Re: Celia's Fun Thread!!!!

[Guest]

Brilliant. I really adore the quirkiness of it. Love the photo of you in the beret and the Norwegian videos. So Christmassy.

Not sure of your Scandi words but in my language it's :
Nollaig Shona agus Athbhliain Faoi Mhaise

Nollaig is my name both male and female in Irish. Yes for me it's Christmas all year round. If you want to pronounce it ignore the H except in Shona.

[Celia Eriksson]

Hi Marie!

Shame we could not talk last night..... I was a bit late I suppose. Oh, by the Norwegian, it's only Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. I'll write you soon on the other thing.... kinda got to do lots of deliveries tomorrow, prezzies!

Just for everyone else, Marie is referring to my Christmas Cracker for 2020.... it's on page 2 of this thread!!!! Don't miss it!!!

Celia xx

[Celia Eriksson]

I was about to have an early night last night, after perusing the files of one my Great Aunt Celia's journals. (One of an unquestionable amount, I have yet to read more than 0.0001% of them yet and oh! The photographs! My my, there seems to be almost an infinite number of them!!!!).

I always share with you the one's I read, so this is a very condensed version of her visit to Siam in 1888, she titled it Celia and the King of Siam.

I remember now that she she told me a little about it in 1967, aged 112. She said that apparently her adventure there is the inspiration of some other not so well known story, I have yet to encounter the obscure cover version of her adventure that she spoke of, which is a shame, but I will keep a look out for it.

It was after her troubles in Cleethorpes that Mad Mick the sailor found her in Ma Richardson's boarding house, he stole a paddle boat and they paddled to Siam.

Unfortunately, Mad Mick got the scurvy and was soon deaded, so Great Aunt Celia arrived alone.

She sailed up thingy river to Wotsit, the capital of Siam and addled alongside a huge golden barge. On the barge was a baldy man with lots of asian looking women with different coloured dresses on.

"Excuse me!" Great Aunt Celia screamed politely. "Do you mind putting a hat on?"

"Why" The baldy man boomed. "I am King of all you survey!"

"But the sun is bouncing of your baldiness and I can't see where I am going!" She answered politley. "And get this great lump of wood outta my way, I can't paddle through the wash!!!!"

"Wait, I shall call the heir apparent!"

"There's none apparent! That's why I can't see!"

The King turned to his first minister, the tricky dicky, Wee Wee Dun.

"Who is this delightful little morcel with the blonde locks, she amuses me. Tell the guards to send her to me in Wotsit city palace!"

Well, they tied a rope to her little pink paddle boat and hauled her in. Luckily she always looked most lovely, even after 739 days at sea, so the guards treated her nicely. 17 women were allocated to pamper her up to standard and she was sent to the KIng, looking even more cutet than normal, if such a thing was possible.

The King was listening to music, he had his 23 children beside him and 191 women.

"Welcome, little pink paddle boat girl!" The King said as she walked into the big great hall of Wotsit city palace. "Let me introduce you!"

Two hours later Great Aunt Celia curtsied and introduced herself back. After another hour and 45 minutes it was getting dark, so the King had the torches lit.

"These are my children!" He waved his arms at the children.

"And are those your wives?" She asked. "These 192 women?"

"191 actually. But no, this is my wife, the others are my bestest friends."

"Oh, how nice."

"Now little blondey, would you like to be my bestest friend? It pays well!"

"Well, your highness, I prefer to work for a living. I did teach at the Good Fort Kangaroo, perhaps I could teach them."

"Oh ok." The King came down 132 golden steps and they danced!

Next morning Great Aunt Celia rang the school bell. The children came rushing to their little desks. Great Aunt Celia watched as a woman was being marched out the gates, crying. She was the ex-teacher. The children cheered.

"Ok, children settle down! I shall see how well educaticated you are. Who can tell me what one and one is?"

"Please miss!" Little Sukipoo put her hand uppointing with the other. "It's him and her!"

"What, no it's not!" She banged her head on her desk, a habit she picked up from Sureshot Miki. "It's two!"

"You are silly!" Sukipoo said. "That is Tu over there. That is Wan Froo and that is Wan-poo!"
Great Aunt Celia groaned.

"Ok, can you tell me who knocked down the Walls of Jericho?"

