchalantlically like..... but I 'aint putting me on the list of cuteys.
Red Panda

.
2. The British Red Squirrel. Such a cuteykins!!!!


3. Chipmunk. An American cousin that scales the heights of cuteykinness!


4. Sea Otter. So cute! So Cuddly...… I WANT ONE!


5. British Wildcat. I love Cat, but the rule is that these cuteys must be natural cuteys!


6. Long-tailed Titmouse. They fly in cute little gangs of five to thirty birds from bush to tree to bush, finding stuff to eat. Cuuuuuuuuuuuuute!!!!


7. Skunk. Well, the perfume choice is all wrong, but they sure are cute balck and whiteyness type cuteys….


8. Dormouse. Such cute little sweeties!


9. Crested Titmouse. American cousin of the long-tailed. Real cuteys among the Pine!


10. Oh of course, the Opossum! That Michaela says 'aint cute!!!!!!! Well, I really don't know what the world is coming to sometimes!!!!!!!!!

[Guest]

Haha Celia! I just discovered this and haven't taken the time yet to read through all this but the pics alone are worth the price of admission!

[Angelic]

Nice pics. Reminds me of hearthstone.

[MichaelaSJ]

10. Oh of course, the Opossum! That Michaela says 'aint cute!!!!!!! Well, I really don't know what the world is coming to sometimes!!!!!!!!!

Just wait until you find one in your kitchen going through the cat food

They don't do 'cute' well as adults.

[Celia Eriksson]

Possums, Opossums whatever. So Miki, those little cuties would not rummage through my bins! Coz, I'd make them all supper! They are super dooper cuteykins!

Well, I have a little time between shifts. I went into my loft and picked up the first of thousands of journals that I found. Yes, we are still on journal number one of 1,363 journals! I sorted through the hundreds of thousands of photos from that age too!

So it would appear that my Great Aunt Celia chugged into Venice after a short stay at Rome on The Good Ship Kangaroo. She stayed at Luigi's hotel and soon two Italian men were sitting at her breakfast table, the first morning of her stay.

"I am Luigi and this is Toni." Luigi said. "May we join you for breakfast, it is so busy here!"
Great Aunt Celia looked at the empty tables surrounding her table. Being polite, she accepted the offer.

"Thank you! Grazi, grazi!" Toni said and turned to his friend. "I'd like to lay on the beach today!"
"Oh." Great Aunt Celia said. "I never knew there were beaches in Venice!"
"There isn't, not here anyway. He means he would like to lay upon y...." Luigi chuckled. "His English is not good!"

"You Italians." She replied. "I can never understand you, I guess it's very hard for you!"
"Hehe!" Toni laughed. "I think I like your innuendo!"
"Well." Great Aunt Celia pondered. "Oh, you naughty man. Yes well, I see what you mean, it was a bit of innuendo I guess."
"No." Toni said. "I mean I like to be in your innuendo!"
"But, I don't understand."
"You have a great ass!" Toni licked his lips. He took a coin from his pocket and began spinning it in the air and catching it in his teeth. "You like this?"
"It's a very clever trick." Great Aunt Celia dropped her spoon in awe and accidentally nudged the table. "Oops!"

Toni swallowed the coin and began choking! Great Aunt Celia and Luigi began panicking and called out for help. A man came rushing across the dining room, made Toni stand up, grabbed his testicles and kept squeezing very hard for twenty seconds! He then pushed Toni back and kicked him very hard in the unmentionables! Five times!

The coin popped out! The man then calmly placed the coin in Great Aunt Celia's hand, kissed her cheeks sloppily and cheekily, then went back to his table and opened a newspaper, without a single word.

Toni looked at the coin in amazement and the trio walked over to the man.
"That was amazing!" Great Aunt Celia said, pushing down the top of the man's newspaper. "Are you a Doctor?"
"No." The man replied, I am a tax collector!"

The trio sat down and enjoyed their nosh! Afterwards Luigi and Toni insisted on showing Great Aunt Celia around Venice. Well, she quite liked Luigis, so she agreed.

As they walked around, Toni and Luigi bought her lots of gifts, they had wads of money!
"What business are you in." She asked after yet another gold bracelet was bought for her. "You are both most generous!"
"I'm a handyperson." Luigi declared. "I fix things, I fixa the taps, the watches, the clocks, the electrics. I fixa the televisions, the radios. I fixa the air-conditioning. I fixa anything!"
"Ooh, you are so clever! How about you Toni?"
"I fixa things too. I'm very rich!"
"What kinda things do you fixa, I mean fix?"
"I fixa the horses, the football matches, the boxing...."

"Oh, I see." Great Aunt Celia looked a little despondent.
"What is wrong?" Luigi asked her.
"I wanted to see Rome. But the boat kept sailing to Venice. I'm disappointed."
"We take you to Rome!" Luigi said. "We go this afternoon! I go back to the spaghetto and get our things!"

Soon a Fiat pulled up outside the hotel and they were on their way, it floated down the canals and made for the roads.
"What does F.I.A.T. stand for?" Great Aunt Celia asked, as the little car broke down for the 53rd time. "I've always wondered."
"It stands for fixa it again Toni!" Luigi laughed.

"It's amine!" Toni shouted.
"Yes, I know it's yours." Luigi said. Just fix it!"
"No it's a mine right there!"
"A mine in Venice?" Great Aunt Celia asked. "Noooooooo."
"Oh yes, my Great Uncle Bertoli hit one last week!"
"Did it kill him?"
"No, he just pasta way!"

After the mine blew up the Fiat, they sailed to Rome and Toni promised Great Aunt Celia that they would see the Pope on the balcony thingy.

They stayed in a little boarding house, where the large landlady known as Mooma Mia took a shine to Great Aunt Celia.
Now Great Aunt Celia had grown fond of Luigi and tapped upon his door. She went in and Luigi was there on his bed, topless. She ran down the stairs to Momma Mia who was in her kitchen making an egg dish.
"Oh, Momma Mia!" She squealed. "I just saw Luigi with his shirt off, he has a mega-hairy chest!"
"Real men do!" Momma Mia assured her. "It's nice to run your fingers through! Oh, and so you're going back. I see!"
"Oh Momma Mia here I go again!"

She ran up the stairs and went into Luigi's room. He'd removed his trousers! Great Aunt Celia ran back down the stairs.
"Momma Mia! He has very, very, hairy legs! I've never seen such hairy legs!!!!"
"Well, that's a good thing!" Momma Mia told my Great Aunt. "It's nice to have hairy legs bristling between yours!"
"I'm sure it is!"
"Off you go again! Momma Mia laughed. "Playing around!"

"It's the name of the game!"
Great Aunt Celia bundled back up the stairs and went back into Luigi's room. He was exactly the same. No change. Great Aunt Celia looked at Luigi's feet. One of his feet only had two and a half toes!
Great Aunt Celia scrambled down the stairs!
"Oh Momma Mia! Luigi has got a foot and a half!"
"Out of my way child!" Momma Mia said scrambling up the stairs.
"Oh."

Well after a while the trio were tucking into a special dish prepared by Momma Mia, in honour of a past pope. It was ex-Benedict.

It was early evening and they were off to see the Pope. Momma Mia told Great Aunt Celia she could borrow one of her Daughter's fine dresses, as Luigi declared he'd fulfil his promise they went to the Vatican. She did not like the dress, but wore it for Momma Mia.

