Home Sweet Home… It’s been a long time.

Hello,

I’m Skippy (the peanut butter, not the damn kangaroo ) also known as Jess… Some folks here might remember me from the previous Tgboards. I had a habit of popping in yearly, or bi-yearly for a little while, and then vanishing again only to re-emerge for a few months give or take. Last time I vanished however, the boards vanished about a year or two after. I am curious about Kara, and how she’s doing. Umm the previous owner of the Tgboards, and their founder going all the way back to the ezboard days.

Well, I am curious about a lot of people I have known on these forums, who seemed like they would never go away, and to be honest a little concerned. Also wondering about Andina as well.

As for myself? Well I actually first started posting here in it’s first or second year way back in 2000. At the time I was the baby of these forums. I became aware I was trans at 16, though I always knew just never had a way to express it. Thank god I grew up just as the internet was in it’s infancy. I had severe dysphoria to the point it lead me to self harm, and a few suicide attempts. I grew up in the 80’s and 90’s, and started to actively transition by myself in the late 90’s, only to go full time upon reaching adulthood at age 18. It was shortly after turning 18 that I began posting here. I have to say this place helped me a lot to figure things out in those early years.

I’m currently 38, though I’ll be 39 in the summer. Hardly the baby of the forums anymore. I can’t believe how fast time goes by. I still feel young but I’m pushing 40. I did physically transition, though I never got the bottom surgery. I present as a woman to those I don’t know, and have for most of my life. Hell even before I began HRT or changed my name etc… I was referred to as a girl quite often. I was a late bloomer, and never really finished my male puberty for which I am glad, since testosterone was poisonous to me, and to my detriment. I started getting Spiro, and Premarin which was the norm HRT wise at the time, from an online pharmacy in private self medicating, which stunted my male puberty in it’s entirety. Though I certainly don’t recommend self medicating, in fact I stopped when I became paranoid about clotting. Still by the time I saw my endocrinologist I had effectively stopped my descent into manhood.

Y’see I started out as MTF, but well things became a little more complicating as I became more, and more comfortable with myself on HRT. I am very much fluid. Though I always tend to lean in a feminine direction. Sometimes I feel like a woman, sometimes I feel like a boy, well using a term I’ve been hearing more, and more of lately; femboy to be accurate even in my boyish headspace I cannot deny that feminine direction I lean in. Actually for the last few years now femboy has become my recent default. Though my fiance' says I'm just Jess and by nature adorable no matter where my gender role current, or tide takes me in. Which is true, and always been the case with me. I'm just me. With that said my gender identity is malleable. It can always morph, and I mean I can be a femboy at home, and a woman dealing with the public. *shrugs* Hell, sometimes I feel like neither male or female, or conversely sometimes both at once etc... Still in terms of the superficial details they always seem to fall more on the feminine spectrum. Ultimately I'm just me, just Jess like my fiace' says, and I'm okay with me. Well at least the gender stuff, there's a lot to unpack from the last decade in terms of overall trauma, but I'm not going there just yet.

Long story short I’m fluid.

Now in terms of pronouns when it comes to me, the traditional she/her or he/him are fine. However I do become deeply uncomfortable being refereed to as a ughh “Man” or anything hyper masculine. While I am okay with boy, I’ll never be okay with “Man.” It evokes terrible memories of my dysphoria. So I ask anyone reading this to please not refer to me as such.

I never was good at concise, heh this is getting long. Well still short for me, still I fear I’ve already crossed the tl’dr threshold for some. For those that don't know me I invite you to get to while I am here, however long that is. I also look forward to doing the same.

Also if anyone remembers me let me know. This place has always kind of been my home when it comes to these issues of gender, or as I used to put it all this complex gender-hooey.

P.S. If there are any questions you have about my fragmented post here, I'm happy to answer them.

~ Jess

Just saying hello Jess

Glad you are here.

Welcome back, and there is nothing wrong in being fluid.

Thank you kindly for the welcome.

I have a vested nostalgia with these forums, and while I reached a point where I rarely posted. I would check up on things from time to time. That is until I saw they were offline. Then I stumbled into them being back online here. It does raise some concerns for the original administrative staff, like Kaara (the original founder,) or Andina. I worry age got the better of them. They really helped me out when I was younger.

mmm getting a little emotional. Anyhoo...

It is a pleasure meet you.

~ Jess

Skippy wrote:...I worry age got the better of them. They really helped me out when I was younger.

When I first came out to someone not in my family, it was to a transwoman in San Jose who ran a brick and mortar/internet shop for crossdressing individuals (trans also) and who also was meeting place for local CD/Trans folk.