"Well it sure was not any one of us!" Prince Peepi said. "We don't do naughty stuff like that!"

Great Aunt Celia was very shocked that Prince Peepi did not know the answer and thought he was being accused of the biblical act!

She decided to teach them painting instead, which they enjoyed very much.

That night she knocked on Wotsit City Palace's first minister's door.

"Can I help you?" Wee Wee Dun said. "You know it is half past seven, I like to have a soapy bath with.... I mean study chess at this time!"

"I wish to say the children are very ill educated." Great Aunt Celia complained. "I asked the 15 year old heir apparent, Prince Peepi who knocked down the walls of Jericho and he said it was not him!"

"Don't you worry Miss Celia." Wee wee Dun stroked his moustache, trying not to not look at her cleavage. "If the Crown Prince says he did not knock this wall down, he did not knock it down. I suggest you go talk to Grand Professor Woo, he is in charge of Siam's education. He lives at number 37."

Great Aunt Celia went down the road and found number 37 and knocked on the door.

"Why, hello, ruff ruff!" Prof. Woo said in a very English voice. "Are you staying for supper dear?"

"No, I have a complaint, I am the new teacher of the King's children!"

"Oh damnation. Ok, what have they done now?"

"Well, I asked the class who knocked down the Walls of Jericho and the Crown Prince Peepi said it was not them, they never do stuff like that!"

"Oh well. He is a very honest child. I am sure if he said he did not knock down the Walls of Jericho, he did not knock down the Walls of Jericho. Rest easy child. Now about supper?"

"No thank you!" She swizzled her bustle around and strode off to the King's apartments and banged on the huge doors. Tow guards answered and quickly shuffled her in to see the King.

"Your Highness!"

"Yes, my cuteness, what can I do for you today?"

"Your Ministers are useless and your children ill educated!"

"That is quite a charge young lady, what have they all done that makes you believe that?"

"So, I asked the class who knocked down the Walls of Jericho and your eldest son, the Crown Prince Peepi said it was not them, they never do naughty stuff. Then I went to your first minister and then called upon your head of education and they both said that if Peepi said he did not knock down the Walls of Jericho, for he was a honest good boy, then he did not knock down the Walls of Jericho! What do you intend to do!?"

"Don't fret my sweet cupcake. My son is indeed honest. I will send bricklayers around in the morning to fix these walls!"

So she decided to try to expand the children's minds at least. Next morning she instilled discipline by saying there would be no sweets if they played up. She noticed that Sukipoo was chewing her pen.

"Stop that Sukipoo, if the ink comes out it will poison you! Right class, what kind of things do we not put in our mouths?"

"Pens." Sukipoo said guiltily.

"Yes, that is right. Any other things?"

"Lit light bulbs!" Prince Peepi said.

"Of course lit light bulbs! And how on earth do you know that Peepi?"

"Coz Miss Celia, I always hear Mum saying turn off the light before you put it in my mouth!"

"But it is 1888 and we are in Siam!"

"Oh, sorry I forgot."

"Alright then class. Let's do description." She pulled something out of her bag and held it under her teachy type table. "Ok, this is red and round and squidgy. What do you think it might be?"

"An apple miss?" Sukipoo supposed.

"No, it is a tomatio. But, Sukipoo, I do appreciate your thinking!" She swizzled the bag again and pulled and hid another thing. "Now, this is green and round and has an outer skin. What might it be?"

"A kiwi fruit miss?" Tu asked.

"No, it is a green pepper. But Tu, I do appreciate your thinking!"

Prince Peepi interupted Great Aunt Celia.

"Can I do one?" The heir apparent asked. "Please?"

"Ok everyone, Crown Prince Peepi is to do one. We shall swap places, come up here to do it."

They traded places.

"Right then!" Crown Prince Peepi said. "Now, this is about an inch long and it has a red bulbous bit at the top!"

"Prince Peepi!!!!" Great Aunt Celia stood up. "That is outrageous a stunt to pull in front of your little Brothers and Sisters!"

"It is a match Miss, but I do appreciate your thinking!!!!"

Red faced, Great Aunt Celia settled the class down.

"Now can anyone tell me the vagaries of gambling?" Great Aunt Celia asked all of a fluster. "How it can ruin lives?"