As they approached the square thingy place, Great Aunt Celia was recognised by many of the Romans. Luigi and Toni were surprised.
"It's because I am a famous explorer, spy and expert in lots of stuff!" She explained humbly quietly. "I'm famous!!!!!"
"Noooooo you are not!"
"Oh yes I am!"

Just then a Swiss Guardsman grabbed Great Aunt Celia and whisked her away to the Pope's lodging. Luigi and Toni were left on their own in the square place thingy, apart from another 50,000 people.

The Pope greeted her.
"Hey Celia baby!" The Pope said.
"Hi Popey baby!" She replied.
"Where did ya get that awful bloody dress!" He asked.
"I was gonna ask ya the same question!"
"Oh this?" Popey looked at his cassock. "I'm going on the balcony that looks over thingy Square! You can join me!"

Well the crowd erupted as the duo went out on to the balcony that overlooks wotsit square. They all lunged forward and soon Toni had lost Luigi in the raucous. Now Toni being short sighted and vain and having left his new invention of contact lens at home, he asked a man who was on the balcony.

"Who is that on the bloody balcony that overlooks thingybob square?" Toni asked.
"I don't know who the guy in the white dress is." The man said. "But the hot babe in the awful  dress is Celia Eriksson!"



And so her adventures continued! More from Journal number one soon! We are not even an eighth the way through the first book yet!

[Celia Eriksson]

So anyway, Popey Babey asked Great Aunt Celia to go to Tennessee as he had baked a Cherry Cake for his Aunt Fransesca and wanted it delivered.

So landing in New York after a bumpy voyage upon the Good Ship Kangaroo, she made for the railway station. Waiting for the train she befriended a friendly, plump Marmalade Cat as the train puffed and choked into the station.

Oh dear! She thought. I don't know if this is my Tennessee train or not!

Well, luckily the friendly Marmalade Cat told her it was and she boarded the train. As the train chugged away, the ticket inspector came along and asked for her ticket.

"I saw you just make the train, young lady, you were very lucky to have caught it!"
"Yes, I was not sure it was the right train, but luckily the Catknewthechoochoo."
"Erm, yes ok. Norwegian are you?"
"Yes, however did you know!"

After 900 yards the train derailed. A crew of men with levers jumped off the train and put it back on.

At the first stop, a fine dressed Yankee man boarded the train and sat opposite my Aunt. Great Aunt Celia blushed and smiled and looked as cute as she possibly could, which was unprecedented in the cuteness arena. But the Yankee closed his eyes and kept putting up his hand and shaking his head. Great Aunt Celia got a little frit and the cuteness waned, just a tiny bit.

Finally the man opened his eyes and drew a deep breath, the train was approaching the next station. He smiled at her.

"Ma'am." He doffed his top hat. "Going far?"
"Tennessee and then on for a liccle holiday in Californy with two sureshot friends." She held a finger to her chin. "I noticed that you kept throwing your arm just now and shaking your head. I am sorry to ask, but you seem quite sane. Why did you do that?"
"Oh, I like to tell myself jokes as I ride the train. But, I have to remind myself when I have already heard them."
"Ah. That makes very good sense." Great Aunt Celia confirmed.
"Shame you are going down south." The Yankee man smiled. "Quite a shame."
"Why?"
"Coz I am having a great party tonight. There will be lots of wine and dancing, then lots of hugging and kissing and petting and other stuff. You would have a memorable time!"
"Oh." Great Aunt Celia sighed. "I suppose I could make a little detour. What does one wear at such a party in the Yankee lands?"
"That does not matter!"
"Really?"
"There would only be the two of us there!"
"Sir! Really!"
He jumped off at Doodle Junctyion. Then the train derailed after 800 yards. The crew jumped off with their lever type thingys and put the train back on.

The train rattled on and seemed quite slow. Great Aunt Celia made her way to the dining car and ordered tea and jam sandwiches. As she tucked in to the epicureal feast, a train dashed past her choo choo. She could see lots of men in trilby's with cards in the ribbon, they had notebooks and cameras out. Her eyes hurt as flashes from the cameras filled her coach. Then her train clunked and cllnked and derailed. The crew jumped out and put it back on.

"Waiter!" She called. "Waiter!"
"Yes Ma'am?" Bert the waiter asked. "What can I do for you?"
"I was told this was the fast train to Tennessee, but that train was going much quicker. I paid two dollars extra." She showed the waiter her ticket. "Why?!"
"Oh Ma'am, that was the fast train that just went past, the newspaper people go on that one now, they used to get this train." The waiter gave her the ticket back. "You my cuteness, have bought the ex-press ticket."
"Exactly! So why, why. why, why?!" She stamped her feet, loudly. "Why, why, why!"
"Oh, you are Norwegian, are you not?"
"Yes! Why do people keep saying that?"

After her tasty treat she had a nap. She woke to see the men outside again, putting the train back on. The ticket inspector happened past.
"Oh, excuse me!" Great Aunt Celia called. "Ticket thingy man!?"
"Yes Ma'am?" The ticket inspector said. "What can I do for you?"
"Just how many times has this train derailed?"
"Don't know Ma'am. It's hard to keep track."
"Oh." Great Aunt Celia whispered to herself. "Ticket inspectors, you've got to hand it to them."

Anyway. After 27 days she was in the South and a cowboy type man got on and sat opposite her. As the train gave steam, she fluttered her eyelashes at him. A noticeable bump appeared in his jeans and soon he'd unbuttoned it and out it popped. The cowboy was sitting there, a-wanking!

"Oh my!" Great Aunt Celia said, trying not to look away. "What are you doing?"
The man calmly pulled a pick from his bag and rubbed his long thick thingy against it.
"Oh! Great Jumping Jehoshaphat! I asked you Sir, what are you doing?"
"Just that I like to climb axe Ma'am."
"That is quite a specimen!" She gushed. "I've never seen such a whopper before!"
"Yes, my unmentionable was in the Guiness Book of World Records."
"Really? Coz it is so long and thick and big and... oh my."
"No, but the librarian told me to take it out."
"Oh."
"But." The cowboy type person said. "It's not all good ya'll know."
"How's that then?"
"It's a bit like a Chinese puzzle."
"How can your thingy be compared to a Chinese puzzle?"
"The more you play with it, the harder it gets!"

Well, soon Great Aunt Celia saw the cowboy come to a sticky ending and she realised the train was pulling into her station. The married Engineer winked at her as she walked past the engine, he'd lost his esteem. She made her way to Nankipoo village to find the Pope's Aunt's house.



And her adventures continued!!!!

[Angelic]

This whole thing sounds like some weird, R-rated Beatles movie.

[Celia Eriksson]

This whole thing sounds like some weird, R-rated Beatles movie.

Except, nobody has heard of the Beatles....

[Celia Eriksson]

Well, I was having a HUGE sort out today and I happened another yet another trunk of my Great Aunt Celia's journals, that makes 267 volumes, each with 1,942 pages and 267,339 photographs!!!!!

In 1902 Great Aunt Celia travelled to Cleethorpes and on the way met a friendly Cat called Jojo, she encountered a nasty lady called Gertrude who shouted obscenities at little Jojo. Anyway, she stopped at a farmhouse, where three men lived, Ted, Fred and Bert and fell asleep.
When she awoke after a storm type thing, she was standing on a pink path, the path stretched miles into the distance.

A real McNasty type Witch flew past and landed next to her.
"I am going to get you my pretty and your pussy too!"
"Sorry, I don't like other women."
"Hahahahahaha!" The Gertrude looking type Witch laughed and flew away.
Great Aunt Celia started to cry, "Jojo, I don't think we're in Cleethorpes anymore."

