Life as it currently stands for me.

Well, life is better, not great, but has improved in unexpected ways.

So I have a wedding gown which I think is destined to never be needed. Because I am not in a hurry to subscribe to the idea I will find a new use for it. I'm 57 and I sure don't look it, but I AM living in a 57-year-old body regardless of how it looks, or how I feel emotionally. And life ends for all of us eventually. It's not like I'm getting any form of extension here.

I didn't know where life would go with respects to me and D'arcy. She has a hurdle to face on January 02 concerning her actions. And it might not be so bad, but, it WILL have an impact on her own life. But I didn't expect her to come back into my own life. I sat with her on December 5th to keep her spirits up and see where her situation was in court. I think overall, she really appreciated me being there for her. The night before, she treated me to half price wings at a local place, and the afternoon following the court appearance, I took her to lunch at a Pizza Hut. Then she crashed at my place for a few hours until her ride home arrived. I didn't expect to ever kiss her ever again let alone cuddle in bed with her.

But it appears while I lost my fiance, I kept my girlfriend. And as I can't read the future, I can't say what our future will be like. But she is so done with Lindsay. Aside from visiting me, there is no chance she will ever live here in town again. And I am kinda stuck in Lindsay, as I'm fully aware I couldn't ever be lucky enough to find a better apartment. Finding a husband would be easier. So I'm not entertaining illusions of a me and D'arcy future. We can be friends, and meet and spend time together, and possibly spend time at each other's place for a few days, that's all I can ever expect it to be.

But it's a great deal more than nothing.
And I think D'arcy is the only other human I'll ever be interested in sharing my bed with intimately. I can't picture a man even existing that will be a better deal than D'arcy.
I'm currently wearing my wedding ring and thinking of myself as married to my teddy bear, Frank. And frankly, he's BETTER than any available hetero male within a 30-minute drive of me, until one proves otherwise. Aside from a functioning pecker, a human male can't do anything Frank can't already do. Frank listens to me, goes shopping with me, watches sunrises and sunsets with me. We do picnics together and enjoy lunches out. We watch movies, and he hangs out with me while I'm doing hobby stuff. So ya, Frank can equal a man with the exception, that Frank can't be intimate with me. And I'm not that desperate for a man in that way actually.

And I'm still able to play with D'arcy occasionally. So I'm not going to have to go utterly without.

I'm unsure how I will seek out a 'companion'. How does a person seek out a non-sexual companion? It seems like men only want some quick free sex. I've learned this well enough through D'arcy. So if all a guy wants on a date is some sex, well, those men can all go fuck themselves too.

I'm now completely unsure what the heck I am for persuasion, to be honest.
I'm not hetero. That's at least clear. I'm not lesbian, because I like men too. I'm not bisexual though, because somehow, I'm not really specifically attracted to either for the sex. I suppose I'm still demisexual. If I don't like the person, I won't give a flying fuck how great they look. So I guess I'm on the market looking for a nice person who might not really need much sex. Man or woman.

My next companion will probably need to be someone that really likes long bike rides. Because about the only certain thing for 2020, is I will be out on mine as often as possible.

Last month you were definitely in a hurtful place. Today, I read a lot of hope and a future for Lesley.

Keep it going girl.

Hi Lesley!

Well, I know you are resilient. I know you are attractive. And I am sure that one day you will find the right person for you.

Life is full of twists and turns, ups, downs, spin us around! We are the most adventurous and honest people upon God's earth and we are also the most innocent for that! For we harbour no sense of conformity, we have no need to align into the rigidness of 'norm'. We are ourselves, we are what many wish they were but do not have the courage to be!

I love you my dear sister, you are the greatest! So, I love that you make stuff like model tanks, ya lego, ya Barbies, ya love a Teddy, same as I love mine too! Your bicycling and all the other things too numerous to mention and ya support of D'Arcy, even though what happened! I love that you supported me through all the times with difficult posters way back when and I shall always support you. You are an amazing woman Lesley!

Celia xx

Amazing how life takes you in directions you don't expect.

I've spent a 3 day visit with D'arcy last week, and it was predictably great.

But I still hurt over the wedding that wasn't. So much hope, and then it was just gone. And no, I have no idea if I'd have preferred to go separate ways, or pushed through the wedding and just made the marriage work.

D'arcy was totally shocked when it happened.
I was simply that scared.
My friend Samantha is now 'afraid' of me in a small way. You see, she considers me easy superior physically to her or D'arcy. And yet I was able to get 'scared'? She worries, what would happen to someone that scared Bunny.

I've never thought of myself as 'dangerous', but I am ex-military and I did work in furniture delivery, and I'm actually used to throwing heavy objects around casually. When I throw my weight behind a punch, it's going to hurt. The thing is, I've never been in a fight before, ever. I have no idea what would happen.

But here I sit, trying and wondering, what to do with my future.
It looks like D'arcy will be in it.
She's my girlfriend again.
Although that seems a bit too much for some to absorb so quickly after what seemed initially to be a bad breakup.

My curent expectations will see me doing my very best to save and save and save some more towards a hoped for trip to England and Scotland with dad. Likely happening January of 2021.
So I might yet meet you Celia

A lot of people are afraid of a larger sized person. It usually begins in early school where the bully is typically the largest kid in the class.

Try to recognize their fear of your larger size and simply be as kind as I know you are.

Hi Lesley,

You are always welcome, I will sort my rhinoplasty first as I have mentioned, but I don't rule out travelling to your side myself, as I say USA and PEI is my next No.1 destination! It's just been events and needs that overtook that possibility recently.

I am pleased that maybe you and D'Arcy may be able to give it another shot, life is short and  love is the strongest force in the universe! I believe you are two spirits, destined to be together happily, or apart with heartache. Sometimes two hearts are separated for all kinds of reasons and that is why love is a double edged sword.... (it is only when love's sword is too unwieldy, falling only the one way that any worse misery could be inflicted between two hearts, whether together or apart, but that is for others, not you two).

As for punchikins and stuff, I could not fight my way out of a paper bag! I occasionally throw away jars of stuff coz I can't open them..... but I have a good trait, I have a very strong mind, I never give up being optimistical and carrying on! I love life and I love people!

Celia xx

Look,   I'm no expert but you really need to be careful for  yourself. Keep in mind that it needed the police to  intervene in your situation. 
What"s  changed really?

It went  really  bad with her. I know  we all want it to be the best. Just  be careful