"Our father gambles lots!" Prince Peepi declared. "And he is the finest man in Siam! It does not hurt him, nor me, we often like a gamble at the Horse racing, Dog racing, Elephant racing and other little gambles!"

"Really?" Gasped Great Aunt Celia. "He encourages it?"

"Yes, of course!" The Prince replied. "Don't you ever gamble?"

"Well, I have done. I guess that actually it did not affect me. You have the advantage your Royal Highness. But surely...."

"For example!" The Crown Prince interupted. "I'll bet you 87 Yaks that I know what colour knickerbockers you have on under that peach dress!"

Great Aunt Celia was speeechless. But 87 yaks! She earnt half a Yak a week, that is 50 binks! She decdided to take on the bet, but cheat! The children were sniggering and laughing so much, giving Prince peepi high fives that she quickly sat behind her desk, raised her bustle and whipped off her scarlet smalls!!!!

"Ok!" She stood up. "I accept your challenge Prince Peepi!" She deftly snuggled the scarlet naughties into her handbag. "So, what colour do you imagine my knickerbockers are then, young man?"

"They will be scarlet!" The Crown Prince correctly announced. "Without doubt!"

"Come here to my desk!" Great Aunt Celia sat down and squirmed in her seat. She lifted her bustle and cute bum into the air, but so the rest of the class could not see. "There she said! You will see, most definitely not scarlet!!!!"

"Ok, you win!" The Prince Peepi declared. "But we must go see Father right now, for I have not 87 yaks!"

"Oh really!" Great Aunt Celia complained. But she needed the Yaks, Champers was so expensive in Siam. "Alright, let's go! Sukipoo you are in charge until we return."

They went to see the King. The Crown Prince Peepi explained to the King that he had lost the bet, for Great Aunt Celia was not wearing scarlet knickerbockers. In fact, Great Aunt Celia was wearing no knickers at all. Great Aunt Celia confirmed that the Prince had indeed witnessed that and now it was time to poppy up 87 Yaks!

"Oh my!" The King declared. "Just this morning, the Prince Peepi bet me 500 Yaks that he would see your naked bum by the end of the day!!!!"

The 87 Yaks were given to Great Aunt Celia, the equivalent of 17.5 million pounds in todays money. She paddled back to England with her fortune, landing at John O' Groats 1832 days later! And her adventures continued!!!!



Celia xx

[Celia Eriksson]

Just unearthed these from the wayback machine, this is from 2017: (I really should be sorting stuff, but this is more fun!).....


Re: Fun thread
Postby CeliaEriksson » Sat Sep 23, 2017 9:51 am

So it's time for another true story and the occurrence was quite shocking and rude, so anyone under the age of 46, please leave the room now. Have they gone? Good, then I shall begin........

Long ago, my Great Aunt Celia had a party at the grand old age of 144 and it was very poor timing, for the Comlypoople Town District Council had decided to dig up the road that very day and had severed the electrical cable thingy that went to my Great Aunt's cottage.

Well, you can imagine, she had bought cakes and crisps and porked pies. She'd spent hours making sausagy rolls, putting little cubes of cheese on sticks and making a cellophone roll tape of her favourite opera singers of the nineteen twenties. But the music was electricallically operated and the radio too. So the room she'd made for the dance floor was redundant.

As people arrived she apologised. "I am so sorry, I don't know what to do!"
"We can play charades!" I said. "Everyone loves charades."
"Oh, you clever girl, no wonder they named you after me." Great Aunt Celia said.
So everyone played charades, but soon we were tired of charades. Everyone munched away at the food and drank lots of her Raspberry Wine.
"Does anyone know any other parlour games?" Great Aunt Celia asked as everyone was getting quite bored.

"I know a game!" Uncle Ernie offered.
"Everyone, settle down! Uncle Ernie is going to suggest a game." I called out. "Ok Uncle Ernie, what is your game?"
"I will put my right hand into my pocket and you have to guess what I have in my hand."
"OK!" I shouted. "Everyone, now Uncle Ernie is going to put his right hand in his pocket and we have to guess what he has in his hand!"