Suddenly a Scarecrow wearing a huge medal spoke to her.
"Hello!" The Scarecrow said. "Do you wanna fuck?"
"Not really." Great Aunt Celia replied. "I'm Celia and I'm terribly lost."
"Pull yourself together girl! I'm Scarecrow."
"No, I mean I'm lost, I don't know where I am!"
"Oh."

"What's that big thing hanging round ya neck then?"
"It's my MBE! The Queen of England gave me it!"
"Liar, liar pants afire! Why would the Queen of England give a Scarecrow a medal?"
"Coz I'm outstanding in my field!"
"Oh, fair enough."

"I voted for Mr. Frump!" The Scarecrow announced. "So I want to see the Great Wizard of Cleethorpes to see if I can get a brain! Hey Celia perhaps the Wizard can show you the way home!"
"Do ya think so?"

"Yes, we can give it a try. Let's go down the Pink Brick Road!"
"I'm hungry, can't we eat first?" She rubbed her tum tum.
"Not me, I'm stuffed!"
"Well I know that!" She screamed.

"I could unstuff me a little, if ya like?"
"No, that's just clutching at straws. Let's go!"
"Oh, too late I've just pulled it all out."
"This is the last straw!" She said. "How are you going to walk now?"
"Well, ya could stuff me."
"I never do that, ever!"
"No, with the straw."
"Oh. Ok."

So off they went down the Pink Brick Road and saw the Sapphire City in the distance, but first they had to go through the woods. They encountered a statue, a man made of metal. Luckily Great Aunt Celia had an oil can in her handbag and she oiled his joints.

"Thank you!" The tin man said. "I've been in some pickles, but that was the worst, it rained and I rustied up. If ya squirt a bit down there, I can fuck ya if ya like?"
"Erm, I've run outta oil. Well, nice to meet you anyway, I am Celia and this is Scarecrow. Tell me, what other pickles have you been in then?"
"Well I got run over by a steam roller, I was foiled."
"Oh. How did ya get back to yourself then."
"Oh, tin can. Where are you two going then?"
"To see the Wizard. A brain for the Republican Scarecrow and a map for me."
"I could do with a heart, it got squidged by the steam roller."
"Ok."

So they carried on when a big Lion jumped out of the bushes! He was dressed very well with a cravat and all. He was a Dandelion.
"Ruuuuuuh!"
"Your fly is undone." Great Aunt Celia noticed.
"Don't hit me, don't hit me!" The Lion cowered."
"Oh you pussy. We won't hit you. I'm Celia, this is Scarecrow and Tinman."
"Well, just saying, don't hit me! Anyway.... what ya lookin' down there for! I have'nt even offered to fuck ya yet!"
"Oh my."

"Well, I'm very hungry." The Lion continued. "And it's Chewsday!"
"No, it's Friday. Fish only, so pooh to you!"
"I can't catch my food. I need Courage!"
"Well if ya drink beer, of course ya won't catch anything, too drunk!"
"You're not from round here, are you?" Scarecrow said.
"No, I''m from Maine." He rubbed his hairy tum tum. "I haven't eaten for ages and my last meal gave me the trots!"
"What was it?" Tinman asked.
"Well, it was a clown from the circus. I thought it tasted a bit funny at the time. Oh, what I'd give, even for a chocolate chimp cookie!"

"Come with me." Great Aunt Celia said.
"Well I don't know if I can get my timing right, I might get too excited....."
"No, I mean come with me, we are gonna see the Wizard, he'll give you some beer."
"Eh?"
Anyhoo, they set off for the city and Great Aunt Celia woke up. She was still in Cleethorpes. "Oh my, what a nightmare." She told herself. "Still here! I suppose I best get a train outta here!"

[Celia Eriksson]

My Fantastical Superbical Bumper Christmas Cracker 2018!

So it was in the winter 0f 1895, that my Great Aunt Celia was doing her superbical expedition type stuff near the North Pole. She made the journey with her best friends Miki the Americane gunslinger and Sureshot Jess the Americane Lady of the Flyover States. Great Aunt Celia's other best friends, Lesley and D'Arcy met them later in the Artic via the top of Canada. Angel flew there as Angels do!!!

Well, the Norwegian and the Americanes went to the very top of Norway and happened upon one of Karl Marx's best friends, Olaf, a rare thing, a Norwegian Communist!
"Hi Olf!" Great Aunt Celia said. "These are my Americane friends, Miki and Jess!"
"Go away! Clear off!" Olaf said in awful fashion! "Ruddy capitilists! Go home Yankees!"
"How horrid you are!" Jess said. "We will continue on Celia!"
But it started to precipitate. Miki was unsure whether it was rain.
"I think it is snowing actually." Miki declared. "It's not rain!"
"No that is rain!" Jess assured her. "Not snow, my dear."
"Ask Olaf, he will know!" Aunt Celia screamed, unecessarily. "He knows everything!"
"No way!" Miki said. "Not that obnoxious Communist!"
"Then I will ask!" Great Aunt Celia shouted and ran back to Olf. "Olaf my dear, is this rain or snow?"
"It's rain, now go away, ya Tromso twit!" Olaf said.
"Well?" Miki asked. "What did your nasty Communist freind say?"
"He said it's rain, and trust me, #Rude Olaf The Red Knows Rain Dear!#"

So on they went and hired a dog sled to the coast where they hopped aboard The Good Ship Kangaroo to take them to the Artic shelf. Soon they happened upon Santa's house. Rein were trotting around outside the huge log cabin, all females! And all with smiles upon their faces! Great Aunt Celia recognised Pearl the Rein and aked her why they were all so incredibily happy.
"Well, when the boys are away" Pearl began.  "We go into town and blow a few bucks!"
"Ooh yes, I know what you mean!" Great Aunt Celia declared, gleefully!
"Yes, I pulled a cracker tonight!" Pearl added.

In Santas yard an Elf, Buckberry, was hauling a large Christmas tree into position.
"Oh." Great Aunt Celia wondered. "Are you going to stick that up yourself?"
"No I am not!" The Elf protested. "How rude Celia! I am putting it up right here, without my person, if you please!"

Great Aunt Celia sheepishly knocked on the door.  Santa answered to see the three beautiful women at his door.
"God Jul!" Great Aunt Celia shouted, very loudly!
"Ho ho ho!" He chuckled.
"We are three respectable women, actually!" Miki said. "How dare you cast aspersions!"
"Oops, sorry!" Santa said. "Well come in!"
Great Aunt Celia waggled her bum as she entered the great log cabin.
"I see you still mince, spy!" Santa said.
"Yes, please." Great Aunt Celia said, eagerly.
"What?" Santa asked.
"I'll have a mince pie!"

Lesley and Angel were at the table, making very good friends. D'Arcy was chatting with Adam when Eve walked in.
"Hi Eve, Merry Christmas!" D'Arcy said. "Do have some sherry!"
"Oh, no thanks." Eve said.
"But please do!"  Lesley called over. "It's Christmas, Eve, eh!"
"Well actually it's Christmas Day!" Adam said.
"What?" D'Arcy said.