Early on I attended bi-weekly meetings and made friends and met with friends offsite and generally developed a better understanding of who I am.

But, and a big but, because of my health and the COVID-19 restriction I am left participating with my friends here at the 'Transgender Times' group.

I think a lot of transfolk are like me. They initially look for support and once that support is found, are able to gain the confidence to be who they are. Sometimes, being who you are and your comfort in your being means you no longer need groups like this.

Yes, some members here are no longer here because they might have passed. But I believe many members who no longer show up here don't because they have found a comfort in their own being and don't need us any longer. AND THIS IS GOOD!

Hey Skippy, welcome back to the same old, completely different place!

These days, I mostly lurk, occasionally popping up with a smart ass reply. Yeah, I do wonder about Andina and a few others who used to be active in years past. But time does move on, and people come and go for their own reasons.

Tara wrote:Hey Skippy, welcome back to the same old, completely different place!

These days, I mostly lurk, occasionally popping up with a smart ass reply. Yeah, I do wonder about Andina and a few others who used to be active in years past. But time does move on, and people come and go for their own reasons.

Same old/new place indeed. heh yeah I was always quite a smartass when it came to trolls, truscum, trans medicalists, and the pushy AGP/HSTS  crowd. I mean if you identify as autogynephilic fine, by all means enjoy. Just don't try to convince me that my experience must center around the unholy Trinity of Blanchard, Bailey, and Lawrence's hypothesis, as no two experiences are the same. To clarify not all Autogynopheliacs are bad. Odd to me perhaps, but I mean you only live once, if that's your thing go for it. Just don't try to co-opt others into it because you're insecure with your own choices, y'know? I resent being called and HSTS, which someone who was into Blanchard, and Bailey's take called me once. I guess since I've been with men and women, both cis, and trans to them I would be a BSTS. Well BS is in there, so yeah it doesn't fly. PSTS? WTF? ahhh lost my train of thought.

I mean sure there are parallel's in the trans community, but everyone is different hence everyone's experience is as well. Shit, going all the way back to when I was brash youngster so to speak...  I always stood up to bullies like that, and yeah I was kind of a smartass about it.

I also liked joking around with certain people I knew, I especially always had a fun back and forth PG one of the mods before the last incarnation of the boards went down. To be honest though lately I feel like a dinosaur. Hell I do get a little lost in all the new politics going on in the trans community. Granted I tend to keep out of them, though occasionally I get curious. Nevertheless all the ways thoughts on gender identity have evolved since my tenure of being a fighter for trans rights irl, and shit posting against bigots online while being kind to, and helping those who were totally new to this crazy gendery world, and confused about what to do in regards to any dysphoria they had. I'll never forget one PM or is it DM these days? Basically a personal message of grattitude from a poster named Lydia who I helped. Sam too, well quite a few people on the boards, and as a peer counselor irl.

I went radio silent for a variety of reasons one of which Michaela cogently summarized.

MichaelaSJ wrote:But I believe many members who no longer show up here don't because they have found a comfort in their own being and don't need us any longer.

That was certainly a big reason I began to post less, and less, and less over the years. On top of that a lot trans rights that simply were never even considered to be a thing when I transitioned began finally being enacted in my state. I lost my fire bit, by bit due to the growing exhaustion that came with aging, and Christ I was a fiery little bitch in my prime. That isn't the only reason, but probably the biggest.

Though while I don't need to come here, I wanted to from time to time, if not to see an old friend, maybe then to help a newer transitioner. Then over time even that became taboo, as someone tried to hit the cancel button on me back in 2013 before we even knew what that was simply because my vernacular wasn't up to speed... well... that... and she kinda only read the first two sentences of a mega post I made meant to inspire young trans people not to be ashamed of who they are. Yeah most people got the point, but for others the point missed them and landed in the goddamn Atlantic Ocean, which subsequently made them livid with me for reasons unknown. Well unknown until I realized they only read the first two sentences of my post and jumped to a conclusion based on a deliberate red herring and psyche out to get the reader invested. tldr culture had reached it's apex due to Facebook and twitter I guess.