Well, Uncle Ernie stood up in the centre of the room and put his hand into his pocket.
"A comb!" Great Aunt Ethney wondered.
"No!" Uncle Ernie replied.
"Money?" Little Jane Hawkings asked.
"No!"
"Your cigarettes?" John Hawkings asked.
"No!"
"Matches!" I wondered.
"No."
So, we thought of everything that might be there, but it was fruitless.
"Ok." I finally said. "We give up. What do you have in your hand?"
"It's my right testicle!"
"Uncle Ernie!" I shouted. "How could you, there are children here. That is very naughty. Sit down and please behave!"

So the party continued and we chatted ourselves out and people were soon getting bored again.
"Let's play another game!" Uncle Ernie suddenly declared.
"Not another one like the last one, I hope." I said.
"No, this time I will put my left hand in my pocket and you have to guess what I have in my hand!"
"And it's going to be clean?" I checked.
"Yes, go on try and guess!" Uncle Ernie stood up again and shuffled to the middle of the room with his hand in his left pocket.
"Right everyone!" Great Aunt Celia called. "My Nephew Ernie is going to play another game, we have to guess what he is holding in his left pocket!"
So we asked again, money, comb, matches, sweets. Little Abagail Fortnum-Smythe thought she had something when she asked if it was a gobstopper, for Uncle Ernie had to ponder. Alas it was not. We gave up.

"Ok, Uncle Ernie. What do you have in your left hand?" Great Aunt Celia enquired.
"It's my left testicle!"
"Ok, that's it! One more disgusting outburst like that and you can get your hat and coat and go home!" Great Aunt Celia said, very haughtily. "Disgusting, it's as well my Sister is not here to hear your profanity!"

The party continued for another hour and everyone started looking at their watches. But nobody dare suggest leaving one of Great Aunt Celia's parties.
"Let's play another game!" Uncle Ernie suddenly said.
"O-ooohhh no." I wagged my finger at him.
"Oh yes!" Uncle Ernie leant forward and wagged back.
O-oooooooohh no!" I said, bearing over his armchair, wagging wider than he.
"Let's give the old boy a chance." Cousin Norman said. "It is going to be clean this time, isn't it Uncle Ernie?"
"Of course."
"Ok everyone!" Cousin Norman called, he likes to take over things. "Uncle Ernie has another game. Listen up! What is it?"
"I'll put both my hands in my pocket and you have to guess what I have got in my hands!"
"It had better be clean!" I reminded him. "Or it's get your hat and coat and home for you Uncle Ernie!"
"Ok. I'll try."
"Everyone! We have to guess what Unle Ernie is holding in both his pockets!" Cousin Norman shouted to everyone.

Well, Uncle Ernie shuffled to the middle of the room and thrust his hands into his pockets.
"Oh dear." He said, quietly.
"What is it?" I asked.
"I'd better get my hat and coat......."

And this, is from the same time!!!!

Well, another true story comes to mind then, as so many love my true stories...... oh and it was dear old Uncle Ernie that got his hat and coat, not me, I had to stay 'til the end and was wearing a shawl and had no hat, actually, in fact, so "you have to sing the poo poo song coz you got it wrong". Many other things occurred that fateful night, but I'll keep you waiting for that now, you naughty girls.

Ahem, so this story comes from the days of yore and involves two of my famous ancestors in Norway, the twin sisters, my Great Aunts of long past. Embla and Walentyna Eriksson.

It was in the 1770's so I am told that Embla and Walentyna traded in an array of vegetables they grew in their small farm near Storslatt. They would sell them in the village, but usually had enough to take to Bergskog, around two mile East, along a rickety road in their horsecart.

One year they had so much they thought they would try a place they had never travelled to, Berglund, a further mile or so. As they gee'd up their Horse, Tamir, a low archway came into sight. They stopped Tamir, put the cart's brake on and considered the problem.

"He is too tall, the cart will fit under the bridge, but Tamir is too high, he will not go under!" Embla said. "What will we do, sister?"
"Don't fret Embla. I have the solution. You go back to yonder stream and get Tamir a drink. I will make a start." Walentyna said. "Go on."
"That stream was a mile away. I hope you know what you're doing!"

Well, Walentyna took out a yard stick and measured Tamir from hoof to tip of ear. "Stand up straight!" she ordered the Horse to do. "Hmmmm."
She took the yardstick and measured the bridge and she went back and measured the upright Horse again. She took a hammer and chisel and began to carve two ruts all along the underside of the stone arch, in the exact shape of the top of Tamir's ears.
"If only Tamir was not so tall!" Walentyna told herself.