"Ah, here is Mrs. Christmas!" Jess noticed. "Hello, how nice to meet you! You look so very well!"
"Thank you!" Mrs. Christmas said. "I've been in bed, waiting for Santa to come. But he is getting very old now. He only empties his sack in other people's homes now!"
"How sad." Jess said. "But I heard that he fiels Celia's stockings and has been up her flue a few times!"
"And he knows where all the naughty girls live too!" Miki added.
"I've been asking Mrs. Claus what she wants for Christmas!" Santa coughed, changing the subject nervously. "But she has not made her mind up yet!"
"Surprise me!" Mrs. Claus said. "Anyway, I'll get the mince pies!"
Santa suddenly climbed under the table. Mrs. Claus came back with a large plate of pies and custard.
"Surprise!" Santa jumped out and the pies went everywhere!
"Oh Nicholas, that is not what I meant!" Mrs. Claus shouted.

Just then Colonel and Mrs. Hall walked in.
"Hello Colonel and Mrs. Hall!" Angel said. "Nice to see ya!"
"You too Angel!" The Halls said in unison. "My, it's always so magical here!"
Just then a very pretty Elf called Holly walked in. Soon she was enamoured with Angel, Mrs. Hall and Colonel Hall too!! Before long all of them were on the floor! Holly was leaning forward for everyone!!!!
"What s going on here!" Mrs. Claus declared. "This is a house of repute!"
"Awww. Leave them alone!" Santa declared. "You know it's Christmas Day and why not Deck the Halls with Bows of Holly!"

The cabin was indeed magical. Buckberry came in and declared that the tree was ready, Santa peeked out the window.
"Mmmm. Your baubles are a little low!" He said.
"Well, it's these green tights! I did say I was size eight! These are more like 14's!"
"Oh mercy!" Santa said. "Buckberry, take that baseball bat outta ya tights, we are amongst friends! Now ladies, what about some Christmas Dinner whilst you are here! Duck A' L'Orange!"
"Duck?" Miki asked. "At Christmas?"
"Yes!" Santa affirmed. "Worry not, it's a Christmas Quacker!"
"But surely Turkey?" Lesley exclaimed. "Not Duck!"
"It comes from a can." Santa said.
"Ewwwww!" The six girls ewwed in unison.
"But it's been soaked in sherry!"
"Ewwwww!" The six girls ewwed, in unison, again."
"And whiskey and rum!" Santa added. "Oh and it's carbonated too!"
"Ewwwww!"
"But I thought it would make Celia's friends feel at home!" Santa scratched his head. "It's a merry can!"
"Ah!" Lesley declared. "But we are NOT American! Gotcha Santa, eh?"
"I did say it was carbonated!" Santa said.
"What's that gotta do with it!?" D'Arcy asked.
"Can-ade...ian!" Santa said triumphantlly!
"Oh ok." Miki said and everyone enjoyed a delicious dinner and there was a vegan menu too!!!!!!

After dinner much frivolity and games like charades was had. Mrs. Claus remarked about Angel's hair.
"It is so long and lovely!" She said.
"But frayed a little at the ends!" Angel complained.
"Singe it!" Mrs. Claus said. "Ya won't lose much length!"
"How will I know you 'aint singed too much off!" Angel said. "I like it long!"
"I can use a stick and mark the length now and after singeing, I can show you, ya have not lost length." Mrs. Claus said. "I do it often!"
"Not too sure!" Angel wisely said.
"Well." Santa Claus interupted. "Mark The Hair Rod, Angel Singe!"
Anyway, Angel declined, and quite rightly so! Have you seen Thora Claus' hair lately????? The Easter Bunny told me she burnt her ears last week! I guess she's not bad at 2,018 years old though!

"So Celia?" Santa asked. "Do you still want that liccle doggy for Christamas?"
"Ooh yes please!!!!" Great Aunt Celia squealed.
"Well, remember my girl, dogging is just not for Christmas, it's all year round and I only work one night a year girl!"
"Nicholas!" Mrs. Claus screamed. But soon muchly fun was had by all!!!!
And so ended that wonderful Christmas..... and now, it's:

Quiz time!!!

CELIA'S BUMPER CHRISTMAS LATERAL THINKING QUIZ!

So ya have to think laterally for this. Outta the box!!!!  Post ya answers if ya dare!!! I think I remember all theseten quizzically quanaundrummy type questies right, but if I make a boboo, then sorry,.... it is Christmas! But I rarely make mistikes.

1. Two trains. Great Aunt Celia is on the one that leaves Boston at 4pm and travels 100 miles north to New York at 50mph.... (I know, sorry, but in this it's 100 miles!). Now the second train with Auntie Artemisia on board goes the other way. It leaves New York at 1pm, but is travelling south at 33.33 recurring miles per hour for the 100 miles to Boston. Q. When they meet, which train will be furthest from Boston?

2. The Great George Bush is in heaven now. When he got there, the great and good were having a sauna party with just towels on, barely covering their naughty bits only. There were many thousands there of course, cluding Great Aunt Celia who he instantly knew, of course. But many faces he did not recognise as their true features were unknown in his time. But George knew who Adam and Eve was, before being introduced. How did he know it was them?

3. The police were given a tip about a jelly bean thief on the run by Great Aunt Celia. They got the info from my Aunt by bribing her with a half eaten jelly baby. All the police knew was that he was called Peashooter Percy. Great Aunt Celia told the police that he was playing cards, Old Maid, at a known location. When the police busted the game there were four at the card table. A Doctor, a Soldier, a Deliveryman and a Grocer. The Police arrested the Deliveryman, no questions asked. How did they know it was the Deliveryman that was the jelly bean thief?

4. Two men, friends of the earth and like Great Aunt Celia and my goodly self, lovers of animals, are walking together. "You hit that Eagle very well!" The first man, Bert said. Bert then replied to the second man, Woodrow, (known as Woody to his friends), "Not as well as you hit that fine bird!" Why are these animal lovers making such comments?????

5. You are driving past a bus stop. There are three people at the Bus Stop. Old Great Aunt Celia, now 157 years old, she  is clearly in trouble and possibly having a heart attack. Also at the stop is your very best and most trusted friend. Thirdly at the Bus Stop is the most drop dead gorgeous buff, handsome, tall, dark, slim, athletic muscly man/woman, (delete where applicable all genders.... ok, ok!... and descriptions!)), you have ever seen and as you slow, he/she winks at you!!! You are driving a Midget with just one passenger seat. You can only take one passenger! What on earth is the best course of action to make the best of the situation?