Anyhoo someone called me out as trans medicalist (a group I have avidly oppossed irl, and on these very forums for over a decade at that point, and currently celebrating my two decade anniversary of opposing them) because tldr on that paticular post, and this resulted in an ensuing shitstorm where I was basically being called transphobic, and no joke nor hyperbole; a literal nazi. This pushed so far emotionally that I felt forced to admit something about myself that I had only told one person on these forums in private, that person being Corvus is anyone remembers her. Though thankfully my homies who knew me that still posted here, and many of the new folks defended me. In the end when it was pointed out they likely didn't read anything in my post they shut the hell up. Most likely because it was clear that they didn't. What they accused me of saying was totally contrary to the entire goddamn point of the post. I mean they gaslighted the hell out of me. I remember when I first posed the question, "well did your read the whole thing?" these crusaders suddenly became silent. Probably out of embarrassment after they did read my entire post since it destroyed the foundation of any of their accusations.

I won't lie though, being attacked so viciously by younger transitioners, a generation I tried in my youth to help. One I helped through local activism so they didn't need to go through the broken system of red tape, bullshit gate keeping, zero rights, no insurance/zero money, being treated like a freak due to trans medicalism garbage like I did. Yeah not all issues were addressed by far, but hell we tried, and we started the foundation. However to say it kinda hurt when those young people attacked after dedicating so much of myself to this cause is an understatement. On top of that while the thread was happening I was so tilted and emotional due to all the hate, and vitriol, that I began feeling forced to reveal my intersexed condition due to the bizarre dog pile clusterfuck of a direction my thread that was made to empower trans power became. This was for years something I kept to myself, because I still feel I have a trans idenity, and I didn't want the fact that I do have an intersexed condition to muddle that for others.
Redacting some of the health related stuff due to my intersexed condition, just suffice it to say it is because of my unusual condition I became very sick, and remain sick to this day. All of it really hurt a lot more than I let on. Hell based on my whining I think I'm still upset by it 8 years later. Damn that's just sad... BAD ME! Suffice it to say all of this for a while turned me off entirely from dealing with the community. Even made me resentful a bit. Then I realized I was being what you would call a... wimp, and really should just let it go. So I gave this board at least another crack like 5 or 6 years later, and it wasn't there.

Also would quickly like to add the other big reason I stopped interacting with the trans community was because my health started to plummet into the depths of hell in 09, and 2010. It's still pretty bad, which is a big reason I never got the chance to go back to college. But I've been working on that, along with grief as my father was dying in that time frame from dementia, and finally passed in 2017. The woman who is my grief councilor/therapist wound up being the best therapist I ever met, and lets just say I'm working on a host of issues going back to my childhood. But mmm yeah we'll just close that book, and put it back on the shelf for now.

After that I didn't come back until the boards were gone. Every now, and then I tried the url just to see if they'd ever return, and no they did not until just recently. When I saw these boards again I decided to drop in and say hello all the fine people here, whilst remising about the good old days, as all old people love to do. LMAO! Nah I'm not that old yet, but damn I feel like it sometimes.

Ultimately my main reason for posting here after working out my own gender issues was simple. I like helping people. That's it. That's why I became a peer counselor for a rather large LGBT center, that's why I've been humoring going back to school and maybe working as a social worker, and that's why I kept checking the url even after the site clearly went down. I might be a little slow to post since I have a lot going on right now, granted things are no where near as bad as they were in 2017, but hopefully I can get back to helping folks who just became aware of there own gender incongruity once again despite the fact I feel like a Methuselah, and might not be caught up on all the new lingo. For example I just recently learned the term 'Transsexual' has become offensive. This naturally confuses me since I was diagnosed as much when I transitioned. However, while I don't quite understand why that old term is so offensive, I do understand why it is obsolete. It doesn't really apply much when it comes to the modern way of looking at this "gender hooey TM Skippy." HAH!

In all seriousness though thank you for the kind welcome, give me time to acclimate, and perhaps I can be of some use.

~ Jess  

P.S. Forgot to address this.

MichaelaSJ wrote:Welcome back, and there is nothing wrong in being fluid.

I really appreciate the kindness here, but I am very much aware there's nothing wrong with it. That was basically the last step of my transitioning in realizing as much. It used to be called Androgyne, or Genderqueer, but the lingo keeps evolving. The meaning for me is the same. I feel feminine but aside from that I feel kinda genderless, or rather I feel like gender is malleable, and it's something I've always liked to toy with. I take on certain roles from time to time just because why not?

I mean as I said lately gender wise I'm pretty much a femboy. Now, only if they would open up that Hooters. I hope that's not offensive it's in good fun and goes to show how comfortable I am with it. Granted I might up and decide to change on a dime, and change back, and have done aso for years. My fiance' hell she's my wife our wedding got delayed due to Covid. She just finds me adorable, and always assures me no matter what to her in the end I am just Jessi Baby Doll. LOL   Though she does respect whatever role I may take on for a time don't get me wrong. In fact swapping gender roles like that makes some bedroom hyjinks quite fun. I will not elaborate on that any further.  