Embla finally returned with a satchel of water for Tamir. She slaked the thirsty nag. Then she looked at what her silly sister was doing, her sister had barely chiselled a foot of the two ruts.

"Why, is that the only height difference? Tamirs ears!"
"Yes, two inches too high, to the top of his ears!" "
"Oh, you are so silly Walentyna!"
"Oh, I am, am I?"
"Yes!" Embla laughed. "Any fool could see it would be better to dig a trench, than cut the stone!"

And this one too!!!!!!


Thorbjorn Larstrom was a Swede, but it wasn't his fault. He built a house on the outskirts of Tromso. He was a travelling salesman and sold tractors and agricultural machinery. On a trip to my Uncle's farm in the eighties, I was invited to a pool and sauna party at Thorbjorn's house. His swimming pool had a no smoking sign on the bottom of the pool and the house had a lot of land, so he'd hired Swedes to plant trees upon his estate as another business adventure.

Now one of the two young Swedes working close by had caught my eye as I posed around the pool and I watched them closely. The one I liked was digging a hole and the other watched. It took quite a while as the ground looked quite hard. Finally he wiped his brow and nodded to the other guy. The other guy took his shovel and began filling the hole! I watched for another half an hour and the same thing happened another two times! As the handsome Swede dug a hole the other one would fill in the hole.

Well, I wandered close by, as was my want and fiddled with my fingers as I asked, "Why are you digging a hole and then you are fill it in?"

"It is like this." The hunky Swede replied. "Usually there are three of us, but Marc has gone sick today."
"I don't understand." I said.
"Well, Marc is the one that plants the tree."



So, I wandered back to the party and began to talk to Anneka, Thorbjorn's Swedish wife. She was saying how much she loved her car and that how she could not understand our weather reports.

"Why on earth not, you speak Norwegian very well." I said.
"Because, last winter, a report told us to park our cars on the South side of the road, as it was going to snow." Anneka said. "So we did."
"Yes, because of drifts." I informed her.
"I know. But then the very next night they told us to park them on the East side, so we took them down the road over there."
"Yes?" I was confused.
"Well, they still got covered in lots of snow!" Anneka lamented. "Thorbjorn had to dig them out, it took hours!"
"Oh dear."
"Thorbjorn decided that we should not listen to the weather reports anymore and leave them in the garage."

:thumb: xxxxxx

And of course, this!!!!

Hi Everyone, it's long past due for one of my very actually true stories, I know you have all been waiting very patiently, so I will begin.

!n 1832, Hakon, my Great, Great, Great, Great Gandfather, took his son, a Great Uncle, Oddvar to one side.
"Son, you are now 24 years old and you have never been with a woman, why is that son."
"I am worried Father. You have never told me about the Birds and the Bees."
"You mean the Seal and the Skuas son, we are in Norway in 1832."
"Oh yes." Oddvar replied. "Sorry Dad, I forgot."
"Well Son, it is time you learnt." Hakon declared. "I shall take you far south to the great city Bergen and I shall give you 50 Crowns to have a woman and you shall know everything about them."

So Hakon and Oddvar saddled up Thorsgildd, their trusty steed and rode together for seventeen days to Bergen. After much debate in taverns, Hakon and Oddvar had chosen their Lady of the Night and Hakon gave Oddvar the 50 Crowns.

As Hakon watched his Son being led upstairs by Gunnhilda, the chosen one, he began to worry. I know my son, He thought. He will split the money with her and spend it on fishcakes instead!. So Hakon stealthily climbed the stairs and listened from the otherside of the door. He was quite surprised. Oddvar and Gunnhilda were already at it!

"Oh, what a big boy you are Oddvar!" Gunnhilda cried. "Wonderful!"
Chip off the old block, just like me!, Hakon thought.

"Oh Oddvar!" Gunnhilda screamed. "Give me another inch, I will knock 10 crowns off my fee!"
And Hakon listened.

"Ohhhhhh! Oddvar!" Gunnhilda panted. "Another inch, another inch! I will take another 10 Crowns off of my fee!"

Well, this was too much for Hakon. He bashed the door open and ran to the bed.
"Move out of the way son, at this rate we'll make a profit!"