6. What has 4 legs in Spring, 2 legs in Summer, 3 legs in Autumn and no legs in Winter?
-
7. Oddvar II, Great Aunt Celia's second son bought an oil lamp in Tromso market. When he got home, he rubbed it and cut his fingers! He throws it down and the oil lamp squealed.... "Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!"
"Oh dear!" Oddvar exclaimed. "I'm sorry!"
"That's ok." The oil lamp said. "I was not working, but you jarred my thingy stringy bit on the whatsitcalled. Now I am working! I am very happy, you can have a wish! Anything you wnat, I say, anything you want!"
"I don't know what to wish for. Can I ask my family?"
"Yes!" The oil lamp replied succinctly.
So Oddvar went to ask his Mother Great Aunt Celia. "Mummy, dear Mummy. Pray do tell. What is the one thing you'd wish for, over all others, beloved Mater?"
"Go away ya little sod. I'm painting me toenails!"
"No Mummy. I truly wish to know. What would you wish for. Please Mama, if you should behold but one wish."
"Ya mean, apart from chuckin' out all the manky old oil lamps ya gotten piled up around your filthy bedroom?" Great Aunt Celia replied. She thought for a moment, looked up held a gaze and looked quite beautiful and stoic for a while, a glow shimmered across her chin. "I have nearly lost my sight my dearest Oddvar, I'm not long for this world my dear. But I would be most grateful to be able to see clearly again son."
Oddvar II went to his wife, Gunnhilda. "Darling, what is the one thing you'd wish for?"
"To have  a child! A boy! You are always polishing those rotten old oil lamps in bed! It's time you started polishing something else. or I'm off with the snow plough!"
"I'm sure I don't know what you mean!" Oddvar protested.
So Oddvar went to consult his Father, Oddvar I.
"Ee, so it's the Big Girl's Blouse is it?" His Father said. "What do you want, prancing around in ya tight trousers with ya fat arse hanging out, ya great moonboots and ya frilly shirt, ya great fucking Jesabel!?"
"My darling Papa. I was whimsically wondering, if you could have but just one wish, what would it be, pray tell me dear Pater."
"Money! And lots of it! Ta get away from you, ya useless pile of pig manure and ya daft Mother. Now piss off!"
"Thank you Pater. I do appreciate our sincere conversations. I'll close the door slowly."
Well Oddvar went back to the oil lamp. What did Oddvar II wish for, to placate all of his family's wants?
-
8. A married couple in a car. The man is driving very quickly... very very quickly and he is very tense. He jumps out of the car and locks his wife in. He comes back with someone else. He is amazed. There is a stranger that he has never met in the car with his wife. The car has not been broken into and the wife has not opened the doors or windows. How?

9. Three baby rabbits from Thailand. Phak, Siki and Tuk. What is the Mother's name.

10. Great Aunt Celia gives a book to the man behind the counter and pays him 45 øre . The man takes the book and does not raise an eyebrow or think twice as Great Aunt Celia leaves without the book. Why?

Ten out of ten gets a free Unicorn ride!!!!!

Finally, once again, my favourite Carol, sung by firstly a womens' choir and then a mixed choir, both southern choirs from my ancestral home. We sing this best. Glade Jul, god jul. x
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1VAy92Fw8vc
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-h8SYYGFTp4



God Jul og godt nytt år.

Celia xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Celia Eriksson]

25.12.2018!!!! Bumped up for Christmas!!!! ************************************

Hooray it's Christmas!!!!!!!!!

Boooooooo! I have to work a twelve hour shift and am up now, it's 4.30 in the morning!!!!!

[MichaelaSJ]

God Jul og godt nytt år

And a merry Christmas and happy New Year to you, too. Please be safe during the holidays and stay warm in your home.

Miki

[Celia Eriksson]

Oops, nearly edited your mail there Miki!!!! I hit edit instead of reply!!!!!!! I remember I did that by mistake once!!!!!


Anyway thank you and hope ya can work out the fun quiz, when ya have time!!! Celia xx

[Celia Eriksson]

Well, I was gonna post the answers by now! But as nobody has attempted my superbical quiz, I'll leave ya hangin! No! Shan't tell! My nose is turned up into the air...… shan't bother next year...

[Celia Eriksson]

Answers: Coz nobody even bothered.....

1. Both trains are the same distance away when they meet.

2. Adam and Eve were the only people at the party without belly buttons, navels....

3. Because the name was masculine, of course the deliveryman was the jelly bean thief... the others were all transgender or cis women!

4. They were, of course, playing golf.

5. You give the keys to your 2 seater midget to your trusted friend. You tell her to take Great Aunt Celia to hospital as quickly as possible. You then join the hunk at the bus stop that winked at you and spend the rest of the day in bed...... and night...… then cook his breakfast!

6. A human life. Four legs crawling is Spring.... Two legs walking is Summer..... Three legs Autumn with a stick. … No legs, dead... Winter!

7. Oddvars wish was for his Mother to see her Grandson rocking in a cot made of pure gold.

8. The man's wife gave birth in the car.

9. Yes? So? 'What is the Mother's name.' So the Mother's name is 'What'. That is a statement, not a question! Fnished with a full stop or period, not a question mark (?). What is the answer.

10. Great Aunt Celia is, of course returning her overdue library book and has a fee to pay!

Well no Unicorn Rides for anyone! Just one answer would have won the quiz!!!! Celia

[Celia Eriksson]

Well, I have a little time on my hands this weekend, I've been doing all my housework and have my ironing left to do. But first, I grabbed the journals of my illustrious Great Aunt Celia and opened the page randomly!

It appears that in 1888, Great Aunt Celia was in the USA again, she went west and soon found herself working as a singer in a little town called Burpem. The saloon was a lively one apparently, with lots of card games and hunky cowboy type men at the bar drinking whiskey and that.

But, the Sherrif, English Bob, was a bit of a scaredy Cat and a real baddy called Fred McNasty seemed to have the run of the town, he wore two pearl handled .45s strapped to his legs tied with ribbon at the top of his leges, he was bow legged.

One day Great Aunt Celia was singing when the doors swung open violently, the piano stopped accompaniment, but Celia kept singing, she was such a professional...

At the door stood Shorty McShort the infamous smallholer robber.
"OK, which clown painted my horse purple?" Shorty asked.
"Twas I" McNasty said, placing his hands firmly upon his precious pearls. "Why do you want to know, McShort?"
"Oh." McShort shivered. "The first coat is dry!"

McShort disappeared and the piano started again. Great Aunt Celia took her break and sat at a table and was served by the bartender Bert, with a fine Raspberry juice. Mc Nasty took a seat at the table next to Great Aunt Celia's and licked his lips. Great Aunt looked at her watch intently.

"Why are ya lookin' at ya watch, when ya can look at me?" McNasty enquired.
"Oh it's a telepathic watch." Great Aunt Celia replied. "It tells me what people nearby are thinking. It's telling me that you are worried about chafing, coz you 'aint got your underpants on!"
"Ah, but I am wearing underpants, so ya best get a new watch, young lady!"
"Oh. Aunt Celia exclaimed. "It's set wrong! It's running one hour fast!"

"I think your watch will be proven right, you will be witness to that!!!" McNasty laughed.
"Do you put gunpowder in your mouth, Mr. McNasty?"
"Don't be silly, why would I do that Miss Celia?"
"Coz ya always shooting your mouth off!"

"Whoo-hoo!" McNsty laughed again. "Full of spirit aren't you tiger?"
"Raspberry actually!"
Just then a man came in and pasted a poster up a poster of Benjamin Harrison on the wall of the bar.
"Harrison?" McNasty sneered. "The biggest Horse's ass I've ever seen!"

The man went to the other side of the room and pasted a poster of Harrison and his wife, Caroline.
"Mrs. Harrison?" McNasty picked at his teeth. "Another one with the face of a Horse's ass!"
Great Aunt Celia whacked McNasty over the head five times with her pink parasol, lifted her nose and went back to her seat.

"Hey! Little lady?" McNasty stood up. "I guess this is Harrison country?"
"No, Great Aunt Celia replied. "It's Horse country!!!"

"Very good!" McNasty said. "I like your pluck, young lady!"
"Are you a real Cowboy then?"
"Well Celia, I was raised on a ranch, tending and driving cattle and mending fences and stuff. I'm a badass and fast on the draw, so yes, I'm a real cowboy!"
"I'm a real woman!" Great Aunt replied. "I think of men all the time! I dream of them in my sleep, I think of them when I sing, when I bathe, when I put my make-up on. I think of their rippling muscly bits and of their nice thingies and that!"