Also... err missed this.

MichaelaSJ wrote:When I first came out to someone not in my family, it was to a transwoman in San Jose who ran a brick and mortar/internet shop for crossdressing individuals (trans also) and who also was meeting place for local CD/Trans folk.

Trust me I know CD's are transgendered I used to stick up for them like crazy in the early 2000's. One of my best friends back in the day, when I was healthy was a crossdresser. He had no interest in transitioning, but he was clearly transgendered. Also transition isn't all hormones and surgery. It's mostly mental, which is why I said earlier that it wasn't until I accepted that I was Genderfluid that I had pretty much found peace with all this stuff. CD's should be treated much better than they are. Things are improving, but it's a long road. Yeah I had Gender Dysphoria, but as I came to realize I didn't transition to be a woman, I did so not to be a man. Furthermore testosterone was like poison for me. I hated it. It actually made me physically ill, which goes into my condition somewhat. Basically I am just happier on estrogen, it's a match for me. All I really needed was HRT, and to accept myself. I did both.

Still I do truly understand why you would mention they are trans too. The current thoughts lately seem to be from what I understand that you don't need Gender Dysphoria to be trans, and I agree with that for the most part.

Anyway thanks again everyone for the warm welcome, hopefully this clarifies a bit about me. If anything it should clarify my penchant for making long posts. They're not devoid of substance or anything, but yeah they can be overwhelming when you look at the mini sky scraper of text I built. I get that. I will say please don't respond at me with hostility due to any of my posts unless you read the whole thing. Don't want a repeat of the past.

Thanks again,
~ Jess  

Hey Skippy,

Yep, I remember you from the old site. Glad you found us and checked in. I'm still here, though don't post much.

Welcome back

Liz

Skippy wrote:I mean if you identify as autogynephilic fine, by all means enjoy. Just don't try to convince me that my experience must center around the unholy Trinity of Blanchard, Bailey, and Lawrence's hypothesis, as no two experiences are the same. To clarify not all Autogynopheliacs are bad.

I will give to Blanchard et al that it was reading some of their nonsense that first set me on the path to understanding who I am. But my understanding grew more in reaction against them.

It's as if they were standing on the outside, telling me about the place I'm living, without even bothering to look in the windows. At least it prompted me to look more closely at that place myself.[/quote]

Skippy!

I sure remember you from the old forum where I used to hang out a bit.

When it went away I registered here and circled around it from time to time but it just wasn't the same starting over.  Then I kind of ignored posting altogether and went radio silent.

But I spent a lot of the COVID lockdown examining that, basically, I really wanted to transition, and getting myself off the uncomfortable fence I was sitting on.  My dad passed (who I never discussed any of this with in any way) and unexpectedly he left me a fair inheritance that gives me the backup for what I want to do, outside of my own currently erratic income.

There's only a couple people in my life that might react badly, and though I'm close to them (they're fundies, FWIW, and that makes it tough) I could handle that going south, though there's no way to know.  But I can't be beholden to somebody else's beliefs about my life.  Everybody else I know that doesn't already know, really won't care.  My circle is good that way.  I've been out for many years but I don't push it on anybody, but I'm sure people suspect.

This however is real, and at 65 I'm going for it for the rest of my life, however long that might be.  I've known since I was just a kid, and of course it never goes away.  I wanted to transition in my twenties and probably would have back in the day, except I got testicular cancer - oh cruel irony - and that really fucked with all my plans.  So I put it on hold.  And managed to sort of keep it in check, though being completely out (at least when asked) is a blessing of course.

But I recently found a younger GP that I relate to, and worked up the nerve to spend a long time going over my gender dysphoria - and now he's on board and has had transgender patients.  So I'm getting referred to Portland OHSU THP for HRT and will see where it goes.  I'm excited as shit, to be honest.  After a lifetime of partial repression I feel kind of like a caged bird being set free (but as a writer I hate using such a banal expression, even if it's true   ).

So, hey, hope to see you around here as well.  I could maybe post a bit - anything would be better than nothing - but I'd like to see this forum lively up some (not that it's bad!  I've been lurking and reading old threads - some of them are quite good!)  But I felt like if I was just in stasis I didn't have much to contribute.  

FWIW I'm thinking about Lisa now as a new name, kind of wanting to have a clean break and make it easier for people then sticking to close to the old one.

Anyway, just some late night ramblings.  Take care!

Lisa (formerly posting as Marci on the old forums).

ps damn there must be a way to post an avatar but I don't see it...