More from yore!!!!! 2017..... thank you wayback machine!!!!

Hi Everyone!

About 1997 a friend of mine Gina and I travelled to the USA and part of the trip we stayed with my Cousin Alicia who lives in Avenel. Alicia had warned us that there was to be a fancy dress party at a friend of hers birthday on our second night. Her friend had stipulated that everyone should dress according to their job title.

Well, easy for Gina and me, we bought risqué nurses uniforms. We had not arrived long and Alicia was already fretting about the party, for she worked in a marine rope, sheet and cable making company. Her Mother, my Aunt Erika, had told her to wear a sailor's outfit, but Alicia wanted something more suitable.

We had a nice time, visiting NY and Elizabeth, but Alicia had to work that first day. When we came home after a shopping trip she told us she had an idea. She had been given a lot of chord by her boss and some rope. She'd fix it on to an old white dress somehow she was sure. We told her she should listen to her Mother, the idea of a rope dress sounded awful.

But she did it. and yes it looked weird, but not too bad. The rope was used for the hem and upon the bust line as well as the 'cuffs'. The chord wound around the rest of the dress tightly and gave her little room for manoeuvre. She made a tiara and a necklace of the rope too. Upon her platinum hair, it did not look too awful.

Well, we all enjoyed the party and Alicia had soon had enough to drink. We told her that we should go home and we started walking, it was about half a mile. We passed a bar and Alicia insisted we go in and have one last drink together, for we were leaving the following day. Gina pointed out that she and I had quite a journey to New Orleans ahead of us.

But Alicia had already opened the door, so we went in. She asked us what we wanted and soon a port for me and a glass of beer for Gina arrived.....
"...and I will have a large Whiskey please, you handsome devil you!" Alicia asked of the bartender and then made a mistake, she giggled uncontrollably.
"No." The bartender said.
"No drinky, for little ole me?" Alicia asked sweetly, giggling even more.
"No, you have had enough. That's four twenty five."
"Well, I'll just have to go then!" Alicia winked at us. "See you at home."

We did not know what to do, so we slowly sipped our drinks. I turned to the window, something caught my eye. Alicia was peering over the frosted glass and mouthing words to us.
"What is she saying?" I nudged Gina.
"Why is she waving her arms about?" Gina asked me. "I can't make it out."
"Oh, she's saying ....wait there.... I'll be coming back.... in a few minutes!.... Oh well, let's enjoy our drinks."

So we sat down. After about ten minutes Alicia came back in. She'd pulled the rope and chord around her face and drawn eyebrows, a nose and mouth over the rope, her eyes peering through.

She'd twisted the rope about in one big knot upon her head and pulled out lots of threads out to make it look like a rope wig!

She looked a sight! She strolled casually up to the bartender.

"Whiskey! Make it a large one!" She demanded, confidently leaning on the bar.
"It's you isn't it?" The barman asked. "The nutjob I just told had had too much to drink?"
"No!" Alicia replied. "I'm a frayed knot!"



And now for this one 2017!!!!!!

A Swedish Woman's Guide of Terminology for the Thoroughly Modern Woman.

By a friend...............