McNasty got up and walked awkwardly to the bar and started to sob.
"What's up Fred?" Bert the bartender asked.
"Oh my God..... I've just discovered, I'm a woman!"

"Nothing wrong with that! Embrace it" Great Aunt Celia screamed.

Well McNasty could not live that down, coz he was not as strong as us girls, so he ran upstairs to pack. Great Aunt Celia was a heroine, everyone cheered, for McNasty would never bother them again! But Great Aunt Celia felt sorry for McNasty, she went upstairs to console him.

"I'm a failure!" McNasty whined. "Now they all think I'm gay..... but I like women."
"Nothing wrong with being gay! Don't you like men too?"
"Yes Celia, I like men too!" McNasty looked down. "And some animals!"
"Really?"
"Yes, I went on a Buffalo hunt once."
"Oh."
"Yes, I stalked through the grass, then came upon this big Bull Buffalo!"
"What did you do?"
"I apologised and wiped it off with my hanky!"
"Oh dear!"

"I'm a sexual nightmare! I once fucked a wedding cake!"
"That is sad."
"Yes a right tierjerker!" McNasty looked up. "Once, I fucked a potato!"
"How did you manage to do that?"
"It was a dictator!"
"That makes sense."

"I would tell you all about my dick, but it's too long!"
Well, after inspecting the evidence closely, McNasty left Burpem and Great Aunt Celia slept that night with a big smile.

More adventures soon!

[Guest]

Aw sweetheart that's really amusing. Those pictures are so cute. I absolutely adore that picture of you with your Ted. It's so sweet.
But seriously Cee, you can write. It's quirky. Have you considered a creative writing course?
I keep re reading it. At the moment I'm working with my talented sis who is working on a book and various short stories. She's doing well but needs motivation.
I see the same in your writing.

If you are seriously interested I can point you in a couple of directions. Please don't do the woman thing of I can't possibly be in anyway talented.
I
. That pic of you in your nightie is so sweet and lovely.





.

[Celia Eriksson]

Hi Everyone!!!!

And so it was that yesterday I visited my old friend Nicholas, AKA Santa Claus! I decided to walk the last mile of the journey to the North Pole, leaving my dogs and sled behind.

As I approached the huge workshops, I saw Mortimer the Snowman decorating the great tree that stood outside.

"Hi Mortimer! You are looking good, have you been working out?" I asked. "What a six-pack!"
"They don't call me the Abdominal Snowman for nothing you know."
"Wow, what a whopper!" I squealed, looking at the tree.
"Now now, Celia, it's not my fault I'm all naked and that!" Mortimer said placing the star atop. "There, finished!"

"Oh I love Christmassy trees! You know they so much better than even men!"
"Really?" Mortimer looked puzzled. "I can't believe you truly think that!"
"Well, they stay up for 24 nights in a row, have really cute balls and look good with the lights on!"
"Celia!"

"I like you." Ferdinand, the Christmas tree boomed. "You are a funny little thing!"
"I never knew Christmas trees talk!" I was amazed. "I'll have to get you a present!"
"Presents are beneath me, Celia." Ferdinand sniffed.
"Well of course, but I will get you a special ball!" I said. "A hand made one!"
"I can make that for you, from glass." Mortimer the Snowman said. "I'm forever blowing baubles!"

"Why that's great!" I shouted, unecessarily. "You look all excited Mortimer, why is that?"
"I think I just heard a snowblower coming." Mortimer smiled.
"Oh who's being naughty now?"
"Yes your right, I am respected and I have many Chilldren. In fact my work is done, I'm off on my Bi-icicle to the Bauble making house!"

And off he went. I knocked on Santa's house but he was not there. I found him in the huge factory, overseeing production.

"Hi Nick!" I called.
"Celia! Ho, ho, ho, how nice to see you."
"This part of the factory is very curious, those Elves over there are making Train Sets and those are making lingerie. How bizarre!"
"It's the Daddy department Celia."
"Daddy department?"
"Yes, you see it's what most Daddies buy for their families, but end up playing with the presents themselves!"

"Ah, got it!" I paused, it was a Santa pause. "I remember my sister, Gunnbiorg, being given some lingerie for Christmas once!"
"Oh, do tell Celia."

"I was asked to go with Gudbjorn, her boyfriend and choose a nice pair of gloves for her present!"
"Gloves?" Santa stroked his beard. "Gloves are not..."
"Well give me a freakin' chance!!!!" I huffed. "Gudbjorn took me to the store, coz he was frightened of going into the Ladies department on his own and wanted to surprise her. We looked at the gloves and chose a nice pair of white furry cuffed ones. And whilst there, I bought a nice sexy pair of frilly knickers, a present from me to me!"

"Go on." Santa droned, unexplainedly looking quite unlike he was interested in my superbical story!

"The clerk was very busy at the counter and he gift wrapped them up real nice, but he gave us the wrong items! I gave myself furry gloves! What made it worse was when Gunnbiorg opened her present, sexy knickers, Gudbjorn had put a little note on the parcel!
It said that he hoped she liked them and would wear them as he'd noticed that whenever they went out that she never wore any, unlike her Sister!!!!  And he wrote that if they were too long, she should turn them up a bit so a bit of fur is always showing!"
"I suppose.... yawn.... that was the end of that relationship?"

"No they are still together." I walked down the huge corridor with Santa and spied only one Elf making Advent calendars.
"Oh, just one?" I asked.
"Yes, Advent calendars days are numbered."
"Makes good sense!"

"You know." Egbert the Elf said. "At this time of year I used to lay around drinking mulled wine, roasting chestnuts upon an open fire. Guess that's why I got fired from the fire department."
"Oh, ok."

A little further down I saw an Elf spitting stuff out that he was eating.
"What!!!!?" Santa cried. "Why are you eating and spitting out that jigsaw puzzle? You are supposed to be wrapping that up!"
"But." The Elf explained. "You said this jigsaw puzzle was a piece of cake!"
"Doh!" Santa sighed. "Well wrap them nicely and turn off that awful noise! I mean, what on earth is that racket?"
"Wrap music!"
"Switch it off!"

Soon everything was ready and my special bauble was presented to me in the huge Trump Hall. The bauble said he was hooked on trees and was looking forward to it!
We all sat on long benches that kept collapsing so we all stood. I asked Santa why it was called Trump Hall. He said it was coz of the fake pews. We began to sing 'Duvet Know It's Christmastime', it was a cover version.

"Jaquelinne, the pink Elf will read us a soliquillilly and then we shall all eat at my house!" Santa declared. "Make it quick Jaquelinne, I'm hungry!"
"Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse...."
"Yes, yes." Santa shouted. "I knew I should have bought a carbon monoxide detector. Let's have fun!!!!"
And fun was had by everyone!!!!!!

And do to some Christmassy music!!! First my favourite pop song of the Christmassy kind!!!



And my favourite carol again!!!





God Jul!!!!

[Tara]

[Celia Eriksson]

Hi Everyone!!!!

Just bumping these pages of merriment up for a friend, who wants to read them!!!!

I know Miki will want to read them all over, because she loved my jokes so very much!!!!!

Celia xx

[MichaelaSJ]

I know Miki will want to read them all over, because she loved my jokes so very much!!!!!
Celia xx

I do, I DO!

I have been checking in every morn and evening but the place has been silent. I have a lot to say these days but my voice is screaming about my Dear Leader and I don't want to break the silence with political stuff.