Screenshot: An attempt to hit a fly that has got past the window netting.
Safe Mode: Thorbjorn has cum up my bum.
Outbox: Happens to me when Thorbjorn uses Safe Mode.
Joystick: When I am drunk and Thorbjorn is horny.
Surge Protector: Condom.
Firmwear: My corset.
Bitmap: Our map after the dog has chewed it.
Defragment: I just told you, our map after the dog chewed it.
Backside Bus: I got a seat.
Cursor: Thorbjorn on the way to my Mother.
Serial Port: Where much of the Muesli ingredients arrive in Sweden.
Megabyte: Required for my meatballs.
Frozen Screen: Thorbjorn forgot to close the window.
Memory Stick: That I use when Thorbjorn forgets the window.
Runtime: When Thorbjorn sees me with the memory stick.
Tooltip: The end of Thorbjorn's manhood.
Thick Client: Other Swedes.
Inbox: Thorbjorn makes a slip.
Remote User: Thorbjorn with a long stick.
Caps lock: When us Swedes kiss.
Network: Well done Thorbjorn, you squidged the fly.
Card Reader: Clever, so very good at Bridge, probably Norwegian.
Extranet: Great! Thorbjorn caught two flies! That is net!
Floppy Disc: Long Playing record too close to stove.
Load Balancing: I am atop Thorbjorn.
Spreadsheet: I am underneath Thorbjorn.
Laptop: Someone who lives at the top of Scandinavia.
Visual Basic: I have lost my reading glasses.
Vertical Market Software: Woolen socks I bought in Ostersund.
Unfriend: That naughty Celia person.
Username: Never, I don't even like the name Celia. What is wrong with my name, Mundgärdh?
Upload: See 'safe mode' but move down a few inches.
Download: See outbox and upload and use your imagination.
Tapedrive: My Brother Sven has a dashcam, we are not behind the times you know.
Thin Client: The Norwegians.
Fat Client: Other Swedes or Americans.
Toolbar: No sex for Thorbjorn.
Troubleshooting: Thorbjorn after too much beer.
Facebook: Best way of pretence when I am in bed and don't want sex.
Streaming: My eyes after 'safe mode'.
Solid State: Thorbjorn after just the right amount of beer.
Snapchat: Will use next time I see Celia.
Smartphone: The answering machine.
Log on: To put on the stove.
Log off: It's too hot.
Sign In: The 'logs for sale' sign is in the barn.
Sign Out: The sign is on the road.
Shareware: My panties.
Quicktime: Thorbjorn is too horny.
Parallel Port: See 'safe mode' and 'upload'.
Pinterest: Quilt making.
Flatbed: We are asleep.
Debugger: Thorbjorn after a night out in Ostersund.

:thumb:

[Celia Eriksson]

So today I repaired the white cladding that surrounds the bottom of my little moby, my little van. It was easier than I thought.

You see the south-westerlies we get here on the Hampshire coast are very naughty and last night I heard their song as they danced and whipped around outside.

They blew the loose cladding from their footings. They were the strongest yet and as I lay with my eyes peeping over the top of my duvet, I got a little frit, but determined to fit them in so it never happens again. And so I did, but as old John O'Dreams took me away into the blustery night, I had the strangest dream....

Well, I am not doing anything now, coz now the rains are tipping down Cats and Dogs, so weeding and gardening that I was going to do is off. So, I have some time and will recall the dream.

Those prone to banging their head upon the computer desk, Miki, are advised to find a nice plump pillow now, before reading.... a harp plays a dreamy type sound and my whole bedroom goes wobbly hazy kind of thing....

A Badger tapped on my door. I woke with a start and put on my white rose topped slippers. I went to the door and saw the Badger, dressed in a red waistcoat bumble off into my now huge garden!!!!

Somehow I had shrunk considerably and ran past a very friendly, well dressed Mouse who doffed his cap as I ran up my path..... I'll get a humane trap tomorrow I thought, he clearly does well off of me... but then I cussed myself.... it's just a dream Celia!!!!

The Badger was gone! So I thought it an idea to climp up a reed in my pond and see if I could espy him. My white nightdress was quite soiled by the time I got to the top and the wind sprites blew the reeds violently!!!

Crash!!!! The reed hit another and told me in no certain terms... "Get off!!! Get off!!! You are to blame!!!" I jumped off into the pond. Kerplop! I slowly sank to the bottom....blurp.... gurglr.... gurgle.... gurgle... A Frog swam round me as down I went, down, down, down. All the Butterfly from my bedroom wall decorations swam past, giggling at me.

Finally I reached the bottom. "Come in!" A deep voice boomed. I saw a little door and went in. The Lily pad Queen was there before me with every kind of flower you could name beside her.

"These are all the flowers that you know of." She announced. "The ones you do not know are not here!"

"Why not?"

"Because you do not know them!" She said. "Why should they want to meet you, when you have not even bothered learning their names?"

"Guess that makes sense." I said. "But this is just a dream, so I don't care. Soon I shall wake up!"

"You will not wake up, until I say!" She boomed. "You are a funny little thing. But, we like you, we have been watching you. Gardening in your bright yellowy gloves! Hilarious! Now, why do we like you? Because you get rid of the weedles!"

"Well, I like you a lily more each day. But, you mean weeds, don't you?"

"No, no, no! Weedles.... you humans never get things right!!!" She pulled her white cardigan closer. Now, entertain us! We have read from your Fun Thread..... we want fun!"

"Come on!" A Begonia shouted.

"Oh, Begonia with you. I am thinking!" I said.

"Hoe!" An Oxeye Daisy called.

"How dare you! I will wake up!"

"No, you need to hoe more! That's why the weedles keep coming back!" The  Oxeye pondered. "Can you tell your neighbour to stop gardening topless?"

"I've never seen that!"

"All wobbly boobs and fat tummy wobbling around. It is quite horrendous."

"Oh dear."

"Would not be so bad if his wife did it!"

"Guess so."

"Apparently, he used to be scared of gardening, in case you came out, with all your cuteness." The Oxeye Daisy laughed. "Until he grew a pear!"

"Oh."

"You need to mow your lawn!" An Iris said. It is quite shabby! You think you are a great gardener, but you just 'aint cutting it!"

"I covered it with Chicken poo!" I retorted. "It is now impeccable!" I replied. "And after removing all that weedle type moss off the patio, I've taken quite a Lichen to it!"

"I saw you crying, resting on your lawn mower last month!" A Foxglove said. "What a pathetic sight! Sobbing into your silly yellowy gloves!"

"I know. I hit a rough patch."

"Who was that Man sitting on your lawn last week?" The Lily Queen asked. "He looked quite dodgy!"

"Oh, that was Sergio Caballeros, from Spain. He does that kind of thing, I think he finds me kind and he always smiles back as he walks away, when I point out that he has a grassy ass."

"But all that soil too. Who keeps dumping it here!"  A Marigold stated. "Who!?"

"I don't know, but the plot thickens!"

"And that Murder on the lawn last week!" A posh Rose asked. "Why did you not do anything about that?"

"I rang the police, but they said they don't deal with Crow, or Lawn Enforcement, I should call a bird scarerer."

"And I suppose you feel guilty about mowing over that poor little Song Thrush last week!" The Rose continued. "I thought you did not like shredded tweet!"

Suddenly I began to float up...... the friendly Frog had whisked me away upon his back!

"Oh thank you!" I thanked the amphibian. "You lifesaver, I wish you had come earlier though!"

"I did. But I found it quite ribbeting!"

"How come they did not see you!"

"I was using a croaking device!"

We reached the top of the pond. I thanked the Frog and lifted myself upon the pond's edge. I looked into the moonlit pond, checking my reflection..... Shock and horrorers!!!! I was transformed..... me a Froggie!!!!!"

Just then the very old mad cat man from across the road passed by. I leapt up several times until I landed upon his head! "I am not a Frog! I am the lady that lives in the yellow moby, just there. Kiss me and I will love you always!"

The old man put me in his pocket!

"Did you not hear me!" I squealed. "I will love and serve you always, I am a lovely mix! 49% British, 49% Norwegian and a tad Pole!!!!!"

"Oh, I'd rather have a talking Frog at my age!" He said.

I slipped from his pocket and bounded back towards my pond. As I got there, I found a little brass bell I had lost ages ago, it was a favourite piece of chintz. The Frog met me on the path!

"Oh, Froggie! What have you done! You have turned me into a Froggie too!"

"Well." The Frog said. "Give me 5 pence and I will turn you back into a human again!"

"Does it look like I have any money?"

"It's the only way. Oh no!" The Frog hopped off.

For just then Patty Jagger, a neighbour passed by....

"Aaargh!" She screamed. There is a Frog on Celia's path!!!! I shall squidge it!"

She raised her thick red Mary-Janes! Just before she stamped, I whacked her feet with the brass keepsake! I jumped up onto her shoulder.

"Patty! It is me!" I screamed. "Lend me 5p and I will be ever grateful!!!!"

"Oh no. I never give money to Frogs!" Patty Jagger said. "They never, ever pay you back, why only last week.... and you just hit me with that brass thingy!"

Her boyfriend, English Bob, turned up on the scene. I told him the whole sorry tale.

He said. "It's a knick-knack Patty whacked. Give the Frog a loan. Your old man is a Rolling Stone!!!!"

Ta da!!!

Then I woke up. The naughty South-West winds were singing still and so I rose quite early this morning...

Celia xx

[MichaelaSJ]

Sheeeeeeeeee's back, and with her pen filled to the top. Stay tuned!

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