[Celia Eriksson]

And so I was having a rummage through the hundreds of journals of Great Aunt Celia's, which also amazingly contains what amounts to an almost inexhaustable supply of photographs of my dear Aunt's travels.....

In 1876, during the famous Indian wars of the Wild West, Great Aunt Celia checked into the Coyotero Hotel that was built by a certain Mr. Poopledecker right in the middle of Coyotero Apache country of the Greater Arizonas.

She queued behind a Chief type person with big feathery feathers upon his head.

"I want room!"  Crazy Bear asked.

"Do you have a reservation, Sir?" Poopledecker asked.

"Yes, big wide one. Goes into New Mexico, Silver City almost."

"No, I meant...." Poopledecker was flummoxed. "What kind of room would you like."

"One with running water!"

"She left last week!"  Poopledecker sighed. "Look, do you have  reservation?"

"I already tell you, yes!" Crazy Bear said. "It big one!"

"I speak the tongue!" Great Aunt Celia intervened. "Let me ask!"

"Yes, if you would please." Poopledecker was pleased.

"Now Mr. Crazy Bear." she started and waved her arms around a lot, "Dooo ---- you--- ha-have... a res-erv-vation?"

"Who is this silly person?" Craazy Bear asked. "I spealky the perfect Onglish!"

"What a nightmare, I have such a headache!" Poopledecker said. "Get out of my hotel now, the pair of you! out, out, out!!!!!"

Outside the hotel, the strange duo began to giggle.

"He silly man!" Crazy Bear said. "I must go home. But wait, where will you stay?"

"I don't know, I am very hungry too." Great Aunt Celia introduced herself. "Intrepid and famous I am!"

"You very cuteykin." Crazy Bear said truthfully. "My son, he need Squaw. You come with me, see if he likey!"

"Oh, I'm not ready for marriage."

"I give you big Buffalo steak for your dinny-dins?"

"Oh I love Buffalo steak!!! Did you catch it yourself Mr. Crazy Bear?"

"Caught by me. My Son help. He lay ear to ground. Soon he say 'Buffalo come!'"

"That is amazing!" Great Aunt pondered. "How did he know?"

"He got very sticky ear. Come, we be late for tepee!"

At the camp, Little Crazy Bear, a six foot three, 240 pound beefcake was painting his tepee. he was using a big bit of paper with the desogn cut out and sponging on the paint.

"How lovely!" Great Aunt Celia squealed. "Delightful!!!"

"No!" Crazy Bear cried. "Son, what are you doing? That is pink!"

"Sorry dad, but I ran out of red, so I added white. I guess it is a little pink?"

"We only use red! It scares Colonel Custardly!" He sighed. " I can lead a Norse for a Daughter, but the stencil has to be red!!!!!"

"That is silly Dad!"

"Yes it is, I guess it is being stuck five nights travelling here with the daft Norse woman, through the Great Thingy Desert." Crazy Bear turned to Great Aunt Celia. "Now go and put one of my wife's thingys with the tassles and that on, and grab a pair of the soft thingybob type soft slipper shoes. Then go into my Son's tent. Well actually, it's my old one, he is renting it from my Aunt, Running Hare who has it on loan.

It was crowded in the tent. For Little Crazy Bear's Mum had joined him as had her Mother, Grandmother, Great Grandmother and five Great Aunts. Just to make sure no hanky panky took place! His Mum had said no Pawnee here tonight! Little Crazy Bear's Great Great Grandmother was peeing into a cylindrical thing.

"It is a piss pipe deario!" She explained.

Great Aunt Running Hare was smoking a peace pipe. Great Aunt Celia edged passed the women to take her seat next to Little Crazy Bear, as she passed Running Hare, because of the crowdedyness, her bum caught Running Hair in the eye, the pipe singed Great Aunt Celia's bum.

"Ouch, ouch!" Great Aunt Celia squealed.

"Booty is in the eye of the freeholder!" Little Crazy Bear explained.

"What?" the women said in unison. For it was the first time the phrase had ever been uttered in world history in actualness of fact.

"Welcome to my tepee and my Mum, Gran, Great Gran and my six Aunts!" Little Crazy Bear said.

"It is my tepee!" Running Hare protested. "My tepee!"

"Six Aunts?" Great Aunt Celia counted the ladies. "I only see five!"

"Oh, I keep forgetting. Poor old Aunt Leaping Deer!"

"I am sorry, what happened to her then?"

"She kept brewing up. Cup after cup! We did warn her, didn't we?"

"Yes we did."The woman nodded to each over and shook there heads.

"Well that don't make sense!" Great Aunt Celia was quite bemused.

"She died in her tepee."

"Oh."

"I hear that naughty Custardly is up to his old tricks with our Cousins in Dakota." Great Aunt Springing Duck said. "I hope they Sioux him!"

"The settlers are coming. I hope they bugger off!" Little Feather said. "Not many are making it though, dropping like flies they are in their covid wagons."

"Your not a settler Dear, are you?" Little Crazy Bear's Mum asked. "I'm not having any settlers settling down with my Son!"

"No I am an intrepid and famous explorer, known throughout the wide world!!!!" Great Aunt Celia said modestly. "I have travelled over the wide oceans and all over the place!!!!!"

"Yes, of course Dear. Beryl, go get what I need to open my delicious red round, small fruit box." Little Crazy Bear's Mum beckoned Beryl and whispered the instructions to her, for the girl was quite useless. "We'll have some tasty treats in a moment."

Suddenly a strange, different looking Native American appeared.

"Beryl, you silly girl. I said get my Cherry Key!"

"Where's my Buffalo steak!" Great Aunt Celia asked politely. "I am starving!!!!!! I'll have that and then be on my way!"

"Oh no, no, no. You must at least impart what gift you have brought me!" Crazy Horse's Mum declared. "Betcha bought me nothing!!!!"

"Why in actual of fact I have! For Celia of Arabia is no meanie! I brought you something. Beryl, go down to the watering hole and bring back the beastie you will find there!!!!"

The women all went outside. Little Crazy Bear stayed behind so he could start a-wanking thinking of the beautiful Norse woman that he had just beheld."

Whilst they waited, Little Crazy Bear's Mumsy asked Great Aunt Celia how it was she was so good with beasties.

"I have a way with them. Though once I had a terrible time with a mad Horsey!"

"Oh Dear Celia, do tell." Mumsy asked.

"Well no sooner had I mounted than the mad Horsey went wild. It jinked forward and back! One moment I was on his main, then I was sitting on his tail, then I slid underneath! It carried on for ages! Back and forward jinking and jerking! I slid from his belly and was holding on to his tail for dear life!"

"How did you get out of that one?" Mumsy asked, most horrifiedical.

"Luckily, the supermarket manager came out and switched off the electricity. She called me a hooligan and told me to go away and never come back!"

"What is this electricity and supermarket? It is 1874 you know!"

"Oh yes, sorry I forgot!"

Soon Beryl was back with no less a beastie than a Hippopotamus, with a triple sided  seat strapped upon his back!

"Let's go for a ride!" Great Aunt Celia declared.

Well Great Aunt Celia sat on one side and Little Squirrel on the other and Little Feather on the other..... but Little Squirrel and Little Feather were such big, big, big... massive girls!

Once they took their seats, the Hippopotamus called Herbie set off.   Herbie lurched one way under the uneven weight! And then Herbie swerved the other way and he gyrated around until finally he keeled over and Little Squirrel plopped into a mudhole head first! Kersplush!!!!! Her frillies in the air revealing a very generous, big wobbly bum as her legs kicked in the air!!!!!

Herbie the Hippopotamus tried to gain balance but he was still carrying too much weight! Herbie did a trepidatiousical, tentative turn upon his tippy-tip-toes then jinked right , then left and keeled backwards! Tiny Feather went tits up and her huge balloons wibbled about whilst she flayed her big fat arms about as she flew through the air! Kerplop! She splatted next to her sister in the mudhole, head first!!!!! Her frillies up so all could see her massive, wibbly-wobbly bum!!!!

Crazy Bear came to the scene.

"Oh Dear!" He cried. "The Squaw on the Hippopotamus does not equal the bums of the Squaws on the other two sides!"

Great Aunt Celia saw her chance. She clicked her heels and Herbie the Hippopotamus ran like the wind and ran until they reached the mighty Colorado river hundreds of miles a way.



"Phew, that was close. But I'm still hungry!!!!!!!! Come Herbie, let's go to Kentucky!!!"
More adventures to come!!!!!!

Celia xx

[MichaelaSJ]

You are a jewel, Celia!

[Celia Eriksson]

Thank you Miki, I am so glad you like my true and real and in no way fabricicated accounts that my Great Aunt wrote of her adventures, even though that awful liar and jealous vagabond, my Great Aunt Gertie swears Great Aunt Celia never set foot outside Tromso coz of her job as a washerwoman for four Øre a day! It 'aint true!!!!

Celia xx

[Celia Eriksson]

My usual Christmassey type stuff!!!!!!!!

At little Christmas Eve, on the 23rd of December 1787, Walentyna and Embla Eriksson loaded up their little cart, to make the long journey south to their Auntie Wenche's home, where Jul was to be celebrated.

As they made their way along, Tamir, their Horsey, became more and more fatigued, for the snows were very heavy. Realising that they must soon stop, they drove into Odd's Inn, about halfway to their destination.

"Bugger!" Embla said. "I wanted to get there tonight. It's all your fault,! You spent ages looking for your fancy white stockings, as if you are gonna meet a man at Aunt Wenche's house!!!!"

"I like to be ready for all possibilities. In keeping with the situation!" Walentyna said, curtseying. "So pooh to you!"

"Well you can help me find our bathroom stuff. We've gotta spend little Christmas here at that swine Odd's hotel!!!!"

They unloaded what they needed stabled Tamir and entered the hotel.

"I'll get us some money for the stay and a jug of warming gløgg!" Wallentyna said, winking at her sister. "I'll do the frog thing!"

"Oh for the love of the Goddess Freya save us, not the Frog thing!"

"Good day ladies, how very nice to see you!" Odd Edmondsen greeted the snow covered twins. "I don't think I have had the pleasure since you sold me those yukky Seagull sandwiches a few years back!"

"Well, you can't have pushed them hard enough." Embla sniffed. "They use to fly off our cart!"

"Yes. Quite literally I'll wager." Odd pushed the sign in book forward. "How many nights?"

"Just tonight, one double, twin beds. For me my Sister and Tickles and I'd like a bath." Walentyna replied. "We're on our way to Wenche's house."

"Sorry, no bath for a while, the towel is being used. Wait a moment, did you say three names. Yourself, your Sister and where is this other person, 'Tickles'?"

"Here he be!" Walentyna took Tickles from her pocket. A little light brown Hamster, the very first in Europe in actuality of factfullness. "This is my Tickles!"

"You cannot keep a Rat in my hotel!" Odd squealed. "Take it away, or you can all go!"

"Silly man!" Embla waved Odd's protests down whilst leaning on the bar. "It's a pet, not a Rat, have you ever seen a Rat like that? Look, it's cute."

"Wow, I have never seem the like!" An old man sitting nearby at the bar said. "I am Harald ladies, pleased to meet you. I can say that I am sure Mr. Odd, that is not a Rat."

"I'm not so sure." Odd protested. "Anyway, I don't like the idea of it being here!"

"It is a very talented pet." Walentyna said. "Just you watch this Odd."

Walentyna let Tickles go from her hand and the Hamster ran to the piano, hippety-hopping across the keys and played Beethoven's Egmont overture, that was top of the pops at that very time!

"Why that is amazing!" Odd said. Odd thought for a moment that the Hamster could make him a fortune. People would come from miles around to see him play the piano! "Yes, he can stay. Have you ever thought of selling Tickles? I will give you 500 øre for him!!!"

"He is a she!" Walentyna said, nonchalantly. "I am afraid that is not possible. But here I have Mr. Lippett. Walentyna produced a Frog from her pinny pocket. "Just listen to this!"

Mr. Lippet jumped on the bar, cleared his Froggy throat and sang Die Alte by Mozart, number 2 in the hit parade of that very year!!!!! He sang beautifully. The entire Hotel staff and guests stood silent as the Frog hypnotised them with sheer beauty of voice.

"Oh my!" Odd sighed. "I must have that Frog!"

"You understand, he can only sing one song every week!" Walentyna said. "Or he will never sing again!"

"Oh, yes, just one song a week will make me a fortune..... ate man indeed!" Odd replied. "How much?"

"500 øre, a whole night stay free and a large jug of gløgg and two big roasty dinners and five cobnuts for Tickles!!!" Embla said. "We'll be over there. "Please look after Mr. Lippet!"

Harald the man at the bar was stunned. He went over to the twins.

"You must be mad!" Harald said. "That Frog would make you a fortune!"

"You a snitch?" Embla asked. "Eh? You a grass?"

"Er, no, I never grass!" Harald promised, watching as a huge woman entered the bar..

"Well that Frog can't sing. It was the Hamster, he's a ventriliquist!"

"Oh."

Harald left the bar and went to go home, but soon he was back!

"Ladies, ladies, is the black/bay stallion in the stable yours?" Harald puffed.

"Why yes. That is Tamar, but he is bay!" The twins replied.

"Somebody has parked their Horsey right in front of him and painted your bay Tamir black!!!!!"

"Tamir!" Walentyna screamed. She rushed to the stable, only to see poor Tamar, dripping black paint on to the stable floor. A huge Mare looking quite evil towards him! Walentyna rushed back into the hotel. "Ok, who painted my Horsey black!?"

The huge woman that had just walked in got up off her stool and towered over Walentyna. She pulled up her sleeves and ripply rippled huge muscles popped out of her arms!

"I did, so what?" The huge Brunhilde type woman said.

"Errr. the first coat is dry." Wallentyna scrambled back to her seat.....

"Coward!" Embla sniffed. "Custardly coward!"

"Then you go fight her!" Walentyna said
.
They began waving their arms at each other, missing by miles, when a man sidled up to Embla...

"Can I smell your pussy?" the slimeball said.

"No, it's her feet!" Walentyna said. The man quickly slithered away....

Just as Embla went to the bar to demand a refill of the delicious gløgg, a fisherman came into the hotel bar. He had a ship's wheel stuck to the front of his trousers!

"What on earth is that?" The Brunhilde type woman said, laughing.

"It drives me nuts!" He answered.

Well, Brunhilda laughed and laughed so much she was in a much better mood. So much so she went and de-turped Tamir and combed his hair straight. When Embla and Wallentyna found out they befriended the big woman and everyone, Harald and the Fisherman had a jolly time and drank 500  øre's worth of superbical grog, gløgg and eggnog!!!!!!!!!

So now to my usual Songs of Christmas!!!!








God Jul og godt nytt år.

Celia xx

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